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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the cafe staff should have given the money to this homeless man?

243 replies

Eastie77Returns · 03/08/2025 14:15

I went to a cafe earlier today. There was a man outside who regularly sits with a sign stating he is homeless and asking for money. At one point a man came in, handed a member of the cafe staff a £20 note and left. It turned out he had given the staff this money to buy a meal for the homeless man who subsequently came into the cafe and ordered some food and drink. It was clearly a regular occurrence as the staff member automatically knew to charge the bill to the £20. When she had rung everything up she handed the man his meal and he asked for his change. She refused and said “No, the money is only to be used for food here. You know this. If you want to use any of the change you can order something else tomorrow”

The homeless man became angry and shouted that he wanted his money. The whole episode escalated and he began banging a table. A male member of staff eventually escorted/pushed him outside.

AIBU to think the cafe should have just given him the money??

OP posts:
Deadringer · 04/08/2025 11:04

Aside from anything else, it's not 'his' change.

HAL200 · 04/08/2025 11:04

I think she should tell the donor she doesn’t want to participate in this pay it forward arrangement

Wow - so you would rather he had no food/ drink from this kind donor?? How unbelievably mean.

The homeless man was asking for something he was not entitled to. She answered him, probably not for the first time. Is probably sick of him pushing his luck and expecting more than he should.

UpDo · 04/08/2025 11:25

Eastie77Returns · 04/08/2025 10:53

I didn’t criticise the donor for feeding him. I criticised the cafe staff member who spoke to this man as if he was something she’d stepped on in the street.

Fair enough, she was complying with the wishes of the donor (not that I actually heard him say the man could not be given the change but perhaps that was a prior arrangement) but the way she treated the homeless man was awful. She clearly felt a lot of disdain towards him and in that case I think she should tell the donor she doesn’t want to participate in this pay it forward arrangement and avoid having the homeless man in her cafe. Treating someone with dignity doesn’t cost anything.

Minding your own business doesn't cost anything either, but here you are.

Charabanc · 04/08/2025 11:42

OP: AIBU?
97%: Yes
OP: Yeah but no but yeah but no 🙄

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 04/08/2025 12:11

Charabanc · 04/08/2025 11:42

OP: AIBU?
97%: Yes
OP: Yeah but no but yeah but no 🙄

OP: also I will ignore any questions about what I did to help and will just judge this clearly fed up with this situation constantly happening worker

Digdongdoo · 04/08/2025 12:27

Eastie77Returns · 04/08/2025 10:53

I didn’t criticise the donor for feeding him. I criticised the cafe staff member who spoke to this man as if he was something she’d stepped on in the street.

Fair enough, she was complying with the wishes of the donor (not that I actually heard him say the man could not be given the change but perhaps that was a prior arrangement) but the way she treated the homeless man was awful. She clearly felt a lot of disdain towards him and in that case I think she should tell the donor she doesn’t want to participate in this pay it forward arrangement and avoid having the homeless man in her cafe. Treating someone with dignity doesn’t cost anything.

Your description of events didn't sound like "disdain" to me. She simply reiterated the arrangement to the man, who then kicked off. What exactly did you want them to do?

AhBiscuits · 04/08/2025 12:33

If the donor had wanted the man to have cash he would have given it to him. There's a reason that he didn't, he doesn't want to risk funding a drug habit. Thats his choice.

Kidsgotothatschool · 04/08/2025 12:35

@Eastie77Returns she deals with this man regularly, you do not.

I don’t understand why you came on mumsnet to complain about a cafe and staff who clearly know him better than you but didn’t feel in that moment to give him £7, if you felt he was dealt with so shoddily and with such disdain?

N0Tfunny · 04/08/2025 14:20

Did we ever get an answer from the OP as to what they personally are doing to help homeless people in their area ? Apart from coming on MN to bitch about others who are not helping in the correct Op approved manner ( given that he is such an expert )?

Chompingatthebeat · 04/08/2025 14:25

N0Tfunny · 04/08/2025 14:20

Did we ever get an answer from the OP as to what they personally are doing to help homeless people in their area ? Apart from coming on MN to bitch about others who are not helping in the correct Op approved manner ( given that he is such an expert )?

Op is allowed to start a discussion without having to solve the homeless crisis

Charabanc · 04/08/2025 14:26

Chompingatthebeat · 04/08/2025 14:25

Op is allowed to start a discussion without having to solve the homeless crisis

Then OP should not judge people who are helping the homeless.

Chompingatthebeat · 04/08/2025 14:37

Charabanc · 04/08/2025 14:26

Then OP should not judge people who are helping the homeless.

If judging was banned, mumsnet wouldn't exist

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 04/08/2025 16:19

Chompingatthebeat · 04/08/2025 14:25

Op is allowed to start a discussion without having to solve the homeless crisis

OP is judging what someone else didn't do

It's reasonable to what to know what OP did do

Digdongdoo · 04/08/2025 16:35

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 04/08/2025 16:19

OP is judging what someone else didn't do

It's reasonable to what to know what OP did do

OP did nothing. Far easier and cheaper to keep your own wallet full and tell other people off for helping wrong.

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 04/08/2025 16:54

Digdongdoo · 04/08/2025 16:35

OP did nothing. Far easier and cheaper to keep your own wallet full and tell other people off for helping wrong.

Edited

Oh we KNOW OP didn't give him any money either

Else she'd have said

Conveniently ignoring the question makes it pretty obvious

She just wants to judge people who are helping for not doing it the way she would if she bothered to help

Bigcat25 · 04/08/2025 17:10

Surely the man donating money regularly has more knowledge of his circumstances than you do. If you feel strongly about him having funds to spend elsewhere, you are welcome to provide them yourself.

andweallsingalong · 04/08/2025 19:03

I have long been in the "don't give money" camp. I live in a area with no hostels and long council waiting lists - disgusting in my view that councils don't have a duty to ALL homeless people.

Several years ago a young women sadly died, she lived in the are I am from and it was all over the local news that she was long term homeless and frequently begging, well liked and people felt very bad that they hadn't given her more money because then she wouldn't have been out late and died of pneumonia.

It made me challenge my stance. So I found out her story.

She was a recovering heroin addict, stable on methadone, with a nice flat and a boyfriend in work. Now and again she would have cravings and beg. If given money she would lapse and use heroin and crack. If lucky and no one gave her money she would stick to her methadone.

Unfortunately she was a very good beggar.

Many years of begging and being mistakenly thought to be homeless later her addiction spiralled, her boyfriend left her for cheating and her new boyfriend and friends moved her into a squat with them. They sent her out to beg when they were short of money for drugs because she was good at it. She would take a sleeping bag to catch commuters who would think she was out all night and then be back out when the drugs ran out. When it got cold she contracted pneumonia and sadly died.

One of hundreds of stories why not to give money to beggars. I still don't have even one reason to give money.

Then there is OP who has done zero research into this individual before being judgemental as hell against the cafe who agreed to feed him. Yes they were paid, but many would have refused and judged him as bad for business.

XWKD · 04/08/2025 19:06

If the person giving the money wanted him to have it, he would have given it to him. It was given to the staff on the understanding that it was for food.

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