To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

You’re not being unkind but you are being naive. How did the ex/ daughter know you are getting married? He’s not telling you something.

So DP and his ex must have discussed your wedding in this 'on-and-off messaging' that he eventually admitted to (having previously said their only communication was exchanging birthday cards). That's a pretty big thing to be going on without your knowledge OP.

You need to see his bank statements to confirm if he's paying his ex money (child maintenance?)

You need to ask him if he was sleeping with her 9 months before child was born and warn him he cannot lie. If he was then insist on a dna test if the ex is willing, or you walk.

You also need to see the correspondence with ex - if it's innocent he won't have deleted it, but I bet he has already. This isn't where he gets to tell you to 'trust me' as he broke your trust by texting his ex.

Also, if he wants to be in touch with this little girl even if unrelated, that's nice, and he can do, but a wedding day is the worst time to do it as she'll likely feel rejected at her lack of attention.

I'm wondering why she even knows about the wedding - I wouldn't tell her if I was the mum.

Perhaps a little girl just wants to see a bride though , and if anything dodgy is ruled out she could perhaps be invited to just the church service with a chaperone?

If they were truly only together from age 1-3 it's highly unlikely she remembers him at all now btw.

@LemondrizzleShark @NJC7

You both make good, if rather depressing, points.

Hilarious. She’s 7, they split when she was 3. I seriously doubt she even remembers him!

So why does she send him birthday cards every year?

Exactly!

My EXH was in "on & off" contact with
his ex wife & he lied & deliberately concealed it from me.

It did not bode well.

Having read the whole thread, you should ask him to take a paternity test, to confirm once and for all.

It’s obvious he’s been in sporadic contact with his EX, and I suspect he’s been seeing the child alongside her as well.

The EX clearly doesn’t know you haven’t been told about your fiancé’s DD; it would be a bizarre request for her DD to attend the wedding otherwise.

Your fiancé has been hiding the contact AND the birthday cards (probably because they say “Happy birthday Daddy!) because he didn’t want you to know.

This man is extremely shady and vague, and I would not be marrying him.

It's really odd that people post their questions and opinions without bothering to click 'See all' of an OPs replies.
Hundreds of replies in, we know how the ex knows about the wedding, and that the man has been secretly messaging the ex for years, and seems like he was shagging her at the time the kid was conceived.

Absolutely right. To say this is suspicious behaviour on his part would be an understatement.

Agree, and I figured she was probably his kid after only reading the first post. Everything after that has only confirmed that impression.

Are you absolutely certain that he isn't her biological dad, Op? Because I just can't see how this request makes any sense any other way.

The child is now 7 and he hasn't been in the child's life since she was 3 so a good 4 years now. I'd have thought she'd have very little memory of him being only 3 when they split
^^This as @whatacroc says, I honestly can’t believe that the child would remember anything.
i have a feeling that she is his daughter and he will be saying very soon that he wants her there as bridesmaid, as I said yesterday. He’s been very devious OP.
I wouldn’t want to be marrying someone who is so economical with the truth.
I also suspect he’s had regular contact with her over the years.

Are you mad? She’s 7 and you think she’s choosing a card, writing a message and popping it in the post?

It’s hard to say much more til we get another update from the OP

Very good point. Not to mention remembering when his birthday is.

I’m also a little surprised op has not seen them arrive in the post, unless dp is the one who always picks up the post.

If the cards have been sent annually, the secrecy is another worry. Yes, maybe he did it as he wasn’t aware quite to handle the situation, or really didn’t consider it a big thing. However, your future wife should know that when she gets married, there’s a ‘stepchild’ in the mix.

He kept a big secret from you and maintained contact with an ex. Even if there is nothing he feels for the ex, the secret would be an issue for me. How will you feel on a Sunday afternoon when he takes her to the park, says hi has coffee, the child is 7, the ex is part of this shit show. Nah, fuck that. He can let her down gently by saying it’s not appropriate. The child has family of her own.

I’ve re-read the OP’s posts and a different story is emerging.

The DO was “around” when the baby was conceived, but has been told she isn’t his. He became a father figure when the child was 1 (when the ex became single, presumably).. He was mainly but not entirely out of contact with the child from when she was 3. He said he hadn’t seen her for “years” but now admits contact “on and off” in the last couple of years.

I’m afraid I think he has feelings for the ex and the child is the link. They can’t let go of each other. It’s possible the child isn’t his, but with the actual father out of the picture the ex is looking for a stand in, and he is cooperating.

I would want both the ex and child out of the picture. It’s not healthy for this to continue. I wouldn’t marry him under any other circumstances.

Have you read OP's updates?

agree 👍

If he isn’t her biological dad, what happens when her mother meets and introduces a new man? She’s going to be very confused to have a biological dad somewhere, OP’s DH AND any new bloke to come on the scene. Poor thing won’t know who’s who. The ex can’t maintain a relationship with every Tom Dick & Harry she has a fling with, how many ‘dads’ is this poor girl going to have in her life. It’s not appropriate and each need to go their separate ways. Personally I think he’s proven to be deceptive and is likely her real father, his stories do not add up. Hope you’re ok OP, I’m sure mosf of us could make peace with a stepchild but the lies from him are another story entirely

The very fact that both ex and DP seem to think that a child attending his wedding in these circumstances is a good idea, or a way for DP and child to "reconnect" - and are attempting to gaslight OP into thinking so too - says it all really.

At best, these two are clueless about children, relationships and weddings. (Which, with apologies, I've seen that some men are. Women, not so much.)

At worst, there's some little scheme going on using the child as leverage. And the more I think about it, the more it seems that DP is a conflicted/reluctant player in all this. Hence his hesitant manner and drip-feed of information.

He might be a nice, soft-hearted guy, but when it comes to it - does he have the backbone to stand up for you against ex? Some serious questions to ask and issues to face before you commit to marriage OP.

I agree. I think either the DP still has feelings for the ex which she is exploiting, or the ex has feelings for him and is using the child to keep a hold on him and he is either too scared or too invested to resist.

And it still doesn’t explain why the OP is finding out about this now.

Either way it’s a messy set up and I wouldn’t marry into it for any money.

Tiresome isn't it, when people chip in pages later with irrelevancies when the saga has moved on through new developments? Just read the OP's posts people.

I think this is likely.
Also his family possibly know too.

Big difference between marrying a man with or without children.

He has decided to take this choice away from the OP and drop it on her last minute.

I wouldn't want to marry a man who suddenly admitted he had a 7 year old.

I think he is dishonest to his core, and believes the OP is a bit dim and he can get this lie over the line without telling her the truth .....that he has a child and he has been in contact with mother and child throughout their relationship.

If true, he is lying scum. OP, you are well out if this is true.
This a real lying lowlife.

I hope your ok OP.

There's a lot of comments on the paternity and maintenance - to be honest, they don't make a difference to you.

What you do know is this man has lied to you. It's easy get bogged down in the details, what's true/what's not, why he did it etc. They are really die extra noise, the bottom line is he cannot be trusted.

And if he is a dad, he's a lousy one and you don't want that for your future children.

I'm sorry but better you find out now you can't trust him than after the wedding.