To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

I'm cynical, but I'm wondering whether the ex is trying to make an excuse to be present at the wedding. [My late husband's ex tried to gatecrash our honeymoon - she had her affair partner in tow - and later engineered being at Dh's funeral. I was going to let her come anyway, but she obviously didn't realise that.]

What about the actual father ?

There is no way a judge is granting contact on this basis unless the mum wants it or she is severely negligent as a parent.

Surely if you’ve never even met this child - this is just the ex trying to attract attention to herself on his wedding day? Children don’t really monitor wedding plans of people they see once every couple of years!

"So I’m left being the “bad guy” if I say no, but also no clear reason why I should say yes."

Your fiancé should be the one setting boundaries with such an inappropriate request from an ex of years ago, but I would have no problem setting those boundaries If he won't. That sends ex a message. If they split when she was 3 and there's been no contact, the kid most likely doesn't even remember him. There's no childcare for her and no way should you have the ex there.

You future husband needs a spine here.

No good mother would ever put her child through something like this. Especially as she won't be there herself, she's essentially sending a 7 year old to do her dirty work. There will be whispers behind the girl's back, curious glances, and a child of that age can absolutely pick up on that.

And the whole point of a wedding is that you wait to be invited. not ask to be included.

'he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her.'

might remember him , ok but on the other hand in that case she might not remember him ?

mean a lot to her - why ?!!! why on earth would seeing him getting married to another woman who is not her Mum, mean anything to her ?

'didn’t want to hurt her feelings if she remembers him'
why would it hurt her feelings ?
did he make a promise to her in the past that she would be at his wedding ?

does she like weddings or something ?

really weird that her mother would even consider her being invited / allowed to go.

not suggesting he raise the child, simply stay in touch a bit if they had a close bond, which it sounds like they did at one point.
I guess it depends how involved he was but if he was close and then simply walked out of the child’s life when they split I would not touch him with a bargepole personally. It’s worth thinking about, although sounds like OP can’t be doing with the uncomfortable feelings it brings up in her so it’s a moot point.
with the child having been out of the picture for so long as a mother i wouldn't subject them to it, as the bride has said this child is essentially nothing to them. It wouldn’t be child focused to send them

Definitely very weird that she has contacted his after all this time and has made this ridiculous request.

A child he last saw at the age of three would not remember him. I wonder if the mother has been filling her head with nonsense about him.

There is zero doubt that the ex would expect to come if he did invite the DD. And what would follow very quickly would be a load of emotional blackmail about how the DD assumed she was going to be a bridesmaid for her ‘special daddy ‘ and he can’t let her down now.

None of this is normal or well-intentioned. Your fiancé needs to shrug off the request and back away from any more comms. He needs to be really clear with her to avoid any room for doubt or manipulation.

I'm getting bunnyboiler vibes.

I’m just waiting for OP’s partner to suggest that the child is a bridesmaid.

Exactly. Can you imagine people’s reactions when they ask who that random child is?

They do.... I'm very involved with family courts. It wouldnt be substantial contact but once a fortnight or something is quite common in cases where another person has been raising a child in a parent-like role. Its just that most people don't realise this is possible or dont want it.

Personally if I'd been actively involved in raising a child from baby to age 3 ona daily basis I couldn't just walk away from that.

No shit? Most former stepparents don’t remain in contact with former stepchildren. That’s entirely normal.

No, OP, YANBU. This is weird. This isn’t a child that’s got anything to do with you, or with him for years now.

If you didn’t know they were still exchanging cards, what else don’t you know?

Yep, there’s a lot of cunts about that’s for sure

My concer would be who is looking after this child at the weeding?
Is his ex attending? Or would you or you husband be expected to on your day? Cos that will fun.

Sounds fishy to me and it doesn't add up. You can take his word for it or ask yourself why he has asked if the child can come. You have one side of the story.

If you are involved with family courts, you must know how many actual fathers manage to walk away from their own children, often without a backward glance or who simply use their children as weapons to continue abusing their ex-wives/partners.

Men in general find it much easier to walk away from children than women do.

Do you not think that OP would have met this random child had her fiance had any contact over the last few years?

I think you're making your own narrative here.

He knew her from age 1 to age 3.
She's 7.
He's obviously not been that present in this childs life over the last couple of years.

No. I wouldn’t think it is a good idea on anyone’s part that the child is at your wedding. What happens if the child gets hurt or, wants to go home early? I think the ex is just trying to spoilt your day in my opinion.

It is normal, but its also very sad.

My ex had a partner for two years. They became a blended family quickly. Kids were all early primary age. When it broke down they never saw each other again. Even three years later my children talk about missing them and not understanding why they never say them again.

Just to clarify a few things - no, I don’t have kids of my own. This is part of why I’ve been trying to tread carefully, because I don’t want to be dismissive of any child, and I’m aware that some of this might be more emotional than I fully understand. But I also think common sense has to come into it.

There’s no plan for his ex to come - that was never mentioned - and I’ve definitely not invited her. Which is why this request is just so baffling. Like so many of you said, who exactly would be looking after this child? A seven year old can’t just be dropped off at a wedding with a name tag and hoped for the best. That’s not kind to anyone, least of all her.

To the people who’ve asked whether I’m sure this really came out of nowhere - I’ve been wondering the same. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions but yes, I will be asking to see the messages just to get a proper sense of the tone and context. I don’t think he’s hiding anything major, but at this point I want to be sure we’re not dealing with some half-truth.

And no, he hasn’t seen her recently. He said it’s been “years” - which again makes the whole thing feel strange. If she does remember him (which I find hard to believe) wouldn’t seeing him for five minutes on a hectic wedding day just make things more confusing?

One or two people asked what he would have done if I hadn’t said no straight away. Honestly, I think he was on the fence. He’s soft-hearted and probably felt a pang of guilt, but it wasn’t like he was dead set on her coming. It felt more like he didn’t want to be the one to say no, which I get - but that doesn’t mean it’s on me to say yes.

And yes - that suggestion to arrange something outside the wedding if he really wants to reconnect makes a lot more sense to me. A quiet park meet-up is way more appropriate than dragging a child he hasn’t seen in years into a wedding where she knows nobody and will end up sitting with strangers.

At this point I think it’s going to be a no, but I’ll encourage him to respond kindly and suggest an alternative, like a catch-up somewhere less intense. Hopefully that strikes a balance.

“… if she still remembers him?”

Thus phrase really telling - how would a 7 yr old feel at party of people she doesn’t know or “remember”

7 yr old must have an adult with her.

Suggest an other event for her if she remembers him … as they are not related, it’s just weird.

The ex & mum to child sounds super weird trying to intrude and get relevant.