To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

I would feel the same as you, the child wouldn’t be getting an invite.

I thought you were going to say that your DP wanted her to come, so YABU to not agree, but hell no, in this situation why on earth would she be invited? It would be so weird. Who would she come with for a start?
It would be a big fat NO from me.

I’m trying to be sensitive

Maybe try harder? What difference does it really make to you? It sounds honestly a bit shit of your boyfriend to have dumped this kid who quite possibly still thinks of him as Dad. At least he had the balls to acknowledge that it might mean something to her. You sound unkind, tbh.

No that's really weird why on earth would his Ex want that.

He wssent Dad and had no legal rights if he had carried in trying to haveca relationship with the child his Ex could have stopped thst at any time.

YANBU. The ex is batshit to think her child can come to your wedding when she doesn’t know you and hasn’t seen your partner in years

just say no

Are you really quite sure this child is not his? If he kept up a relationship then it would make sense, but it's really odd otherwise.

God no, this is batshit. Who is going to be left looking after her?

How do they even know you’re getting married?

How big is the wedding? Is the ex coming? Will there be other kids? Does your husband actually want the child to be there? Also, why would it mean a lot for the child, and what is the plan for the future with husbands and the child?

Who is going to be expected to look after her on the day ? Could his ex be causing an issue out of spite ?

That would surely mean the ex has to come too? I can’t figure this one out. It’s lovely he was a good guy when it was important but surely that’s a lifetime ago to this child and she probably doesn’t remember that much about it.

I would also wonder if there’s something else going on as this is super random

No way.

Who would look after her on the day?

Isn’t this just going to remind her that he’s no longer in her life and massively confuse her.

Weird. Hard no.

To answer a few questions - no, I haven’t seen the actual messages between them, but he told me she messaged out of the blue and asked if her daughter could attend. It was phrased like a casual request, not a demand, but still caught me off guard. I’m not accusing her of anything but it just seemed very unexpected.

We’ve been together for just over three years, living together for two. He’s never referred to this little girl as a stepchild or anything like that - it’s always been more like “I was there when she was small” and “I still think of her sometimes” - that kind of thing. I didn’t even know they still exchanged cards until this came up.

And to the person who said I sound unkind - I do hear you. I’m not trying to be cold, and I get that this might be more complicated emotionally than I realised. But practically speaking - who would look after her? She doesn’t know me or my family, and I don’t know who she’d even sit with. The ex isn’t invited (for obvious reasons) so it’s not like she’d be coming as a plus-one. It just doesn’t make sense.

I’m not trying to erase the past. I just want the day to reflect our life now. And I don’t think that makes me evil.

So the ex would come too to look after her? Thats batshit. How do they even know hes getting married?

Absolutely this. Poor child.

If she’s that important to him why doesn’t he still see her? She’s in the past.

If you hadn’t already given your opinion, what would your DF have wanted to do?

I suspect he was tempted, otherwise he wouldn’t have ‘asked’ you. It makes no difference to you whatsoever if she’s there or not (apart from the obvious requirement for someone to supervise her), but he felt as if he was her father figure for almost half her life. Surely this is completely his decision?

and I agree with a pp who suggests it doesn’t show him in a good light that he was so involved with her early years but has erased her from his life since then.

for her mum to be to now lobbying for her to be invited, it seems the poor girl could easily end up confused by the people being allowed to be role models in her life.

YANBU, it sounds weird. Why did the ex reach out to him? and was it really sudden and out of the blue? Does she have some strange motive? And does the ex hope to come too, or who else is going to accompany the child? The whole thing sounds very odd. Get all the facts, OP and unless there is something major you don't yet know (!) don't have her at YOUR wedding. 🌺

Unless he does have biological children with his ex which would explain why she knows he is getting married and the like, I suspect theres more to it than hes letting on. Not saying anything sinister or to worry about, but id speak to him about it.

Does your fiancé also expect his ex-partner to be invited along with her child? A seven year old is far too young to attend alone so who will be looking after her? It would make sense if this little girl was still in his life but as he has no current relationship with her, I don't think that this is a particularly good idea.

I wouldn’t want her there either