To let DD14 drink at home

[Elizvicky]

So lately DD has started to want to go further afield and there have been occasions she has drunk alcohol. She doesn't get drunk drunk bjt I worry about her being out and doing it. Her friends seem to want to go further snd further. Well tonight I felt uneasy about it a few things have happened and I worry about other people.
DD tends to be really honest and said her and her mates were planning to have a drink hence not wanting to stay home.
we agreeed her and her 3 friends could come here listen to music chill in the garden and have 2 glasses of low alcohol lambrini in the garden on the basis all parents knew. This is now happening and they are being great and I asked them to mix with lemonade too bjt can't help but think of done something wrong.

I was 13 and drinking cider and 20/20 and always in trouble being sick or In a vulnerable situation so I'm trying to avoid that whilst allowing a little teenage rebellion. As far as I can see it's legal I just worry I'm gonna have social services turn up now! My neighbour is also an arse so I'm worried he will report!

So I take when next week she wants to bring her boyfriend home so they can have sex you will say oh that's fine then because it's better than doing it in the park?

Social services will not give a rats anus because it's not illegal (and because they are busy dealing with actual problems).

My parents allowed underage alcohol and soft drug usage. Surprisingly all of their children had alcohol/drug problems at a young age…

I was thinking this.

I don’t see how it doesn’t just normalise drinking with socialising.

14 is young but you've taken the most sensible route of controlling the consumption and making them safe. A conversation with her about the impact of alcohol on brain development at a young age and asking her to think about a sensible frequency of drinking for her at 14 might be helpful as well. Say you know she's going to want to drink and as long as all the parents are in agreement you are OK with occasional drinking but e.g. not every weekend until she's an adult. My eldest DD came up with a 'birthday parties only' which worked out as less than once a month (and they were drinking Smirnoff Ice which is only 4% - her other rule was 'premixed drinks only'). Teenagers can be quite sensible if given the chance to think about what they are doing, the kids that were completely banned from drinking were the ones that were completely irresponsible.

FWIW I'd love to know how old the children of the disapproving posters are (and how many kids they have, mine have different attitudes to alcohol). It's easy to say 'I wouldn't allow that' but teenagers need a collaborative approach so you get buy in to your rules.

My kids are 13 and 15 and have not expressed an interest in drinking, we're both teetotal as well. Alcohol isn't part of our social circle so it's easy to avoid, you can socialise without drinking. Lots of cultures around the world do not place an importance on alcohol.

Alcohol is really damaging for teen brain development. I think you're seeing this as less harmful than it is. I think that knowing supplying children with substances that have a long term impact on their cognitive function is terrible parenting and I'm surprised any parent does it.

Haven’t RTFT but assume it’s been mentioned that’s not going to stop her drinking elsewhere? She will just drink at home, feel like she knows what she’s doing as she’s allowed to do it.. and then have an absolute skinful elsewhere? It doesn’t control how much she’s drinking, it increases how much she’s drinking.

'Overwhelmedandunderfed' you may have the authority as a parent to say no to alcohol, but whether your kids will listen to you when they're out with their mates, and someone turns up with a bottle of vodka in their jacket, encouraging them to join in and have a drink, how are you planning on parenting that? It just doesn't work, if kids want to try alcohol, and their mates are doing it, then one way or another, they will drink it, it's as simple as that.

So I personally think that the OP's idea of allowing it while she can monitor what's going on, and her DD can get to feel what it's like, ie, she's allowed 2 glasses of watered down Lambrini, is better idea than being the parent that says 'You must not drink, it's not good for you', and then believes their teen will take notice, which the chances are, they won't.

I think the OP's daughter will also find that having tasted something so weak, if she tries something that is really strong, like spirits, she will decide she doesn't really like the way it tastes or makes her feel.

Hard no from me. Can’t believe all the parents agreed to this??!!?

As someone who grew up in another country, where I’ve genuinely never come across/ heard of fourteen-year-olds drinking booze in the park, it absolutely seems to be a specific to this country problem and very much something preventable with adequate parenting.

Don’t worry about your neighbour. There is no one she can report it to. It’s totally legal as it is in a private property and all parents have given permission

People on this thread have led a very different life to me. Teens have been underage drinking since the dawn of time. If you try and ban it completely, they'll only do it anyway. There is a difference between encouraging drinking and allowing 2 very watered down drinks in the supervision of your back yard on one or two occasions vs giving them a cider with every meal. You can have all the chats you want about the risks of alcohol, but if a teen wants to do something, they will do it. I'd personally rather know they were safe.

I remember being on a school trip and people bringing vodka disguised as water, and the days of drinking Frosty Jack in a field. You deffo don't want your teen resorting to that.

Of course it fine OP. A much better/safer option if she goes for it. Personally at her age I’d have gone out anyway and I’d have not wanted this, but if she and her friends are happy then that’s great. People saying no alcohol at all are being ridiculous. Completely banning doesn’t work. (And giving teens something to rebel against). Just look at the “just say no” campaigns and war on drugs and the prohibition. Banning is completely ineffective.

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice-and-support/underage-drinking/teenage-drinking

I think you’re parenting pragmatically. They’re going to drink and they’re going to be vulnerable when they do so. You can’t stop this. But by providing a safe space for them you’re limiting the harm. You’re also preventing your daughter from establishing a routine of lying to you. It’s not ideal and I’m sure you’ll have people criticise you for it, but I would make the same choice in your shoes.

I’d rather she drank at home than in the park alcohol needs a gradual controlled introduction. That’s what the rest of wurope do.

Nope too young and no there is no proof she wont have issues with alcohol later on.

I find it strange on these threads the number of posters who talk as though it's the norm for teenagers to go off drinking with their pals at an extremely young age. And are nostalgic about their own underage drinking.

Personally I think I had a glass or two of wine at home with my parents before I was 18 but never drank with my friends. And similarly my friends possibly were allowed a taste of alcohol at home. But none of us went off to the park to booze .
My son and his friends were the same. A taste of alcohol with their families but no illegal trips to the pub or boozing in the park.
What is missing in the lives of these children that they feel they have to drink alcohol at 14 to enjoy themselves?

Exactly. It’s not an either or. OP’s DD and her friends may drink nicely and moderately on the diluted lambrini in the garden when on show to the adults, and still sneak around with a topped up bottle of Fanta and vodka the next night. All the more reason to not contribute to her consumption. And I wouldn’t let my child go there if I knew.

I do agree. I have a friend who says her zero tolerance and we just have to oarent them but I know her child goes to school
snd drinks alcohol in the toilets or at least says she does. Im not saying every child will be hell bent on doing it but I do know mine probably would. Tonight she's not even drank the full 2 glasses I agreed.

I was puking in parks at this age from cider and putting myself in harms way

I think its so vital we give teens spaces to hang out and take small risks. Or they will find their own spaces and take really big risks

I don't drink either haven't done for a a good 16 years. DD does lots of clubs etc

@ohthatsmeback im not at all nostalgic . I remember being violently sick after drinking in parks in the dark at 13 and 14 snd I absolutely hate the idea of my kids doing it

I think its wise and caring to have them enjoying a little alcohol experiment in the garden while under the supervision of caring adults

So as I have said this is the first time. It certainly isn't going to be a regular oh we drink at home
now - i

None of them really drank more than 1! They were absolutely fine I think more than anything they wanted somewhere to go and just chill!