To let DD14 drink at home

[Elizvicky]

So lately DD has started to want to go further afield and there have been occasions she has drunk alcohol. She doesn't get drunk drunk bjt I worry about her being out and doing it. Her friends seem to want to go further snd further. Well tonight I felt uneasy about it a few things have happened and I worry about other people.
DD tends to be really honest and said her and her mates were planning to have a drink hence not wanting to stay home.
we agreeed her and her 3 friends could come here listen to music chill in the garden and have 2 glasses of low alcohol lambrini in the garden on the basis all parents knew. This is now happening and they are being great and I asked them to mix with lemonade too bjt can't help but think of done something wrong.

I was 13 and drinking cider and 20/20 and always in trouble being sick or In a vulnerable situation so I'm trying to avoid that whilst allowing a little teenage rebellion. As far as I can see it's legal I just worry I'm gonna have social services turn up now! My neighbour is also an arse so I'm worried he will report!

I don't see how teaching 14 year olds they need alcohol to enjoy themselves is the action of a " caring " adult.
They are children.

In which case … why throw in the alcohol? Would they not have been just as happy with pizza and cupcakes?

I’m torn on this; I was drinking at her age, and getting in a bit of a mess. I’ve gone on to have a pretty bad relationship with alcohol for some periods of my life. I never drank at home. Would I have been better off if my mum had done what you did? I’m not sure to be honest. I might have avoided a few unsafe situations though.

Not right IMO. You're giving the green light on on alcohol and they won't care if it's with or without you. 16 maybe, 14, wow.

Well if that's the case then it's still a win as I have cut wheatever aldpchol she would drink by allowing one of her socialising nights round here. As I say I am preventing her from hanging around down the park etc so she won't actually have the opportunity to get off her head on vodka. The idea is that of alcohol is to be factor then it's taught how to use it safely - snd to take away the want to go sit down the park and do all that. Maybe I am wrong for this but my intention is to prevent her from coming to any harm and like the above poster says giving space for somw teenage rebellion which is normal. I'm always shocked at parents from the zero tolerance of anything tribe who are so judgemental around any other ways of doing anything and resort to name calling and making out that others aren't parenting when it doesn't match what they think!

14 is too young to give up on parenting your child.

Why do they want to drink - to pretend their older? So the cool kids will think they're cool too? To act as a social crutch to overcome shyness? To get pissed?

Whatever the reason is, you've condoned it, and they'll drink when you're not there to supervise.

In my day it was creepy older guys who'd buy teen girls drinks, not their parents.

You need to change the rules on this - tell your daughter that you've realised it's too young, there are good reasons, they've been linked by a pp.

And talk to her friends parents and share the info on the dangers of early drinking with them, and say you think you all need to rethink.

Your daughter is 14 - she shouldn't be hanging around the streets or parks at night. You should know where she is - which at night should be a friends house or youth group, and she should have a curfew.

It's not a choice between getting blackout drunk at a party or drinking wine with her friends in her back garden. Not drinking is an option.

I started drinking at 17, and drank a lot in college, getting myself into some very risky situations, and coming across creepy guys who say drunk girls as easy targets, which lets face it, drunk girls are!

Younger drunk girls don't have the maturity to get out of dangerous situations - they want to appear mature, or they don't know how to extricate themselves. It's why grooming gangs get the girls drunk.

If you've read the evidence on young drinking you'll know that early drinking at home leads to more early drinking outside the home, so your daughter will end up in risky situations, which she hasn't the maturity to cope with.

There's evidence that that kind of behaviour by parents actually increases the chances of risky drinking in children then adults.

My parents were the it's not taboo here, drinking under our roof type and I ended up drinking a lot for years and got myself into some very risky situations. I'm now 5 years sober.

It will be zero tolerance from me for my girls until they're 18.

Double posted!

Out of interest can I ask if there were any guidelines around alcohol use from your parents at all?

And the argument that you're supporting teenage rebellion - there's nothing rebellious about drinking wine your mum gives you!

You asked if you're unreasonable to give your child alcohol, but you're dismissing anyone who says it is unreasonable.

Please read the facts on teen drinking, they'll make you reassess what you're doing, and you can share the info with your daughter, so she understands why you're changing your mind, and that it's based on evidence.

Sorry, not sure what you mean? Guidelines around at the time (medical guidelines) or do you mean they gave me guidelines (as in what or how much to drink)?

No im not dismissing anyone who disagrees I am
dismissive of those who just simply state I am not parenting. I am very much parenting maybe in a different way but I am doing something and not sitting back.
I have actually found all the views helpful and as I said I asked as im not sure on my decision tonight and im
mot sure how to continue to proceed with this.we are at a really pivotal point and I want to do the right thing. The thing that really can't be ignored is all the research around impact on brain development

Yes so when you say they let you drink alochol
wad there rules and limitations on this or was it just goa head and drink what you like when you like. I'm just curious

Yes, plenty of rules and limitations. They were very pleased about their forward thinking parenting approach! My drinks were initially limited to peach schnapps and lemonade at first. My drinks were bought for me for house parties with the idea that's all I'd drink. Sips of wine at the dinner table from no age.

All very confidently explained that it was rather done under their roof safely. I was also in parks and under bridges! I didn't really feel I was rebelling either as it was permitted so I think that had the opposite effect as I went mad with permission and then some!

I still ended up drinking in an incredibly self destructive way and find there something icky about all the guidance and coaching about putting poison into my young body. Granted I started younger than your daughter at 12 but both still children.

Maybe it’s a rural thing. Listen to Ed Sheeran’s lyrics to Castle on the Hill. Fairly typical teen experiences here in Suffolk. And I’ve lived here for 33 years and brought up teens here and heard about what their friends got up to!

You many disagree with the philosophy but unless OP was making her child an alcoholic, SS won't do anything, they'll probably shut the case on the same day. Kids experience horrible home lives and often stay in the home with some parenting classes. This will definitely not meet the threshold.

In my opinion I think your right @Elizvicky she will find it outside of your watch, primary school kids have access to vape, drugs etc. Having conversations about this and also reducing the sense of absolute no means they aren't so intrigued that they get into dangerous situations. Often times complete bans will just give you a very sneaky teen who has had much more dangerous encounters with drugs and alcohol. Or when they move out, trust me in 1st year they were the ones who couldn't control themselves, because it had been banned till 18 and they went wild (yes teenagers vary in maturity but I'd rather have time go guide them slowly then let them loose at 18). It doesn't mean your going to be letting her drink loads all the time, but modelling healthy relationships with alcohol through moderation is important. Yes some people choose to not drink (not alcoholics) for various reasons however it's also good to show that you can drink and enjoy alcohol in moderation and that many adults do. I think this is a very good idea and something done well in many cultures and families. I'd also have a policy of making sure that if anything happens or she's feeling unsafe, she can call you, no immediate questions asked you won't scream down the phone at her, just come get her. On the legality drinking from 5 under parent supervision is legal and went out I think it's over 16 if you are with an 18+ you can drink but it might be younger 15 possibly as I was able to have a drink at restaurants at that age with adults.

my mum always let me have a sip of her brandy and coke when i was growing up since before I can even remember, but i dont drink as an adult now, I just have no interest in it at all
I think normalising alcohol and not making it a taboo thing is a great way to teach responsible drinking
I think its a way of life in Britain to drink early on and not forcing them to hide it for fear of getting in trouble is the best way to go about it

We hear again and again it's better to have a teenager drinking under supervision and developing a healthy attitude to alcohol. It doesn't develop anything other than normalise alcohol use. By far and away the biggest influence on our children's attitude and use of alcohol is the example we set and their peer group. This 'it's better to have them drinking two watered down glasses of wine at home' doesn't actually stop them drinking to oblivion in the park if that's the peer group they are in. No, Tracey, I'm not going to share a bottle of gin in the park with you because I'm allowed to have a glass of cider with my meal.
And the 'get them used to limits' BS is even worse. What do you do. Gradually get them pissed at home so they know how much cider gets them drunk and when they are in the park they stop one before. Or the 'it takes the rebellious side away if you normalise it in moderation'. No it doesn't. If their peer group are plotting a rebellious piss up in the park, it's not less rebellious to a teenager because they are permitted to have a low alcohol beer during a sleep over. Underage drinking is not inevitable. If they don't drink until they are 18 it doesn't mean they will then go crazzy on drink. Parents shouldn't be supporting a build up of alcohol tolerance so they can binge at 18 or when they go to college. The biggest risk to children from alcohol is if you are always drinking in the house and it's at every event you attend. We need to police our teens and lead by example. It's illegal and harmful for a teen to drink and as parents that's what we should be focusing on.

OK, well I have 4 kids eldest is 28 youngest 20.None have had alcohol /drug issues and we did not serve alcohol to their underage friends.

Absolutely the fuck not.

I wish someone had told me the harm alcohol does to your mind and body.

I wish someone had taught me that I don’t need alcohol to fit in.

I wish someone had taught me skills to manage social anxiety without needing alcohol.

To everyone saying “they are going to do it anyway” this is an absolute cop out. Educate your kids.

So she lies, fakes ID, drinks alcohol and set's up fake sleepovers at 14.
All 14 y.o aren't drinking, she's in the wrong social circle.
You're going to have your hands full.

I would do the same as you OP. One of my biggest fears is that my DDs will do stupid things that I did as a teenager and adult, so I’d rather have some control over what they do and teach them to drink safely. If they want to drink they will find a way regardless of whether we allow it or not.

I know loads of people who drank underage and I can’t think of many alcoholics. I think alcohol addiction comes from
underlying issues like misery and low self esteem - not just the availability of alcohol.

I also think the restrictions with alcohol may be the cause of the huge rise in children smoking weed. It’s really prevalent where I live. It’s easier to get hold of weed than alcohol.

So should you buy your kids weed, as it's inevitable that they'll smoke it? Or should you buy them alcohol to stop them smoking weed?

This post is exactly why normalising teen drinking is not a good idea in the UK.

By this I mean, there's a bedrock assumption that drinking is going to happen, that teens are not, should not, and cannot be under the control of their parents, and drinking is an unstoppable and deeply rooted part of the culture that can't be challenged.