To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

I think she should be invited. But it's because I think she absolutely is his child.

Better yet, I'd call the wedding off. This guy's behavior is shady A.F.

Op you urgently need to establish the paternity of this child.

This is all very dodgy. Why have you given him a heads up about the messages though OP, he's clearly a liar and will now have time to edit/delete them?

But you are wrong. Your 'opinion' is to bring the child to a wedding where she doesn't know anyone. She hasn't seen the groom for years. It would be cruel to allow this. Therefore if it causes harm to the child then it's wrong.

'When I pushed about why the ex suddenly asked about the wedding, he admitted she’s mentioned a few times that her daughter still talks about him and asks questions - like where he is, if he remembers her, that sort of thing. He said he didn’t know what to do with that information and kind of brushed it off until now, when she brought up the wedding as an opportunity for them to “reconnect.” '

This is the missing piece of info - where did the notion of ex's daughter coming to your wedding originate?

If it was the little girl's idea, a loving and sensible mother would explain, kindly, why weddings aren't like a kid's party. They're really parties for grown-ups, and although children do go to them, they don't go on their own. And since she wouldn't know anybody else there (except the groom, who'd be concentrating on his bride and all their friends and family), she would have to be looked after by a stranger all day.

So why didn't the mum say that and nip the whole thing in the bud?

If it's the mum's idea, that's definitely weird. It suggests she's using the child as some kind of gaming chip. And only slightly less weird that your DP would even entertain the idea. There again - probably not that unusual that a well-meaning bloke, who's avoided thinking about the whole subject of what his relationship with his ex's child should be. He might think, maybe that's what he's supposed to do. Do you think he might have been manipulated by his ex, OP - and still is, and he's embarrassed about it and therefore hiding it all from you?

A lot of submerged stuff here that needs to be brought to light and discussed honestly before you get married.

And FWIW I don't believe that maintaining a relationship with an ex's child who isn't yours is always the best idea. Depends how close the relationship was. But it can be confusing for the child, and an emotional drain on the families. Sometimes a clean break is healthier all round. Though if you don't do it straightaway, it becomes harder down the line.

I've just read your latest post OP. Absolutely the right decision for you to take a step back from the wedding. Either there's some colossal deception going on from the two of them... or he's being controlled by his ex and is ashamed to admit it... or he's just a man out of his depth emotionally, struggling with what's expected of him in this situation, and his solution so far has been to deal with it as superficially as possible and hope it'll all resolve itself.

Whichever it is, ex's strange wedding suggestion has thrown a cat among the pigeons. It's reasonable, not misogynistic, to suspect her motives for this. It raises a few red flags and you have a right to know what they mean. You sound a caring and emotionally intelligent person OP and I wish you well in this unexpected turn of events.

It sounds like they both subconsciously suspect he’s the father but are in denial about it. If he’s the dad then yes she should be at the wedding. Good idea to postpone the wedding until this is all figured out!

There seems to be a good few gaps in this post that we'll probably never know.

It would take the OP, her DP and the ex to sit round a table and lay their cards out, then somewhere amongst it all will be probably three quarters of the truth.

No, she needs to dump him for lying to her at all.

@Lukeuppy I’ve only read your posts but to clarify do you share finances or is there some chance that he gives this ex money for the upkeep of this child ? The entire situation is bizarre and it’s certainly looking like she is his daughter and your relationship is built on a rocky dishonest foundation .

There are three sides to this story - the DP’s version, the exes version and the truth.

I disagree.

I mean lets ignore the lies and deception for a second if he is her father, and assume that the wedding goes ahead.

Her being his child doesnt change any of the original issues the OP had. That she will know no one except (possibly) the groom. There will be no one to look after her apart from (possibly) the groom and she will be all at sea in a room full o f people that she has never met. His child or not, that is a bad idea!

But I have to say that this stinks. I really cant help feeling that this is the tip of something big. His comments dont add up at all and the dishonesty is appalling. He would say that he "just didnt mention it" but I call that lying by ommission and wouldnt marry someone who would treat me like that.

I really hope for the OP that it is all just a misunderstanding and ex is just trying to shit stir, but even then his lies wouldnt be ok with me.

I was wondering this, be interesting to see if he pays child support.

The child is now 7 and he hasn't been in the child's life since she was 3 so a good 4 years now. I'd have thought she'd have very little memory of him being only 3 when they split.
Time to move on for all and not confuse the child. Im with OP and no way would I want her at my wedding. Its OPs special day
stand your ground op. not a chance would I want to be stressing about some random kid on my big day.

Yes I agree. If this is the situation it’s not doing the child any favours at all.

His behaviour is so shady, secret messaging to an ex, secret birthday card exchanges. There’s no way a DC would remember him unless he’s being seeing her.
The messages alone are enough of a reason not to trust him.

OP, I hope you’re ok.

Ok so been thinking about this more and my theory is that he knew all along that the girl is his but for some reason didnt want the OP to know. The ex doesnt know that the OP doesnt know, so has naturally assumed that he will want his daughter at the wedding. And now he is backed in to a corner. Although that would mean that he has also lied to all of his family about this girls existence.

I think a DNA test would be of more use than a pack of cards..

To be fair if the child was your fiancé’s the ex would more than likely be claiming financial support through him direct or CMS. I think the child has been asking daddy questions and the ex now wants your man to step in and be that ‘daddy’. It’s not his responsibility to do that or to be in her life and if he decides to be then her mother will always be in your lives also, which trust me, you don’t want neither. It’s bad enough dealing with the exes when your man has a biological child with them!
He needs to sever all ties with both of them and move forward with his life with you, if he can’t, don’t marry him.

He might be. The OP may not even know. Especially if it's being deducted from his paycheck. Unless she's seen a check stub.

It is a big NO.
There is absolutely no reason, when no biological or any other kind of relationship.
It is very unfair to the child.
She will not remember the relationship between her mother and your future husband, because she was too young.
It is the weird mother trying one on.

Yep, sadly I think this is about right

Or his family are well aware she’s his daughter, and he’s spun them some line about OP not accepting his child or something, so they don’t mention anything to her.

If his family have a relationship with the little girl, that would explain why the ex is happy to send an unaccompanied 7 year old to a wedding - she assumes nanny and grandpa will look after her at the reception. And probably they will.

Not necessarily, I strongly suspect his family well know about this. It’s not unusual at all for men’s families to lie to the woman they’re dating

Do they look alike op? Is there any time gaps in his week where you think he may have been visiting her?