To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

It sounds like you and your DH are broadly on the same page about it. He doesn’t even know if the kid remembers him. It’s not a stepchild-stepfather relationship at all and I completely agree with you it’s not appropriate for her as an unaccompanied 7 year old to attend the wedding where she won’t even know anyone, beyond maybe having a vague memory of the groom as her mum’s ex boyfriend from when she was tiny.

And don’t worry about being the ‘bad guy’ - you should not feel like you have to say yes to things just because someone asked.

Barking mad. Why on earth would a kid that doesn’t even know him, or anyone else there, benefit from going to his wedding?

Sorry ex but it’s time to move on, kid was 2 when they split and will not remember him

Why are you assuming that "staying in touch a bit " is a positive thing?

I think this has got more to do with the ex and her feelings, rather than the child itself.

She has found out her ex is getting married and she is a bit put out of joint, he didn't marry her. So she is trying to stir it up a bit, and has the perfect wooden spoon - her child.

I would do as a pp suggested. DP politely refuses but suggests a meet up in the park in after the wedding if child wants.

My gut feeling is he won't be taken up on it.

Thanks for the warning, it's important for parents to know that there's a person actively trying to get random toddlers to bond with them so she can abandon them.

Do you think helpmeplease2025 works in a nursery?

I wouldn’t want this either. If it was a large wedding, maybe there could be an argument for it, but given numbers are tight and some actual family members won’t be invited, it’s a hard no.

I think the child has got some notion in her head that going to a wedding, any wedding, is going to be magical and wonderful, when the reality is she is going to be bored to tears within half an hour and finding herself really lonely in a room full of strangers. But why the mother is indulging this is beyond me. I would say no, OP, but if your DH is still interested in being part of this child's life then he should offer another meet up as an olive branch. But his wedding day is not the best time to re-connect.

How does a seven year old “exchange birthday cards” with a man who isn’t her father and hasn’t been in her life for years? This is the ex’s work, and the fact that he hasn’t mentioned any of this to you it is worrying.

Sorry OP but I don’t think she’s done with him and he might turn out not be done with her.

I think people who expect ex partners to keep in touch sporadically, confusing the poor child are the cunts in this situation

So completely out of the blue the ex asked if child could be invited ? How very strange. The child wouldn't know anyone either.
It's a no from me.

Unless your DP and this DC have had very regular contact with each other in the possibly, 4 years since the relationship with her mother ended I find it rather strange that the DC's mother, or any parent would even suggest that the DC spend the day in the company of a group of people that, bar one, they don't know, worse still haven't even met before.

Either she's looking to cause an argument between you both and clutching at straws that you'll cancel the wedding.

Is looking for an invite via an excuse of the DD.

Or she wants your new husband and you spending very little time together on your wedding day.

Wonder if it's a thing she'll do/does with other ex boyfriends.

So why hasn't he invited her?

Did it only occur to him when his ex mentioned it?

Surely if it was important to him he would have mentioned it by now?

Why 'poor child'? She isn't his and she doesn't know him. Why in earth should the OP have her at the wedding?

How does your partner's ex even know you're getting married??! Your partner isn't biologically this little girl's Dad, and was only in her life between the ages of 1-3 years of age. Does this little girl even remember him??? He has no real relationship with her, if he's only seen her a couple of times since the age of 3 and she's now 7. I'm confused as to why your partner's ex, has even suggested her daughter attend!! Who's going to be looking after her, if she were to come??? Or is his ex expecting an invitation as well?? The girl isn't going to know anyone, and even if she may have had contact with your partner's family, whilst her Mum was with your partner, she wouldn't remember them!! It's a crazy idea!! The answer would be no, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it either.

If he or the mum want to rebuild the relationship between him and the little girl they can do that any other day. Go to a theme park or out for lunch. Don’t reconnect on a day where he will be too busy to give her any attention.
I’m guessing that neither he nor the ex would be interested in that though.

He’s not seen her for years, he’s not that interested and she’s not that important in his life.

Well done for planning a calm conversation about it. There’s clearly more than he is saying. Hope it goes well.

I doubt very much that the little girl initiated the idea of attending the wedding: it's more likely that the mother suggested this to her.

ETA Yes, I'm swayed by my own experience. During lockdown, I got a phonecall from one of DH's kids asking whether their mother could represent them at his funeral. I later found out that it had been the ex's idea all along.

This thread is about you not being fully trusting of your fiancé

and rightfully so

ask to see the message exchanges

So you still have a relationship with the child. Op’s dp doesn’t.

You say there’s “no plan” for the children in terms of children

so you and your fiancée haven’t spoken About having kids?

Yes.

There's a lot to this that doesn't add up.

Has he really not seen her since she was 3 and had no actually contact with both the child & the mother for 4 years except sending cards?

He sends birthday cards? Does he have any other contact? Phonecalls? Facetime? Christmas?

If he genuinely has had zero contact with either of them in 4 years, I'm not buying his reaction to the mother's request.

No 7 years old wants to go to a strange man's wedding if she doesn't know him.

She wouldn't even know about it only for the mother.

If he isn't lying about the level of contact the only other logical explanation here is that mum is a little deluded and has told daughter that he's her dad and continues to tell others he plays a role in her daughter's life for some sort of keeping up with appearances and therefore if she isn't at his wedding that lie falls apart.

I would want a far better explanation from him that what you've got as it just doesn't add up properly.

I agree. Also very strange that the boyfriend didn't say to op oh look I've got a birthday card from her I'll have to get her one.
Did he thank the girl for the card, presumably via the mother?
His response is strange, just a vague she might remember me. And suddenly there's more contact than he mentioned. Which probably means there's been more contact than that.

If she was 3 when he left and has only seen him a couple of times since, it seems odd for her to attend his wedding imho. Won't she feel like a fish out of water?
I can't imagine a 7 yr old enjoying that.