To not understand Dh’s problem with me working like this

[Beautymagazineswillonlymakeyoufeelfat]

I work part time around our Dd. She’s had some health issues and I need to be on standby and be flexible for any issues that may arise.
I work three evenings per week, two hours per evening…granted, not much..but the pay is the same (if not a tiny bit more) as I would get working say Mon-Fri- school hours.
I also do pretty much everything around the house. Weekends are free with nothing really to be done, Dh comes home to dinner and has not much to do, aside from washing up some days and putting Dd to bed some nights. I also do all bills, Drs, dentists, school things etc etc
I think I’ve arranged it well around my Dd, make good money, am pleased I can make the same in a short space of time as I would working every day and can have lots of time with Dd

Dh seems resentful

Aibu or doing something wrong?

@DrinkFeckArseBrick I don’t think she will respond to this. Many others have asked the same question.

So he is jealous.
He sees you earning very good money vs the number of hours you’re putting in.
And he BELIEVES that being at home is like being in hols, lounging around, doing nothing. Never mind you’re at home with your dd.

We’re back to the mysoginist idea that women work isn’t work, esp if it’s unpaid.

Im going to guess he never had to look after his dd on his own for days on end. Ensure she is gettimg some sort of education even she isn’t at school. Dealt with school, appointments etc??
And I’m pretty sure that if you were to propose to swap roles over and HE does all the cleaning, cooking, appountments, education, he wouldn’t swap either?

I think its time for a tedious list of all you take care of for him, or stop taking care of him so he can see how much you cover and the work he needs to do if you don't do it. My child taken care of, coming home to a cooked meal and the freedom to go out several times a week sounds a luxurious life to me.

OP your set up sounds perfect. Yes he has to work and do a bit of parenting and adulting, but I suspect you carry the bulk of the house and life admin. Don’t change it for him, don’t pander to him. I say this as a woman who holds down a nearly full time job and has to do the bulk of childcare in evenings due to my husbands job hours. It’s not that hard to hold the fort at home sometimes; women do it all the time. Is it because he is a man he feels this is unfair?

So you are doing all the childcare for a high needs child, do everything around the house and the family finances. Besides all that you also work part time.

Your husband does next to nothing in the house and barely any childcare and he just has a full time job, that he appears to hate?

Seems like he has got the better deal and he is resentful of you? Ungrateful git!

If he doesn't like his job, that's his problem to solve. You are not his emotional punching bag and you are not responsible for his career.

Off topic a bit, but I'd love to know what this 6-hour a week job is that gives you a full time wage!

I dont think it's that simple. My sister did similar. They didn't need the money, though at all. Her husband was quite happy to support her for a good few years until the child was older.

No health needs and no money issues. My sister did a job that was very low-paid. So it wasn't even bringing in any money. Did it in the evenings a couple of times a week. She wanted to increase it to 4 evenings a week and also saturday mornings.

To be clear, they could not afford their lifestyle without her husband's salary. And her job couldn't support them. So him leaving his job wasn't an issue.
The issue my sister's husband had with it was that he was at work all day and he comes home takes over from my sister with the childcare then she goes straight out and by the time she came back, the kid was in bed.

Same on Saturday mornings, she'd be straight out in the morning and wouldn't be back till about midday. Her husband would take the young child to the supermarket on saturday morning.He then do all the shopping for the week whilst my sister was at the job. Then bring home and get lunch ready and everything. So he pulled his way it wasn't as if he did nothing around the house. He was very good with diy and mowing the lawn and shopping and cooking.

The issue her husband had with it was that they were never together as a family.

They were like ships that passed in the night. It was either one of them being alone with the child. And then only two evenings are week and one day at the weekend in one half day where they actually had time together all three of them.

The differences you have the whole weekend together I suppose.

Not saying it's right to have that attitude, but he might be seeing it that way. Maybe he would like evenings with all three of you together.

This seems to be spot on

Maybe he would like evenings with all three of you together.

But he does?
He has 5 evenings a week and 2 full days with his wife and dd.

He is choosing to spend 3/5 evenings with his friends. That’s on him!

I feel women can never win.
If as a woman, you dint work around your dc needs, you’re a free lodger, taking the mick etc…. And if you then end up getting divorce, it’s all your fault for stopping work regardless of the logistics.
But if you work around your dcs, which in the OP’s case means evenings or weekends, then poor husband who doesn’t see his wife. He has to work full time AND parent in the evening. How awful!!

Never mind that if the OP’s was working full time, he would still have to parent his dd anyway. Or maybe that’s the thing. It’s awful because he HAS TO do some parenting and take responsibility in the evening and can’t slack.

Quite simply these type of men just haven’t got a clue. Want it all their own way. Think “women’s work” is a walk in the park. They don’t even come close to understanding the enormity of it all, and these women who hold everything together, will also be lacking in emotional support as this type are incapable of offering it. They also don’t care that you are sacrificing your career for the sake of the family.
Keep on doing what you are doing OP, you know you are the best parent to be on hand to support your daughter’s needs as and when.
Maintain your skills as no doubt you will be needing a good income when you have had enough of his selfish attitude or he runs off in the future because it is all too much for him!

Sounds like he's got it made really, all he has to do is think about work nothing else! How does he see it panning out if you were working in the day and your daughter couldn't go to school?

He’s sounds like an idiot. I’ve never understood men who actively want their wives to work hard / struggle? Surely as a man your goal is to give your partner an easy as possible life? You’re also contributing equally and doing more than him around the house. I would tell him to get over it or he can piss off.

Are you a tutor, op? Where i live, tutors charge £30 per half hour. So she could be earning £360 for 6 hours work, when she'd have to do 30 ish hours in a minimum wage job during school hours to make the same.

Assuming you've got a teaching qualification, maybe he's resentful that you're not using it in full time employment as a teacher, which would bring in more money? But then, presumably, he would have to help out when your DD is off sick and help with wrap around care and household tasks.

It sounds like you just need a proper conversation. He possibly isn't appreciating what your part time hours are facilitating. If the 6 hours of solo parenting that he does aren't considered taxing by you, perhaps he perceives the parenting you do the rest of the time also isn't taking? Maybe he just wants assurance that you will go back to full time work once your daughter is older.
Basically, just have a talk with him.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong OP. I don't think people realise what a luxury it is to only have to think about work. If I could do that my life would be a breeze! He is obvs taking for granted all that you do.

He sounds like an asshole, who doesn't realise how good he has it.

It's more likely his ego is hurt because you're earning so much.

Just ignore him, and decide what you're gonna do about your future.

It sounds like the job is something like tutoring which isn't possible in school hours, and a school hour job working for an employer isn't going to be paying anything like the same per hour. My friend works in programming/app development and earns a v high per hour self employed rate so although she could easily earn the same amount of money per work or possibly a bit more its not actually worth it for family life in terms of flexibility and number of hours worked

Unless his job has suddenly got more stressful nothing really changed. Would be the same as before DD. He doesn’t think it is fair. What does he think would be fair?

Would you be happy/practical to swap? His works part time and takes on bulk of parenting/household. I suspect he wouldn’t want to swap. Perhaps when DD back at school have a trial run. He takes a week off work and if possible you replicate working full time. My guess is if you did he would see he has actually got a good gig being at work all day.

I’d have to ask him outright if he has a problem. That’s the normal sequence of events isn’t it?
I can’t see what his problem is, apart from he’s jealous that you can earn good money for so few hours. His dinner is on the table when he gets in. He spends a couple of hours eating/watching TV/walking the dog with his daughter and then you’re back by bedtime. What’s the issue?
But why does he go out with friends 3/4 nights a week? That would be an issue!

Oh and if your DD is frequently off school, who does he propose looks after her if you had a standard daytime job?

Yes he probably does think I should go back to my job full time, which I worked for twenty odd years in the past and will in the future. I just can’t until Dd is settled with everything. I’ve told him
for this to work, he’d have to take time off work for appointments or if she’s ill, he’d have to do some drop offs and pick ups too. He just says his hours are set and it’s not possible, so it looks like it would all be on me?! I couldn’t keep my old, full time professional work at present, I would be sacked so therefore I’ve busted my ass to find a solution around it all
It just doesn’t seem to go in

He’s fallen into this kind of mentality

He has blocked out how much housework and cleaning is involved in being an adult (never mind the housework that others create too) and probably imagines you doing nothing at home while he’s at work.

He probably thinks that he does lots of parenting because you’re out of the house on weekdays and he might get “poor you” comments from people who hear his side of things. He will not have noticed or considered that you’ve cooked dinner and made sure dd has done homework etc

He probably thinks that you should work the same hours as him and pay 50% of the bills while continue doing all the housework. He will not have considered DD’s health and while it might manifest as her sleeping all day or whatever, it means you can’t go out to work and no childcare would have her. My son had health issues so had some years of barely getting to school so you have my sympathy on that front. I’m a single parent so I have a big fat gap on my CV as a result and I suspect it’s hindered my employment prospects.

He would not cope, it would all go to shit, i’m the one who keeps everything going

Sounds tbh as though he wants wifey at home to pass him his pipe and slippers and mop his fevered brow at the end of the day. Having tidies the children away first, obviously.

So what he actually wants is

• more money because you earned more than him
• but still have no responsibility at all re his dd, appointments etc… asking YOU to somehow create the flexibility he doesn’t have at work
• and all the while, you still carry on holding the fort and doing all the wifey duties.

You see the system we’re creating there, asking women to earn as much as men whilst men still do fuck all re the house, parenting etc…. Is yet again taking advantage of women and seing their input as both non important but essential. Just more demands and finger pointing.

He is naive (because that’s his own child that would pay the price of you going back to a full time position) but also extremely entitled. A good example of wanting his cake and eat it.

Yep!