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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent reacting negatively towards house purchase

166 replies

Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:16

AIBU?
Sorry if this is long!

My mum kindly offered to gift us £50,000 towards our house purchase. We accepted it, working towards a max budget. She has since felt the need to give us 'advice' on going for certain types of houses (sends us links to places we don't like) suggests we go to the max budget, and has even rescinded the 'gift' to more of a loan (said it'd unlikely but if needed some money back she'd ask us, but would give plenty of warning....)

We initially went for a house a few months ago, told her the good news about our offer being accepted (was £70k under our Max budget) and she spent a good 5 mins criticising the fact it was a terraced house. Offered no congratulations etc. It really deflated us.

For various reasons, the sale fell through, and we viewed a property quite quickly after and fell in love with it (large, 4 bed, large garden, garage, safe area etc). I told her at a family party today, her face looked like thunder when I told her which house it was (it wasn't one she liked, because it's an older house....and not a brand new build). I started to briefly explain why we love it and it's right for us, and she just interrupted me and said "we'll discuss this at your house" (she's coming to stay with us tonight) then she turned away from me and changed convo with a relative.

I feel so deflated, nothing will ever match her standards. Because of the £50k gift/loan, she feels she has the right to say where we live. I just want her to trust that we are capable adults making our own decisions etc. I'm in mid 30s, married, 3 young children, lived in plenty of houses and moved around a lot.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with the upcoming conversation when she arrives at our house and she will want to talk about it?

Extra info - we can just about afford the house without her money, but it'll increase monthly payments by £271 and I can't be on the mortgage because I'm not working (will be in 2 years after maternity etc).

She has done subtle controlling things in the past e.g hanging up my washing on the clothes line 'the right way' but is equally very supportive (has come to stay and look after my children if I'm poorly, great with my children, gives us presents - but whenever my children wear something she gifted them, she'll say 'nanny bought you that' - she did this in the middle of us giving other big news in our life, and it wasn't an outfit she'd even bought my child!)

And we are moving to be closer to her and my brother and dad (within 30 mins)

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 02/08/2025 21:19

There's no way I would take the money from her, it'll damage your relationship. If you have no other option, I would draw up a contract and keep it formal. This takes the power away from her.

PoxyAndIKnowIt · 02/08/2025 21:19

Give back the gift and set yourself free of any obligation to her. You don’t want a gift with strings.

I presume you’re putting a lot more than £50K in yourselves!

FinancialThyme · 02/08/2025 21:20

Just don't take the money. It isn't worth the stress and upset.

And also, you can be on the mortgage even if you're not working, it just won't increase the amount that they'll lend if you don't have an income. If you're not on the mortgage, you won't be on the deeds to the property (a mortgage lender won't lend unless all owners are on the mortgage).

Original poster
Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:22

PoxyAndIKnowIt · 02/08/2025 21:19

Give back the gift and set yourself free of any obligation to her. You don’t want a gift with strings.

I presume you’re putting a lot more than £50K in yourselves!

We will be putting down a £100k deposit ourselves that we've built up over years overpaying on our current mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:24

FinancialThyme · 02/08/2025 21:20

Just don't take the money. It isn't worth the stress and upset.

And also, you can be on the mortgage even if you're not working, it just won't increase the amount that they'll lend if you don't have an income. If you're not on the mortgage, you won't be on the deeds to the property (a mortgage lender won't lend unless all owners are on the mortgage).

If we decide not to take her money, we'll need to borrow £50k more. The broker said we can borrow £250k with both of us on mortgage, but can borrow £300k if I'm not. That's the only way we can do it without using my mums gift. I'd go on the mortgage and contribute to it as soon as I start working. We could look at a 2 year mortgage as I'll be working by then.

OP posts:
Wolfpa · 02/08/2025 21:24

Who has told you you can’t be on the mortgage?

Original poster
Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:26

Wolfpa · 02/08/2025 21:24

Who has told you you can’t be on the mortgage?

Nobody hasn't, I can be on the mortgage but can only borrow £50k less. So that's where my mums gift came in.

OP posts:
meganorks · 02/08/2025 21:27

Don't take the money. It's not worth it. But you might not be able to anyway. When we bought our house my PIL had gifted us some deposit money. They were required to write and sign a letter stating that the money was a gift and not expected back. I don't think you'd be able to use the money if she states it's sort of a loan, maybe, not sure, might want some back at some point, not sure when.

FinancialThyme · 02/08/2025 21:27

Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:24

If we decide not to take her money, we'll need to borrow £50k more. The broker said we can borrow £250k with both of us on mortgage, but can borrow £300k if I'm not. That's the only way we can do it without using my mums gift. I'd go on the mortgage and contribute to it as soon as I start working. We could look at a 2 year mortgage as I'll be working by then.

Show quote history

Get a different broker - even better, get no broker and go direct if you can. They don't work for you, they're paid by lenders and have no duty to get you the best deal.

You cannot be a legal owner of the house if you're not on the mortgage.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 02/08/2025 21:31

Buy a house you can comfortably afford without her money. If it isn’t this house, look for something else. Having her controlling you isn’t worth it.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 02/08/2025 21:31

A loaded gift is not a gift. Don’t accept the money. As someone else suggested shop around yourself for a better mortgage and see what comes of that. But no, I really wouldn’t take the money.

AlloaintheMiddle · 02/08/2025 21:31

Sorry but why is the mortgage lower with you on it?

Imaybeoldbutstillrandy · 02/08/2025 21:32

I agree with PP - say thank you, but we'd rather not accept your kind offer, we'd rather stand on our own 2 feet.

She's always going to feel entitled to comment about any house that she's helped you to buy - doesn't like the way you've decorated it, furnished it etc.

fthisfthatfeverything · 02/08/2025 21:32

so your going to take the money and put mortgage in your husbands name only????

for a start. When you take things from people they have a certain hold over you. Nod and smile.
Ask her to make it clear if it’s a loan or a gift

fthisfthatfeverything · 02/08/2025 21:34

Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:24

If we decide not to take her money, we'll need to borrow £50k more. The broker said we can borrow £250k with both of us on mortgage, but can borrow £300k if I'm not. That's the only way we can do it without using my mums gift. I'd go on the mortgage and contribute to it as soon as I start working. We could look at a 2 year mortgage as I'll be working by then.

Show quote history

This is rubbish.

Zempy · 02/08/2025 21:37

Why are you moving closer to her? Shouldn’t you be considering 100 miles in the opposite direction?

LemonSqueezy0 · 02/08/2025 21:40

It would really piss me off to think she will comment on every little thing in your home, for the sake of £50k that you can actually get elsewhere
.. Look how she's been so far and she hasn't actually lent you anything yet... She will be relentless once you do actually ask for the money, and use the money. Imagine her commenting on everything from which way the toilet roll goes, to the sofa position, to the gardening....

That £50k will stick in your throat every day for the rest of her life. Is it really worth it?
The vague threat of it now being a loan, rather than a gift Is a huge red flag. Listen to your instincts...

samplesalequeen · 02/08/2025 21:40

I’d thank her for her generosity but decline the money.

She’ll never be happy with what you pick and I’d never trust that she wouldn’t ask for the money back.

PricklyLikeCactus · 02/08/2025 21:41

Don’t buy it unless you’re on the mortgage and the deeds, for a start, are you mad?!
What your broker has said is not true. And buy it without needing your mum’s money if possible, then put her money into ISAs or other safe investment so that if she wants it back you aren’t struggling to repay, and if she doesn’t end up wanting it you could overpay the mortgage in the future.

Whistlingformysupper · 02/08/2025 21:41

OP the 50k aside - you need to ensure you are on the mortgage. Otherwise you won't be a legal owner of the property and will be in a very, very vulnerable position.
Who's told you they will lend less if you are not on it? I would not trust that and would be looking for another broker.
Tbh if you plan to return to work in the next year or two I'd wait to buy a property then when a second salary can be taken into account.

Nina1013 · 02/08/2025 21:41

In theory I understand what you’re saying - it lowers his borrowing because supporting 2 people on one salary is a bigger risk. However, I don’t think it’s likely he will get the mortgage through without you on it, because lenders generally like (insist) on both partners who will be living in the property to be on the mortgage. It may well be kicked back pre offer (post agreement in principle).

parietal · 02/08/2025 21:42

This evening, tell her you want to get your paperwork in order for the house purchase. Ask her if the money is a gift with no strings attached, a loan or if she needs it back now. Whichever she picks, draw up a formal letter right there to agree the gift or loan. You need this for tax reasons anyway.

once it is written and agreed, you can hold her to the agreement. If you make a choice she doesn’t like, just say “isn’t it good that different people make different choices” or “well we can’t all be just like you”. Keep it breezy and move on.

Whistlingformysupper · 02/08/2025 21:42

Take the 50k but put it in a savings account and consider an offset mortgage so that it can reduce the interest you pay but still be there in case mil asks for it back.

Vaxtable · 02/08/2025 21:45

Don’t take the money, then decide if you can really afford this house, or continue to look

Just refuse the offer from your mum, and stop talking tp her about the houses you see/want until you have bought and are ready to move

Hollietree · 02/08/2025 22:03

When we were applying for mortgages recently, we could borrow less money if I was added to the mortgage. Sounds crazy but it’s not uncommon.

My Husband is a high earner and is 3 years younger than me. I earn a lower wage part-time. Because I am 3 years older they would only offer us a mortgage with a 3 year shorter term, than if my Husband applied for the mortgage in his name only. So applying together we could borrow less, have a shorter term and have higher monthly payments! Was a no brainer for the mortgage to be in his name only.

We have been married 20 years, have children together etc……so should we ever divorce I would still be entitled to 50% of the house.

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