To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

Agreed. You are being level headed and dignified, OP. Pausing a wedding is a huge headache but getting divorced is worse. Remember, a wedding is one day, a marriage is a lot longer.

The math isn’t mathing here. How did she know you were getting married? I think he’s been in touch before this request. You don’t invite anyone you’ve never met to your wedding surely? It sounds fishy and I would be asking to see the message thread tbh.

I'm inclined to believe that this scenario is more logical and makes sense. I hope OP, that this is not true but at the moment nothing that you are being told makes any sense. The above does.

I've read all OPs posts and I didn't see that mentioned.

The implication being that if it’s true he didn’t meet the child until she was 1 (which could be bollocks of itself) he was sleeping with the mother around the time of conception - otherwise those assurances wouldn’t come up,

Not a chance in hell and I’d be livid with my fiance for even asking and thinking this is okay. Anyone who thinks this is okay needs their head checked. It sounds like his ex hasn’t moved on or met anyone new and is clinging to him, let’s be honest she isn’t doing this for the kid, she’s doing it for herself. I’ve got an 8 year dd and not in a million years would I ship her off to a wedding where she won’t know a single person apart from the groom who won’t be able to give her a second glance. I wouldn’t be that cruel to her or to you, I’d move on and get my own life. And no, if you’re timeline is right that kid will barely know who the he’ll he is. Unless they’ve been getting together without you knowing.

this!
sorry op this is so dodgy - either something is going on with the ex and/or the child is his!

no reason whatsoever having contact with the ex and the child - none. This is dodgy as F!

the spectre at the feast

I’m so sorry OP, this must be very difficult for you to process.

I think the child must be his. I say that because there would be no other reason to maintain a relationship with a three year old. The little girl might remember him but at that age would not have formed a strong emotional attachment, that would be something that came later, and only if fostered by the adults in her life.

Your fiancé and the ex have made a conscious decision to encourage and maintain contact between him and the child. Why?

Aside from the complication of having a step child that you weren’t aware of, who may or may not expect to be part in your life, I would be very concerned about the level of deception this reveals.

I hope I'm wrong, but my take is he's lying and knows he's her father and has had secret and erratic contact over the years but thinks if he introduces her to you the day you get married, he'll be appealing to your good nature when he 'suddenly' discovers she's his a few months down the line. Then he can play the good guy, by openly arranging regular contact (but will be banking on his new wife providing the regular childcare whilst he's off doing more secretive things on a weekend) I expect he's spun some yarn to the ex about how now is the time that you want to put things right, sort regular maintenance, meet his daughter and play happy families and the ex doesn't think anyone needs to chaperone at the wedding....as the girl will be with her Dad.

Difficult one but in this situation it doesn’t seem appropriate for her to be there.
Also practically who is the ex thinking is going to look after the child all day?

Completely agree with this.

the internalised misogyny is rampant in this thread.

so many women happy to believe the ‘crazy ex’ myth.

I think on balance, for the sake of the child, this has to come down to whether or not he wants a regular committed relationship with the child going forward. If he does, then invite her but presumably you will also need to invite her mum to look after her.

If he doesn't, which his past behaviour indicates, then its no to a invitation for either of them. This is because it would be as confusing as hell to a young child. He was with Mummy and then he left and now he is marrying another woman - is she old enough to understand?

If this was his child biologically then, absolutely she should be there, but if he does not intend to have a committed relationship with her, then do not invite them as it would confuse the child.

agree. ‘Assured’ she isn’t his!

if he thinks for a second it’s possible, then it’s very likely

I completely and perfectly understand I just don’t agree. Just because I disagree doesn’t mean I don’t understand the complexity (which is passive aggressive way of saying are you stupid) .

I find it so strange that the response when someone doesnt agree with you is that somehow they don’t understand. Not everyone will agree with you and that doesn’t make them wrong. Nor does it make you right or wrong. It’s called an opinion.

I know! “The man she perceives to be her dad” when he claims he hasn’t seen her in four years and we don’t know that the child even thinks of him as her father.

There are an awful lot of assumptions being made in order to burn OP at the stake. Take what OP has been told - this is the child of his ex, he is not the father, there is polite & sporadic communication, but he hasn’t seen the child in 4 years, and suddenly the ex has reached out to ask if her 7 year old can come to OP’s very small wedding. The obvious answer is no because it is a crazy request if they have no current relationship.

Now, if future husband has been less than truthful and the story is now changing, that’s his fault, not OP’s.

Sorry, put my response based on the first post I’m up to date now. You sound really level headed, I totally agree you need to take a step back and find out exactly what’s going on here before you move forward. I’d sit down with fiance and tell him everything is being halted until he tells you the truth. If she is his or he thinks she might be and he’s been hiding that I don’t see why… loads of people go into new relationships with children it’s not a big deal so why not just tell you from the get go? If I found of my finance had been secretly sending his exes kid birthday cards every year I’d be really upset, for him to say he didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to upset you but then to invite her to your actual wedding is bizarre. None of it adds up… you’ve got some missing puzzle pieces to find.

OP - Trust your gut here . Something clearly isn't right. At the bare minimum, why didn't he tell you he was sending this little one birthday cards? Nah. I smell a rat.

You were silly to say to him you were going to look at messages incase he deletes them

if he has an iPhone you can check for deletes by pressing edit and then show recently deleted.

hopefully this is innocent and the texts won’t show anything weird

tho I would ask when he first met her and what age dc was

Your last sentence doesn’t make sense. How was the girl part of OP’s parent’s family once? (And surely OP’s parent’s family is also OP’s family).

This isn’t just about the kid ‘being at her dad’s wedding’ - it’s also very much about OP, thinking she’s marrying a childless/ childfree man suddenly being asked ‘hey, so I have a step kid/kid, can she come to the wedding?’. Like WTF? A whole child isn’t some minor detail OP is obliged to take in her stride, ‘be kind’, and accommodate. It’s a huge thing, and most fucking definitely imo potentially a dealbreaker.

He’s been lying to her throughout their entire relationship!

So much for you to think about, @Lukeuppy, but you do sound as if you're a very balanced and rational person who can weigh things up succinctly.

Don't feel stupid or silly. You want to be able to believe what the man you are going to marry tells you: it's totally understandable. But what's been going on is worrying.

Others have pointed out the pointless reassurances that 'she's not your child' if he wasn't even in the picture when she was conceived and born. If she is his child, that could massively affect your future: not everyone wants to take on a step child, especially one that wasn't known about until the wedding was being planned. The weirdness of this 'exchanging birthday cards', when no small child would think about sending a card to a man she's almost certainly forgotten if he was in her life that long ago: that is pure mother actions. Or rather, ex GF actions. The even-more weirdness of asking for the child to attend your wedding - there's no way she'd be going alone. No doubt the mother would turn up too and say 'well, you didn't think she'd come alone, did you?'. And it is absolutely not a good time for your fiancé and the little girl 'to reconnect' at your wedding. He'll be very busy with you and the other adults.

I think you're right that there's far more to this than meets the eye and I think you seem to be handling it very well. Stay calm and get as much information as you can. And please come back to us and let us know.

It’s meant to read “partners family”

I think that it sounds a bit weird TBH.Are they in touch then? It's not his child so I would say No I think .Unless the mum comes too who will be looking after her?

THIS.
I would be rethinking the wedding. What a way to start married life - with deceit about contact with your ex!