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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the cafe staff should have given the money to this homeless man?

243 replies

Eastie77Returns · 03/08/2025 14:15

I went to a cafe earlier today. There was a man outside who regularly sits with a sign stating he is homeless and asking for money. At one point a man came in, handed a member of the cafe staff a £20 note and left. It turned out he had given the staff this money to buy a meal for the homeless man who subsequently came into the cafe and ordered some food and drink. It was clearly a regular occurrence as the staff member automatically knew to charge the bill to the £20. When she had rung everything up she handed the man his meal and he asked for his change. She refused and said “No, the money is only to be used for food here. You know this. If you want to use any of the change you can order something else tomorrow”

The homeless man became angry and shouted that he wanted his money. The whole episode escalated and he began banging a table. A male member of staff eventually escorted/pushed him outside.

AIBU to think the cafe should have just given him the money??

OP posts:
EmmyLemmyHemmy · 03/08/2025 14:17

The man likely has substance/alcohol misuse issues and the person who gave the money in at the cafe knows this……

DeLaRuiz · 03/08/2025 14:17

I guess they know this homeless dude and therefore are making an informed decision.

Sirzy · 03/08/2025 14:17

yabu.

the money was given to the cafe to provide food for him which they did. If the kind individual had wanted to give him the cash they could have.

He will probably find himself banned from there at all now for his outburst.

MargaretThursday · 03/08/2025 14:19

If the person had wanted the homeless person to have the money, they would have just given it to them. There will be good reason why they didn't, and the café probably knows well.

Dheops · 03/08/2025 14:19

If the donor had wanted the man to have the cash, he would have given it straight to him. The only reason to give it to shop staff is to prevent him having it as cash.

doodleschnoodle · 03/08/2025 14:20

He is obviously well known to them, and perhaps the man gave the money to the cafe to ensure it’s used for food and nothing else. Otherwise he would just give the money to the man. Doesn’t sound like they are keeping his change, just adding to his tab for another time. Perhaps he’s a family member or something and this is the only way he can ensure the money isn’t spent on drugs or alcohol.

Createausername1970 · 03/08/2025 14:22

I think his reaction tells you everything you need to know.

The money is to feed him, not to go in his pocket for alcohol or drugs. If the benefactor wanted the man to have the cash he would have given it to him directly.

Chipotlego · 03/08/2025 14:23

Pretty much this. Everyone involved im more than sure knows if change was an option he would just order something small from the menu in order to get money. If the donor was happy to donate cash than they would, if the recipient thinks its unfair theyre welcome to refuse the donation.

KingfisherAmmonite · 03/08/2025 14:27

The man donating and the cafe staff know the man who is homeless a lot better than you do.

He's likely got a problem with either drink or drugs, and would not spend the money wisely.

LemonPies · 03/08/2025 14:28

Why did the original person not just give the man £20 in the first place do you think?

justanotherboymum · 03/08/2025 14:29

Homeless charities have said before to not give money directly to homeless people. It is often used on alcohol/drugs so just makes the issue worse. The cafe said he can come back and use the rest of the money for more food tomorrow so they are being fair and kind

YouWillFindMeInTheGarden · 03/08/2025 14:31

Op you are naive

are you aware what £20 of drugs off the street can do?

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 03/08/2025 14:33

YABU. You aren't involved in any of this, dont know the people involved and dont know the arrangement or the reasons for it.

If the person wanted the homeless man to have cash then he would have given it to him in the first place. Clearly they have an arrangement with the cafe to provide this person with food. They have likely been instructed to not give the man any cash.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/08/2025 14:34

Createausername1970 · 03/08/2025 14:22

I think his reaction tells you everything you need to know.

The money is to feed him, not to go in his pocket for alcohol or drugs. If the benefactor wanted the man to have the cash he would have given it to him directly.

I think this.

It must have been unfortunate to witness but what you saw was someone who is addicted being angry because they couldn’t get their fix.

Now we can debate whether it was reasonable for the donor to try to police what the homeless man could have with his generosity, but if he’s given the money only for food, it’s only for food.

Viviennemary · 03/08/2025 14:34

No the cafe did the right thing. If the person wanted the guy to have the money they would have given it to him. He is lucky to have a cafe that tolerates this bad behaviour.

WellIquitelikesprouts · 03/08/2025 14:36

the money doesn’t belong to the homeless guy so it is not his change.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/08/2025 14:36

No, it is quite normal for customers to pay for a standby tea/coffee/sandwich for the homeless community.
Especially in areas where the homeless community is based.
The left over cash will be put towards the next penniless customer.

BoredZelda · 03/08/2025 14:40

I wouldn’t normally advocate gate keeping on how people spend their money. I hate the argument that they will just spend it on drugs etc. It’s not up to me to judge how someone gets through their day, I either want to give money or I don’t but in this situation, I suppose if the donor has put a condition on it, and it sounds like it’s a regular thing, the cafe’s hands are tied.

On the other hand, someone has given £20 which I suppose might buy him two meals there. I assume the cafe is not doing it at cost, so they’ll be getting their cut of the £20. A Tesco meal deal would cost him less than £4, so he could eat 5 times v twice at the cafe? Or he could get one meal deal and a night in a shelter with a meal for £20. Or maybe he is out of toothpaste and needs some cash. People are too quick to jump to substance abuse, and don’t recognise that living on a budget is something homeless people are really good at. It’s just as likely he is calculating what the rest of that £20 could get him to enable him to live for the next few days.

NuffSaidSam · 03/08/2025 14:40

YABU because you don't know what the full situation and it's none of your business.

There is clearly a relationship between the first man, the homeless man and the cafe. If the agreement is that the first man leaves £20 behind the counter so the homeless man can eat there then that's the arrangement and they were right to honour it.

I assume if the first man wanted the homeless man to have cash then he would have just given him the £20 in the first place.

BoredZelda · 03/08/2025 14:40

Viviennemary · 03/08/2025 14:34

No the cafe did the right thing. If the person wanted the guy to have the money they would have given it to him. He is lucky to have a cafe that tolerates this bad behaviour.

They threw him out. So not tolerating it at all.

rainbowstardrops · 03/08/2025 14:41

Does anyone else read these posts and just automatically think it’s AI shit/someone with hairy hands wanting to light the touch paper and then sit back and watch it burn?
My ‘D’H has just pissed me off, so maybe I’m just being grumpy.

MyUmberSeal · 03/08/2025 14:42

The cafe did the right thing.
I suspect the cafe staff are far more familiar with the chaps personal circumstances.
Good for them, and good for the other person who gave the £20.

x2boys · 03/08/2025 14:46

I agree with everyone the cafe did the right thing and I'm assuming the benefactor does this regularly as the cafe staff said the change could go to something tomorrow, there will be a good reason the benefactor didn't hand the money to the homeless guy himself.

Eastie77Returns · 03/08/2025 14:48

Why is everyone assuming he planned to use the money on drugs? Quite the leap. He may have wanted to go to Lidl and buy a few days worth of food rather than spend it on a single panini in a cafe? Or perhaps he needed a personal hygiene item. The tone adopted by the cafe staff member when she refused to give him the money was really patronising and I think that is what got my back up more than anything else.

OP posts:
Chipotlego · 03/08/2025 14:49

Eastie77Returns · 03/08/2025 14:48

Why is everyone assuming he planned to use the money on drugs? Quite the leap. He may have wanted to go to Lidl and buy a few days worth of food rather than spend it on a single panini in a cafe? Or perhaps he needed a personal hygiene item. The tone adopted by the cafe staff member when she refused to give him the money was really patronising and I think that is what got my back up more than anything else.

I suspect the cafe is sick of dealing with his shit in honesty. You say it seems to be a regular arrangement, one which you know zero about bar a snapshot today that you have made a tonne of assumptions about.