To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

That's a pretty extreme way of getting a child free day!

He can visit her after the honeymoon, bring her some cake and show her some nice photos. Give her a gift. I doubt at age 7 she’d even have a clear memory of him living with them aged 1-3. Absolutely no need to invite her.

I think she should come if they’re going to have any kind of relationship going forward. I think he has to decide if he has a “dad role” in her life or not.

But there would have to be someone responsible for looking after her on that day, someone who was happy to do this. Is there someone who would be happy to do that? Obviously can’t be the job of the bride or groom.

It sounds like the ex is inserting herself in your relationship by this request, and this isn’t the time it place for a reunion. Is ex wanting dc to be the bridesmaid?

If ex hasn’t seen the child in four years, the chances are she wouldn’t even remember him.

You need to go back and refuse the request. If dp wants a relationship with the child, then arrange for a day out at the zoo. Your wedding is your wedding, not a place for reunions.

The kid hasn't seen him since she was 3. As she's now about 7/8 why would she go to his wedding?
Also her mum would need to go to look after her, fuck that!

I think there must be a lot more to this than you're being told.

Why didnt he stay in contact if he was step parent for basically the whole time the child would remember. Even without PR a step parent can get contact in that sort of situation if they wanted.

A child this age would be very unlikely to want to go to a wedding, on their own, with no one they know. They probably wouldn't remember someone they hadn't seen since they were three.

It makes no sense at all.

And possibly bitter that her X is getting married so thought of a way to try and sabotage it.

Be warned. @Helpmeplease2025 will also form an attachment with a child between 1-3 (critical age for forming attachments) and then walk away from the child.

I’d say it was more of a way of trying to assert control on her ex’s wedding day.

A child this age would be very unlikely to want to go to a wedding, on their own, with no one they know.

Does that include the groom??

He wasent the stepfather he had no legal rights or responsibilities towards the child he was the child's mothers boyfriend that is it.

Nobody has to raise their exes children.

Where’s the dad? Thats whose responsibility it is.

It's wrong of your fiance to be putting this on you, he should have said an immediate no.

Not sure why people are saying it would be kind to pay to have some kid that's nothing to do with anyone, unsupervised and alone, at their wedding.

Do many kids get sent off alone to mums ex boyfriends wedding?

I thought this thread was going to be about a child your partner raised and still has regular contact with even though not biological his, so I was going to say yabu, but having read your thread I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.
I would be questioning why out of the blue the ex wants the child to attend the wedding, doubt the child has asked to go theirselves. Sounds like the ex is up to something. It would be a no from me for her attending and would be standing firm on this.

Does she just want to come as a guest or is she perhaps thinking she could be a bridesmaid? Some seven year olds could be interested in that, especially if he hasn’t been replaced as a father figure and she may have woven a few fantasy dad ideas around him. Having said that, if he’s not planning to continue any contact then you’re just setting her up for more heartbreak: if she does come and then he vanishes from her life again things aren’t going to be any better for her and it might be kinder not to set up expectations... Though I’m usually all for inviting children to weddings this sounds too tricky: for her, for him and for you. Imagine the explanations as people asked why she was there and who she was? That wouldn’t be fun for her either. Very different if he was on good terms with his ex and you were inviting her, but as a solo guest? Not appropriate I think.

But the groom will be busy getting married. He won't be able to look after her during the ceremony and reception and she doesn't know anyone else.

The child apparently hs
hasent seen the groom for four years it would be very strange to reintroduce them on the grooms wedding day.

Yeah, this is so weird that I think it’s going to be the start of a whole story that you know nothing about OP, sorry.

Precisely. If OP and her fiancé say yes, the second question from the mum will 💯 be can she accompany her dd. And when OP says no, the mum will say ‘oh but I’ve told dd we’re going, she’s so excited now’.

Best to say no to it all.

There’s another thread on here asking for the MN maddest comments you’ve ever seen.

Some of the responses to this one definitely qualify. How well does she even remember him if they had last had meaningful contact when she was 3?!

Yeah, of course OP should invite a random 7 year old to her wedding. And her mother too. And any other relatives they fancy! Why the hell not, it’s not OP’s special day and maybe he’s got other exes and unrelated kids he could bring along 🙄🙄🙄

Exactly this. It's op and her partner's wedding. not a free for all.

it would be very very odd having a 7 year old girl who's not related to anyone, whom no one really has much of a relationship with any more, attending by herself. I bet it's the ex wanting to nosy around and she's going to suggest attending with her dd.

He was involved in the child's day to day care for at least two years. You can be granted contact on exactly that basis whether a grandparent, step parent, partner, uncle, friend etc. You don't need PR to be granted contact.

Well a seven year old can’t come on her own can she so I think you will have to decline.

She doesn't know the groom.
She knew him from 1 to 3.
She's 7.

Who is going to look after a little 7yo girl that only the groom knows?