To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

You don’t sound unkind. Her mother is ridiculous.

It all sounds a bit strange. I would call the wedding off if it bothers you that much.

His ex obviously wants free childcare for a whole day! Weddings are usually places where kids roam around and get free food and drink. She gets a full day off to enjoy herself.

Does sound odd and I think you are in the right.

Are you sure this is actually out of the blue?? If it is, ex is a cheeky fucker and a bit of a nutter but it would be really weird behaviour. Your wedding your choice though, but something tells me it’s not as out of the blue as he’s making out.

Maybe the child is a sleeper agent who’s going to object 😂.

Is she defo not his, would be my first question. Is he still communicating with the ex, and if so, why. However, regardless, I feel sorry for this little girl, but am not sure an invitation to this wedding in any way solves it, and might make things worse. And who would look after her? If you don’t want the ex there - and why would you - who is going to take responsibility? I would knock this on the head with a gentle but firm, no.

He knew her when she was 1-3yo. She's now 7.
When did he last see her or her mum (his ex)?

I mean, the answer is a hard no not a fucking chance but I wonder who he thinks will care for this random child that probably won't even remember or recognise him...

So - no, I’m not 100% sure she’s not his, obviously I wasn’t there. But he has always said she isn’t. There was no paternity test or anything like that, but apparently it was just understood between them. He stepped in when the girl’s actual dad wasn’t around and they were together during those early years, but he’s been very clear with me that she’s not his biologically.

I think the ex knows about the wedding just from mutual friends or social media. We’re not in touch and she wasn’t told directly, as far as I know.

It’s a medium-ish wedding - around 80 people. We do have a few kids coming, but they’re close family or friends’ children, with parents there to supervise. The ex isn’t invited and wouldn’t be coming, so that’s another part I don’t understand. I don’t know who this little girl would come with, or who she’d even sit with. I’m not going to have random guests taking turns minding a child they don’t know on what’s meant to be our day.

When I asked my fiancé if he wanted her there, he kind of hesitated and said he “didn’t want to hurt her feelings if she remembers him” but also said it wasn’t a hill he was going to die on. So I’m left being the “bad guy” if I say no, but also no clear reason why I should say yes.

As for the future - there’s no plan. This isn’t a child we’re actively involved with. Which is why the whole thing just feels… off. I don’t want to be unkind, but it’s not a reasonable ask.

Exactly, or how would she know about the wedding? Often its men painting women as crazy, an ex asking if her child can go to his wedding out of the blue is less likely than him keeping in contact and this being the first time OP has needed to be aware and involved in this. I doubt an affair or anything, but probably kept contact with the daughter quiet to avoid it getting complicated.

Be warned. He thinks it is ok to walk away from a child who is attached to him.

Oh that is rubbish. He was with the kid from 1-3 years old and has had little contact since. She is 7 years old. THe numbers are tight and relatives have been excluded. Who will accompany the 7 year old? The ex? Seriously - on what planet do you think this is normal. This man has not been in her life for 4 years - longer than he was part of her life.

Check this with you partner but I would get him to go back to ex an say ‘numbers for wedding very limited so sorry I have to say no but would xxx message me so we can have a catch up and perhaps arrange for a burger/picnic/park meet up’. This keeps your wedding day for you but he obviously still has some feelings for the child and she for him so that would be a kind gesture. Aim to keep the messaging between him and child as much as possible exclude ex except for agreeing times/ locations

It is fine. It’s the mother’s issue if she introduces her DC to men.

You don’t have to stay in touch with a child you knew from 1-3 and split with the mother. That’s insane.

I think if your fiancé had kept up contact over the years and taken her to the park or the cinema or whatever then I could see why maybe the child would want to be there but from what I gather from your posts, that doesn’t seem to be the case, so yeah, bloody weird!
And like you said, who would be looking after this child?

No, it’s not appropriate for the girl to come. It’s not in the child’s best interests.

Definitely say no. How weird. The husband to be sounds a bit suspicious in my opinion op. Good luck!

I wouldn't agree to this.

He hasn't been in ex's or her kid's life for some years now, why would his ex think she would be included?

I could be off but I think ex is weaseling for a way back into his life. It's just too weird an ask.

It's the most obvious one based on the fact this woman had a baby with one man, split up, then entered a LTR with another man, split up, all within 6 years at most. She clearly doesn't have her own kid's best interest at heart otherwise she would not put them through that type of disruption or make them attend the wedding of a semi-father figure to another woman, whilst being entirely unattended. How would that remotely benefit a child in the long run?

The only logical conclusion is that she's a selfish CF and just wants a day off.

Ao the ex just happened to hear about the wedding from a mutual,friend and just happens to still have his phone number,yeah right. Why is he still in contact with her.

Probably 🤷‍♀️

It supposedly wasn't his kid.
Why should he stick around when the kid was 3 when they split?
Can you remember stuff from when you were 3?

Wtf 😂 That's not a bad thing.
This isn't his child. He has no obligation to her solely because she liked him.

More fool her mother for allowing this.