To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

You're missing some of the story here OP, yet you're supposed to be marrying this man. I would make sure you get your facts before going through with the wedding. I've seen how carefully you're trying to answer the questions with what was "understood". The most likely scenario is that he actually is dad, and I think that is dawning on you. On the slight chance he isn't biologically dad, he's definitely been sneaking around to communicate with a young child without telling you. Be clear with him that you need all the facts and he'd to know how she is to fit into your lives, only then can you decide if that's the life you want or not. Who attends a wedding doesn't matter, but who is present through your lives together really does matter.

Why would a child your DP hasn’t seen in years ask to go to his wedding? What 7 year old ever asks to go to a wedding? This has to be something the ex has suggested to the child, or maybe she doesn’t even know that her mother is asking for her to go. It sounds a fabricated story by the ex. Who is the planned +1 who will accompany the daughter? It looks like she wants to attend herself.

She 7, he supposedly isn't her father and hasn't seen her since she was 3.

A 7 year old - to repeat a seven year old little girl - in unsupervised messaging contact with her mum's ex boyfriend from years ago looks objectively like a massive safeguarding issue.

No matter how lovely the OP's fiance he'd be making himself vulnerable to all sorts of fairly reasonable accusations of ill intent if he asked for direct contact without her mother involved.

There is definitely something funny going on - it could just be that the child's mother talks a disproportionate amount about her ex to her daughter and has created a fairytale daddy figure out of some sort of loneliness or misplaced nostalgia, but if there's genuinely been no contact since the now seven year old was three years old she should barely remember him.

I didn’t even know they still exchanged cards until this came up.

I would expect more things you didn't know about to have been happening over the last few years, hence the suggestion re the invite.

Yabu. She was once a very big part of his life.

Don’t marry someone if you cant accept that.

Yes of course i do. I have an abusive ex who has spent 7 years dragging me through family court as ongoing punishment while also managing to do almost no actual parenting. I support other parents in similar circumstances.

But just because something is common doesn't make it right. Nor would I have a relationship with someone who thought leaving bonded kids suddenly was acceptable.

But hssent been for four years.

Agreed. Based on my own experience with my late husband's ex, I'd tread very carefully. DH's ex used the children (who were adults when he found out about her affair) as a means of exerting control over him, right to the very end.

You are being realistic. He doesn't even seem to be confident that she will remember him.

I think you're being totally reasonable here, she's not in his life, how confusing would it be for her to be at the wedding an bthen go back to not seeing him again?

It would be totally different if he was seeing her regularly, but he isn't. I can see how it's hard to keep in touch with such a young child after a break up with their parent, it's sad for the child, but something single parents have to think about very seriously if they consider moving a partner in. I don't think the OPs partner should be judged for what happened.

All the problems about who looks after her on the day haven't been answered by the few PPs who are trying to guilt trip you - but someone has to, she's 7, her mum would have to go too.

Totally right to say no, explain why to your DP why - you're not a spiteful stepmother erasing the child out of his life, but it's not going to work, especially for the child.

And yes - that suggestion to arrange something outside the wedding if he really wants to reconnect makes a lot more sense to me. A quiet park meet-up is way more appropriate

Nooooo! This is a terrible idea when her mother has such poor boundaries and judgment. And what next? He sees them both regularly because he doesn’t want the kid to miss him again?

The ex clearly knows he is soft-hearted and will feel guilty.

How has the BF ‘dumped’ the kid’ when it’s not biologically his?! 🤦🏻‍♀️ Stop being so dramatic. The couple split and BF moved on with his life. What would be weird is him hanging around confusing the child. It’s the moms job to make sure child is well socialised with existing family including any male family role models.

Also why would an ex be asking for an invitation for her child when they’re no longer close it’s like totally weird. Child is also likely to be made sad that he’s not marrying her mum surely? @Lukeuppy youre completely right to feel as you do. There’s something off about the mom and I’d just decline and move on with your future. As yiu said there isn’t even a close connection anymore. Enjoy your big day!

So your DP’s ex messages him OUT OF THE BLUE to ask him to invite her DD to his wedding even though he’s not really in touch and hasn’t seen her for years? Yeah, there’s something going on you don’t know about. A piece of the jigsaw is missing.

Op why are you marrying this guy? Only it seems like you don't fully trust him to not give you the full picture.

@Lukeuppy You need to nip this in the bud now.

NO. This child is not attending your wedding - and neither is her mother.

NO meet ups before or after the wedding. The child is 7. He was only in her life when she was 1 - 3 years old. She will not remember him. It is not his responsibility.

So a woman messages a man she hasn't seen for about 4 years to ask if her daughter who hasn't seen the man since she was 3 years old can go to his wedding alone unaccompanied by anyone where she doesn't know a soul?

They have seen each other. The daughter knows your boyfriend

That's an unkind comment! You don't know what went on between him and his ex. A relative of mine was in a similar situation and had to split from the child's mother due to her being violent with him. He tried to keep the relationship of 'father' and child going but the abuse became too much. It broke his heart to have to walk away

I think it’s more confusing for her if anything. Personally I think it’s the ex just wanting to be nosey

I would imagine this would actually be really confusing for the child to come to the wedding of one of her mum ex boyfriends randomly. If I were him I would reply and say it’s not possible as there won’t be anyone to watch her and it would also cause confusion for her which isn’t fair. Or just that there’s no spaces left. It’s such a weird request from his ex

It’s quite strange how you’ve written the sentence ‘My fiancé has a 7 yo from a previous relationship..’
Except that the kid isn’t his and as far as you know he’s barely seen her since ?

"but I’ll encourage him to respond kindly and suggest an alternative, like a catch-up somewhere less intense. "

Why on earth would you do that? He's starting a new married life with you. He's been out of this kid's life for years. She doesn't really remember him, this is something her mom has come up with to get a daddy for her kid back or get money or control him by weaponizing her child. There's no relationship and with such a janky and unreasonable ask, I think it would be a really bad idea to encourage one.

To clarify, I don’t think my fiancé is lying in a malicious way, but I do think he’s been vague. From the beginning, he always said the child wasn’t biologically his and that there was never a formal setup around parenting. He told me he was “there” when she was little and tried to be a good support figure at the time, but the way it’s been framed always made it sound like that part of his life was fully in the past. It’s only now, when I’ve started asking more directly, that I’m realising just how patchy the timeline is. He said they hadn’t seen each other in “years” but also that they exchange birthday cards. I didn’t know that before this week.

I also can’t stop thinking about how strange it is for the ex to reach out like this - especially without giving any indication of how this would even work. No mention of who would be supervising the girl on the day, no clear reason why now. Just a vague “could she come” as though she’s a long-lost niece and not the daughter of someone he split up with four years ago. It doesn’t make sense.

And like some of you rightly pointed out - what 7 year old even asks to go to a wedding of a man she hasn’t seen since she was a toddler? Kids don’t think like that. It must have been prompted by the mum, or worse, the child may not even know the invite has been “requested” on her behalf. Which makes me really uncomfortable. I’m not saying there’s a full-blown hidden agenda, but I am starting to wonder if this was less about the child and more about the ex trying to reassert a link.

If the little girl genuinely wants contact with him, I would never want to stand in the way of that. But a wedding is not the time or place for that kind of reconnection. It feels unfair on everyone - especially her.

I’ve decided I need to sit down with my fiancé properly, without emotion or assumptions, and just ask for the full story. Who contacted who, how long they’ve been in touch, what kind of communication has actually been happening, and what kind of relationship he wants with this child going forward. Because if she’s going to be part of our lives in any meaningful way, I need to know now. Not after we’re married, not when we’re suddenly having to make space for people I didn’t even realise were still in the picture.

I’m not looking to call the wedding off, but I do think I’ve been too trusting that this was all “sorted” and in the past. It clearly isn’t.

Is he trying to show off to his ex that he is getting married?

@Lukeuppy after reading your last update, I think you are doing the right thing.

My ExHs DD was invited to my wedding, along with her mum and half sister (not my Exs), my DH was fine with it. I loved this little girl as if she was mine and vice versa, it wasnt her fault her dad and I didn’t last. I was only in her life a few short years but they meant a lot to both of us. Over time and due to distance we don’t see each other any more but we do chat and message each other because we still care about each other.