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Original poster

To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

528 replies

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:33

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

OP posts:
MascaraGirl · 04/08/2025 09:41

He might be a nice, soft-hearted guy, but when it comes to it - does he have the backbone to stand up for you against ex? Some serious questions to ask and issues to face before you commit to marriage OP.

There seem to be a lot of men who are happy to piss of their current partner, just to keep the ex sweet. Which makes no sense at all, but its a common dilemma.

pictoosh · 04/08/2025 10:05

"And yes, I am starting to wonder if he could be her dad. I don’t want to accuse him of anything, but the way he talks about it is so roundabout - “was told he wasn’t,” “never needed a test,” “just stepped in” - it’s all quite murky. I’m not saying there’s definitely something there, but the doubt is starting to eat at me. Especially when some of you have rightly said - if you didn’t even know the mum before the baby was born, how is this even a question?"

Well quite. What the hell is he talking about?

Something is afoot here. Please have my utmost sympathy...you must be in turmoil right now.
Good luck with this one. xx

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/08/2025 10:20

Only reason never needed a test is if he didn’t have contact with her 9mth before child was born

or 21mths when they met when child was 1

hope you managed to chat last night and read messages @Lukeuppy

people forget this is your life and maybe it’s come crashing down

AvidJadeShaker · 04/08/2025 10:35

Mirabai · 03/08/2025 23:26

So why does she send him birthday cards every year?

Show quote history

Well I don’t it’s her buying, writing in and posting the cards.

MascaraGirl · 04/08/2025 10:38

An updates, OP?

BauhausOfEliott · 04/08/2025 11:10

wrongthinker · 03/08/2025 14:36

I’m trying to be sensitive

Maybe try harder? What difference does it really make to you? It sounds honestly a bit shit of your boyfriend to have dumped this kid who quite possibly still thinks of him as Dad. At least he had the balls to acknowledge that it might mean something to her. You sound unkind, tbh.

He had a relationship for a relatively short time with a woman who had a toddler. The relationship ended. He hasn't done anything 'a bit shit' at all. The child was barely more than a baby when they met and only three years old when they split up.

Is every man this woman has a relationship with for a year or two supposed to remain in her child's life in a parental role for ever? He isn't the child's father, or even her stepfather.

It is very odd for someone to ask if their child can go to their ex-boyfriend's wedding when the child no longer has any significant contact with him. The ex is behaving strangely here and it's totally reasonable to say that no, you don't want a child you've never met whose mother your fiance dated when the child was a toddler to be at your wedding.

OneCleverEagle · 04/08/2025 11:42

Did you miss all the evidence that the child very likely is his, and that he appears to have been having a lot more contact with the ex and the child than he's let on?

Touchwood2654 · 04/08/2025 12:12

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/08/2025 01:23

It's really odd that people post their questions and opinions without bothering to click 'See all' of an OPs replies.
Hundreds of replies in, we know how the ex knows about the wedding, and that the man has been secretly messaging the ex for years, and seems like he was shagging her at the time the kid was conceived.

That's not strictly true.
The OP has posted seven times in this thread, and never said that her fiancé was seeing his ex at the time the child was conceived. OP says her ex had only admitted to knowing the woman since after the child was already born.

OneCleverEagle · 04/08/2025 12:22

never said that her fiancé was seeing his ex at the time the child was conceived
But clearly he was otherwise why would the ex have told him that the child wasn't his?

Touchwood2654 · 04/08/2025 13:05

OneCleverEagle · 04/08/2025 12:22

never said that her fiancé was seeing his ex at the time the child was conceived
But clearly he was otherwise why would the ex have told him that the child wasn't his?

Well this is the question everyone what's the answer to. Especially the OP. 🤔

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/08/2025 13:18

Unless ex meant it as child isn’t yours. You are just like a step dad

CosyNavyLeader · 04/08/2025 13:30

Hopefully OP has more clarity from fiancé since she last posted. Something definitely not right here.

Pearldroop · 04/08/2025 15:43

The OP will plough on and marry him
But we all know what’s going to happen next

OP, just don’t have kids with him at least for 5 years!

MascaraGirl · 04/08/2025 16:26

A man with a 7yr old from a previous relationship is one thing, but a man who pretends he doesn't is a very different matter

Skybluepinky · 04/08/2025 16:37

Unlikely she contacted him out of the blue, and strange that you would get with someone who just dumped a child that he was the father figure to.

prelovedusername · 04/08/2025 22:01

I think the OP has checked out of the thread. We shall never know...

GRex · 04/08/2025 22:15

This isn't a soap, it's her life and she's got issue with her fiance whatever way this all pans out. Whether OP comes back or not, all we need to do is wish her well.

prelovedusername · 04/08/2025 22:22

GRex · 04/08/2025 22:15

This isn't a soap, it's her life and she's got issue with her fiance whatever way this all pans out. Whether OP comes back or not, all we need to do is wish her well.

Of course. But the OP did start the thread in order to clear her head and get some perspective. It's up to her whether she provides any further updates. My feeling is that she won't, and therefore anything else that follows will be further speculation.

diddl · 05/08/2025 13:55

Even if he isn't the father he has lied about being in contact with his ex & presumably her daughter for the last couple of years.

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 05/08/2025 14:39

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 18:19

I’ve gone from thinking this was just an awkward wedding-day situation to now seriously questioning what the foundations of my relationship have actually been built on. A few of you have pointed out things that make a lot of sense, especially around the paternity side of it. I kept brushing past that in my head because I didn’t want to believe it could be a possibility, but when you all lay it out like that - it really does not add up.

The wording he used - “she always told me from the start she wasn’t mine” - yeah, you’re right. Why would she need to say that unless there was ever a reason to think otherwise? If he met her when the child was one, and there was no overlap or confusion, then that conversation wouldn’t have even been relevant. I didn’t clock that at the time but now it’s glaring.

I’m also seriously uncomfortable about the idea that this child might think he is her dad. He hasn’t answered that directly. I didn’t even know to ask it before, but I will now. Because if she’s grown up believing that, and the contact has been going on behind the scenes, then this situation is miles more serious than just a weird wedding invite.

A few people asked if I’m planning to call the ex. I don’t know. Part of me wants to, but I’m also aware I don’t know what I’m walking into, and I don’t want to put myself in a position where it becomes a shouting match or something emotional and chaotic. That said, I do want the truth, and if that’s the only way to get it, I’m not ruling it out.

I haven’t seen the messages yet. That’s a line in the sand for me now. I’ve told him I need to go through them with him tonight, and if he refuses or tries to minimise it, I’ll take that as my answer. I don’t want to be the person who’s “so understanding” that I let things slide and then spend years regretting it.

I’ve also decided that the wedding is officially on pause until this is all properly dealt with. I haven’t said the words “postponed” yet, but in my heart, I know I can’t walk down the aisle until this is sorted. I don’t know if that means a few weeks or forever, but I’m not pretending anymore that this is just a one-off issue.

To whoever said I’ve taught him he can lie and I’ll still stay - that hit hard, but I hear it. I’m trying not to spiral, but I do feel incredibly stupid. I don’t want to be naive. I want to be brave enough to walk away if that’s what needs to happen.

I’ll come back and update once I’ve seen the messages and had a proper, honest conversation. Right now I just feel like everything I thought I knew is a bit upside down.

I’m so sorry for you. This is messy and so unfair on you, you’ve been lied to really and whether he meant it maliciously or not he’s made a huge mess. I think I would be considering whether to go through with the wedding to be honest and I’m sorry to say that because I know it must hurt.

I did once cancel my wedding 5 months before it took place and the world didn’t end, awful and expensive but a distant memory now.

Anicemorning · 05/08/2025 14:45

prelovedusername · 04/08/2025 22:01

I think the OP has checked out of the thread. We shall never know...

I don’t doubt this Op will be back

Under a different user name. Starting a thread about her cheating new husband 😞

ZoeCM · 05/08/2025 15:50

MascaraGirl · 04/08/2025 09:41

He might be a nice, soft-hearted guy, but when it comes to it - does he have the backbone to stand up for you against ex? Some serious questions to ask and issues to face before you commit to marriage OP.

There seem to be a lot of men who are happy to piss of their current partner, just to keep the ex sweet. Which makes no sense at all, but its a common dilemma.

Yeah, this guy's problem is that he's just too soft-hearted.

Seriously, even on a thread where the man's story has more holes than Swiss cheese (the pièce de résistance being his claim that his ex told him the child who was born a year before they met isn't his), posters are still acting as though the EX is the one who's causing trouble. Why do so many people seem to think that sane, ordinary women never split up with the father of their children?

prelovedusername · 05/08/2025 17:57

Anicemorning · 05/08/2025 14:45

I don’t doubt this Op will be back

Under a different user name. Starting a thread about her cheating new husband 😞

Show quote history

I do hope not. Ironically I hope this isn’t real because I wouldn’t wish this set up on anybody.

Christmaschildcare · 09/08/2025 09:35

I hope you’re ok @Lukeuppy

aneelli · 09/08/2025 10:02

I find it odd that you’ve never thought why would it even be a question of if he’s the father when he wasn’t with the mum before child was born. I doubt he’s the dad as what benefit would that be for the mum to hide it? It favours her to have an active dad in her child’s life. 100% the little girl will not remember him from the ages of 1-3, the only way is if the mum is showing her pictures and is talking of him which will prompt the girl to ask questions.
I don’t agree with having him meet the girl outside of the wedding either, that will just cause issues in ur new marriage, why bring an ex in to your life when it’s not needed, that girl isn’t related to him in any way so it’s very odd that either of them would want to meet up, for what? He’s just a random man that was with the mum for 2 years. By doing so you’ll give him a permanent relationship with his ex, feelings can get in the way.