Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

528 replies

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:33

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

OP posts:
garlictwist · 03/08/2025 20:18

I really don't see the issue with her being invited. It hardly makes much of an impact on you if she's there or not. I think it's nice.

NJC7 · 03/08/2025 20:19

Anythingisjustfine · 03/08/2025 19:50

Not a chance in hell and I’d be livid with my fiance for even asking and thinking this is okay. Anyone who thinks this is okay needs their head checked. It sounds like his ex hasn’t moved on or met anyone new and is clinging to him, let’s be honest she isn’t doing this for the kid, she’s doing it for herself. I’ve got an 8 year dd and not in a million years would I ship her off to a wedding where she won’t know a single person apart from the groom who won’t be able to give her a second glance. I wouldn’t be that cruel to her or to you, I’d move on and get my own life. And no, if you’re timeline is right that kid will barely know who the he’ll he is. Unless they’ve been getting together without you knowing.

Think you’ve missed a few chapters 😂

MummytoE · 03/08/2025 20:19

Might it be an idea to see his bank transfers? If he is the father he might have been contributing financially

PixiePuffBall · 03/08/2025 20:19

Really weird request.

How does this ex even know he is getting married...?

Cherrytree86 · 03/08/2025 20:19

garlictwist · 03/08/2025 20:18

I really don't see the issue with her being invited. It hardly makes much of an impact on you if she's there or not. I think it's nice.

@garlictwist

who is going to look after this child at the wedding?

NJC7 · 03/08/2025 20:23

Mountainviewatsunset · 03/08/2025 19:59

Completely agree with this.

the internalised misogyny is rampant in this thread.

so many women happy to believe the ‘crazy ex’ myth.

Show quote history

And it’s exactly that misogynistic thinking that has allowed him to carve out these lies so easily.

Scary isn’t it!

5128gap · 03/08/2025 20:24

If it were me I'd think it was entirely up to my husband to be. If he wanted her to be there and made the arrangements for her care, then that would be fine with me. Similarly if he wanted to maintain a relationship with her going forward that would be fine with me. She's a child, not a threat or a rival.

Nestingbirds · 03/08/2025 20:24

The ex wants to come to the wedding, maybe to ruin the day. Certainly the child won’t remember him. It’s a hard no from me. Absolutely no way.

Gowlett · 03/08/2025 20:25

Wouldn’t be into this… BIL’s ex, before he met my sister, had a child & he lived with them, was more like a big brother than a father, but helped to raise him. He still thinks fondly of the lad, and his parents mention the boy sometimes. But that’s it…

pestowithwalnuts · 03/08/2025 20:26

ComfortFoodCafe · 03/08/2025 14:45

So the ex would come too to look after her? Thats batshit. How do they even know hes getting married?

Op said the ex wouldn't be coming

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 03/08/2025 20:28

Would anyone near their wedding day be happy to hear her dh- to- be had been in contact on the quiet with an ex all along? Add on a dd who may /may not be his is taking the piss. He sees you as a right mug imo op.

NJC7 · 03/08/2025 20:28

garlictwist · 03/08/2025 20:18

I really don't see the issue with her being invited. It hardly makes much of an impact on you if she's there or not. I think it's nice.

You really ought to read all of the OP’s updates 😂

Horses7 · 03/08/2025 20:28

YANBU

MistressoftheDarkSide · 03/08/2025 20:30

Have RTFT.

Blimey, I really feel for you OP.

What a cluster fuck to bring out of the woodwork prior to your wedding.

Aside from my Miss Marple tendencies, I would be questioning the integrity of your fiance in every direction.

In every long term relationship I've been in, as it "got serious" I've insisted on cards on the table from both sides to test out the level of commitment. People's lives can be messy and complicated, and one can work round alot, as long as there is honesty.

For example, I've always been honest about things like terminations etc because if it comes out when you're years down the line and it would have been a deal breaker, the fall out is potentially far worse. Just an example.

Exes and children, or potential children, it's only fair to all parties to be up front, especially the children. Who wants to find out they've been essentially a secret or minimised for years?

I really hope your fiance has the balls to come completely clean about this extremely dodgy situation, and behave gracefully if you decide that you can't trust a long term future with someone who can be so evasive about things that really impact the lives and feelings of real people, not least yourself. Even if it's due to lack of backbone rather than malice, it's worrying, because it means he lacks courage to do the right things.

Wishing you all the very best OP. And I agree with PPs you are handling this with far more grace than I probably could.

DandyDenimScroller · 03/08/2025 20:30

I hope it's nothing more than a big misunderstanding.

Anythingisjustfine · 03/08/2025 20:33

Another possibility… some people really can’t let go and she might just really really want to know what the wedding is like, how in love you appear, what food you had, all that. The kid could be a way in, if he is a super nice guy and we’ve got this all wrong she could be taking advantage, I’d want to know who she intends to chaperone her 7yo… who’s going to be feeding back?? Presumably she’s not going to kick her out at the gates and drive off, although it sounds like she’s confusing the hell out of this kid so who knows. As the bride though your feeling should be coming first, no one else’s, not even the kids I’m afraid.

Nestingbirds · 03/08/2025 20:36

Just say no. This is your wedding day ffs. If he wants to play daddy he can do so elsewhere.

Me? I would feel extremely suspicious and would be asking for cast iron proof she isn’t his child. Something feels very very off to me. What kind of person invites their child to someone else’s wedding unattended…I just don’t believe it.

OudAndRose · 03/08/2025 20:36

I'm sorry OP, I really think this is his child and he has kept it from you, for all the reasons already given. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it came out after the wedding. I think I would be asking him to do a paternity test.

xanthic · 03/08/2025 20:36

I don't understand why the ex/the child would want the child to be there if he wasn't the child's biological father and/or he hadn't been keeping in touch over the years.

The child was too young when he left to remember him - but if he's been secretly keeping in touch with his ex, maybe he's been secretly keeping in touch with the child too? Which would be a really weird thing to keep secret, unless if when you met, you made clear that you'd never date a single father, given you don't want kids yourself.

I think he's put you in a position where you cannot marry him until the details are cleared up, and you find those details acceptable.

Personally, I think the best case scenario is that he has a child and is a bit of a shit father, and his ex is using the wedding as an opportunity to make you aware that you're about to become a stepmum. Which might be something you're okay with, but it might not be. The point is, you deserve to know before deciding whether you want to marry him.

JMSA · 03/08/2025 20:39

.

MummytoE · 03/08/2025 20:41

If she does come to the wedding, then what? Just go back to no contact... Or is he/ she hoping it's the start of building a relationship? Birthday parties, Christmas, sleepovers, days out??? Seems odd that they would want a wedding invite and to leave it at that, are they hopeful it will be the start of something more permanent

Touchwood2654 · 03/08/2025 20:41

JMSA · 03/08/2025 20:39

.

Edited

I think you need to read all the OP's posts.

LemondrizzleShark · 03/08/2025 20:42

JoshLymanSwagger · 03/08/2025 15:01

A child this age would be very unlikely to want to go to a wedding, on their own, with no one they know.

Does that include the groom??

No, if she is now 7 and last saw him when she was 3, she doesn’t know him.

Just as DS (who is a similar age) doesn’t remember any of his old nursery teachers, or even the fact we lived overseas until he was 3. No memory of it at all.

YourWildAmberSloth · 03/08/2025 20:46

I doubt that the girl remembers him if it's been 4 years since they split. I wouldn't invite her as it is likely to be confusing for her. He isn't her biological dad, was around in the early years which she is unlikely to remember and there has been virtually no contact since. I would question why the ex wants to put all of this on her daughter. I hate to add this but the only real explanation for the girl asking about him, and asking if he remembers her is if she has been told that he is her dad. Children don't ask about mum's random ex's but they will ask about their dad. If she has been told that her dad is someone else, she would be asking about them not your partner. Personally before I married him I would insist that he got a DNA test, so that everyone knows the truth. There seems to be too much taken on trust here. Ex tells him he isn't the dad, he believes her. He tells you he isn't the dad, you believe him. It's interesting that he isn't saying that he couldn't possibly be her father.

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 03/08/2025 20:48

AyeDeadOn · 03/08/2025 17:22

"He admitted they’ve been in touch “on and off” over the past couple of years - apparently the odd message here and there, and yes, birthday cards both ways, but he said he never mentioned it because it didn’t feel “important” in the context of our relationship. He kept saying he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable by bringing up the past unnecessarily. I told him that not telling me makes it more uncomfortable, not less."

But, he didnt mind making you uncomfortable by suggesting she come to your wedding?

Seems strange.

yep. bs

and OP needs to SEE THE MEESAGES FOR HERSELF.