To think about ending a sexless marriage

FrustratedOldLady · 2025-08-01T19:14:59+00:00

NC for obvious reasons 🥴. After some opinions/ideas that I might not have considered. Long post as want to give all info without drip feeding! Background: I’ve been married 26 years, I’ve just hit 50, have 4 children, youngest of whom is 13. Since our youngest was born, our sex life has been really bad, averaging twice a year. Last 5 years, maybe 3 times in total. He rarely sleeps in our bed as he’s an insomniac, so that doesn’t help. When we do have sex, he has a type of ED which means he takes ages to finish. My DH is just not interested in sex. He never instigates and when I do (mainly for connection), I have a 99% chance of getting rejected. I’ve suggested counselling, I’ve asked him to go to GP (about his sleep and lack of libido), I’ve asked him to get a blood test thinking maybe testosterone levels are off. He won’t do anything about it as he says he’s happy as he is. We get on well, but we’re pretty much living as roommates. I miss sex! He’s not affectionate at all, so no hugs, kissing, handholding etc either. But the family unit is happy and comfortable, kids are happy, we have a lovely life. Do I blow that up because of a lack of sex/physical affection? Do I just hang on in there for 5 years until they’re all adults? I think that would be my absolute maximum, but then that’s 10 years of no sex/affection from him and I’m feeling resentful already. Not sure if relevant, but I haven’t really changed physically since we’ve been together. Obviously I’ve had kids so everything isn’t quite where I left it 25 years ago, but I’m the same weight as I was. So it’s not that I’ve changed physically. Also, I don’t think it’s porn, excess masturbation or an affair. He works from home and has zero social life unless I drag him out. YABU - you’ve managed 5 sexless years and 8 virtually sexless ones, you can manage 5 more. Don’t blow up your family life for sex/affection. YANBU - Life is short and a dead bedroom is a depressing deal breaker.

gamerchick · 01/08/2025 20:18

You can end things for any reason OP.

I couldn't stay with someone with no intimacy. It's selfish to inflict that on your partner.

You could offer the option of seeing other people if he's not interested in you.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 01/08/2025 20:19

Don't take this the wrong way but you've clearly been out of the dating game for decades.

It is an absolute cesspit of the most awful men. Looking for hookups and leading you on. The older, you get the worse it is, as the best ones are taken.

I didn't vote because I m not sure what to say. The bottom line is, do you want to be in a. Relationship, that is loving, secure and safe. Or do you want to be single and looking for sex?

I think what you need to weigh up is. Do you think leaving your relationship would solve a problem, or would it bring up more. What most people fail to realise is that nothing is perfect. And if you were to move on, what would this new reality actually be.

Erectile dysfunction is extremely common in men.Above a certain age. You're already fifty. If you're getting men ever similar age or older on dating apps, it's not gonna be hugely different.Or it won't be in a few years.

You might be very lucky and find someone nice and have a new relationship with fulfilling sex. But most of the time dating is just dire. You may well, never find what you're looking for and then you've given up a secure relationship.

DalstonsRhubarb · 01/08/2025 20:32

Have you told him how unhappy you are? Great that he’s happy with things as they are but presumably he understands that he’s not the only person involved.

Id stay in an otherwise happy marriage with physical affection and closeness but no sex. I wouldn’t stay without it. I would feel too sad.

GoldDuster · 01/08/2025 20:39

This is such a tricky one. There is no guarantee that you'd leave him and blow up the happy comfortable family scene for sex and affection and find any to your liking.

Are you able to talk to him about it, as a shared puzzle to solve and come up with possible compromises? Is he able to communicate about it, or is he head in the sand, I'm fine so there's nothing to see here?

OneNeatBlueOrca · 01/08/2025 20:44

I think the question to ask yourself is would splitting up with him and having your children split between 2 households and you being back in the dating game looking for something else, and sifting through men who may just be time wasters and not of any decent quality...

Would this make your life and your situation better or not?

Would it make your family set up better and happier or not?

You have a thirteen year old. You're going to have limited time anyway, you'll only be able to have men over for sex when the children are at their dads. Maybe at every other weekend and a couple of nights a week.

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 01/08/2025 20:49

I'd find the lack of any physical intimacy full stop to be the most heartbreaking thing about this, OP. I couldn't cope with that, personally.

How does he respond when you try to talk about the issue? If he's a good listener and compassionate towards you, I'd consider suggesting an open marriage/fwb.

okydokethen · 01/08/2025 20:51

I also have a 13 year old and am thinking I could wait 5 years to leave… but what’s going to happen in this time? I’m going to be depressed, lonely and there will be even less chance of me meeting someone else.

im not brave enough yet to leave but im so close!

wishing you luck

CommissarySushi · 01/08/2025 20:54

Have you told him that the lack of sex and connection is becoming a deal breaker for you? He might be happy as he is, but you're not happy and he needs to address that, if he wants to stay married.

PerditionCatchMySoul · 01/08/2025 21:11

People are missing the point. Being in a marriage without sex is so much more lonely than being single with no sex. I haven’t had sex with my husband in 6.5 years and it is heart breaking lonely. Yes I miss sex, but I miss the closeness and intimacy and connection more. If i was single and hadn’t had sex in that long, it wouldn’t be nearly as lonely / hard / sad.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 01/08/2025 21:30

PerditionCatchMySoul · 01/08/2025 21:11

People are missing the point. Being in a marriage without sex is so much more lonely than being single with no sex. I haven’t had sex with my husband in 6.5 years and it is heart breaking lonely. Yes I miss sex, but I miss the closeness and intimacy and connection more. If i was single and hadn’t had sex in that long, it wouldn’t be nearly as lonely / hard / sad.

But there's a difference between sex and intimacy.

For me, the mechanical act of sex isn't the most emotional side of it. It's so cuddling and the touching before and after, and the naked cuddle after.

Is there still intimacy and closeness and touching?In other ways. If you're in a relationship that's completely devoid of any physical contact and touching, then I d say, yeah, call it a day.

But if it's just sex, you re not having, but you re still snuggling up together and holding hands, and there's closeness, then well, sex isn't necessarily the be all and end all.

PermanentTemporary · 01/08/2025 21:43

Could you (both) take sex completely off the table but put the physical intimacy back in? I’m actually not sure I could do that myself, but I’ve heard a few people say that the lack of touch hurts them even more than the lack of sex. Personally I find that without sex, you lose the rhythm and the ‘tuned-in-ness’ that makes touching so good. But it might be worth a try.

I wonder how he thinks about this. He may take actions as being louder than words, in that he pretty much turned the tap off 13 years ago and you’re still there. That’s pretty amazing; I really can’t imagine that I could ever have stayed that long; you’re a good person.

I found the dating scene at 49 onwards pretty ok really, though I learned to read profiles carefully and to see every man as one stage further married than he claimed until proven otherwise. But the state I was in back then, I just wanted people for sex and nothing else, and that is pretty easy to get.

You’ll see from this that I would probably leave. I have no claim that it’s the right thing to do. I just don’t think I could spend a decade plus like this.

Netcurtainnelly · 01/08/2025 21:47

I would not leave over sex.
There is no guarantee you will find everything you want with another partner.
The family will be split and other problems will occur.
Get a vibrator lol. Sometimes it's better the devil you know.

Givenupshopping · 01/08/2025 22:08

First of all OP, ask yourself if you are really prepared to give up ALL that you've worked to build together over 26 years? It's a long time, and it's not until you actually leave a relationship, that you realise everything you have given up. Trust me, I've been there!

Then, if you haven't already, you should sit down together with no interruptions, and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you could possibly cope with the lack of sex, if you were to still get cuddles, and general closeness, but without that you feel that the marriage is over for you. Lay it on the line, no pussy footing around.

Also, at 50 you are presumably close to, or already menopausal. If you're not already, then you may find that that affects your own sex drive. How would you feel if you leave him, and everything that your marriage involves, only to find that you lose your own libido in a couple of years time? Of course, that may not happen, but it is a possibility. Also, do you really want to be coping with hot flushes etc., while maybe trying to build a new relationship?

Another question about him, you say that you've kept yourself in good shape over the years, but has he? Is this perhaps the reason for his problems with ED?

Oblomov25 · 01/08/2025 22:16

He really sad thing about this thread is that we are now discussing how poor OP's dating choices are.

Original poster

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 22:36

OneNeatBlueOrca · 01/08/2025 20:19

Don't take this the wrong way but you've clearly been out of the dating game for decades.

It is an absolute cesspit of the most awful men. Looking for hookups and leading you on. The older, you get the worse it is, as the best ones are taken.

I didn't vote because I m not sure what to say. The bottom line is, do you want to be in a. Relationship, that is loving, secure and safe. Or do you want to be single and looking for sex?

I think what you need to weigh up is. Do you think leaving your relationship would solve a problem, or would it bring up more. What most people fail to realise is that nothing is perfect. And if you were to move on, what would this new reality actually be.

Erectile dysfunction is extremely common in men.Above a certain age. You're already fifty. If you're getting men ever similar age or older on dating apps, it's not gonna be hugely different.Or it won't be in a few years.

You might be very lucky and find someone nice and have a new relationship with fulfilling sex. But most of the time dating is just dire. You may well, never find what you're looking for and then you've given up a secure relationship.

Edited

I’m not necessarily worried about finding another relationship.
I don’t think I’d marry or even live with someone again.
I feel lonely in my marriage, I stay for the children really.
I would be open to a relationship however.
The main thing that keeps me here is not wanting to share them 50/50 or messing with their happy lives 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 22:39

DalstonsRhubarb · 01/08/2025 20:32

Have you told him how unhappy you are? Great that he’s happy with things as they are but presumably he understands that he’s not the only person involved.

Id stay in an otherwise happy marriage with physical affection and closeness but no sex. I wouldn’t stay without it. I would feel too sad.

So many times… he nods and says the right things but nothing changes. There’s no physical affection at all. If I go to hug him, he’ll accept it for a few seconds and then kind of pats me on the back and walk off.
He’s the same with the kids, will tolerate affection but not offer it.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 22:40

GoldDuster · 01/08/2025 20:39

This is such a tricky one. There is no guarantee that you'd leave him and blow up the happy comfortable family scene for sex and affection and find any to your liking.

Are you able to talk to him about it, as a shared puzzle to solve and come up with possible compromises? Is he able to communicate about it, or is he head in the sand, I'm fine so there's nothing to see here?

Very much head in the sand, no interest in sorting. I have tried countless times 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 22:42

OneNeatBlueOrca · 01/08/2025 20:44

I think the question to ask yourself is would splitting up with him and having your children split between 2 households and you being back in the dating game looking for something else, and sifting through men who may just be time wasters and not of any decent quality...

Would this make your life and your situation better or not?

Would it make your family set up better and happier or not?

You have a thirteen year old. You're going to have limited time anyway, you'll only be able to have men over for sex when the children are at their dads. Maybe at every other weekend and a couple of nights a week.

Edited

I wouldn’t be planning on searching for sex and bringing random men back to my house.
The splitting between 2 homes is what keeps me here.

OP posts:

butimamonstersaidthemonster · 01/08/2025 22:44

I think I would stay for the children. Divorce is bad for children. It just is. (Unless of course there is abuse) I don’t think I could destroy my children’s whole world, especially when teenage hormones are raging as it is and kids need stability and safety.

Original poster

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 22:44

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 01/08/2025 20:49

I'd find the lack of any physical intimacy full stop to be the most heartbreaking thing about this, OP. I couldn't cope with that, personally.

How does he respond when you try to talk about the issue? If he's a good listener and compassionate towards you, I'd consider suggesting an open marriage/fwb.

He’s very good at deflecting and changing the subject.
In theory, an open marriage or fwb would be an option, but not sure he’d agree.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 22:46

okydokethen · 01/08/2025 20:51

I also have a 13 year old and am thinking I could wait 5 years to leave… but what’s going to happen in this time? I’m going to be depressed, lonely and there will be even less chance of me meeting someone else.

im not brave enough yet to leave but im so close!

wishing you luck

Are you talking as yourself or putting yourself in my shoes? But yes, that’s a dilemma

OP posts:

Original poster

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 22:50

CommissarySushi · 01/08/2025 20:54

Have you told him that the lack of sex and connection is becoming a deal breaker for you? He might be happy as he is, but you're not happy and he needs to address that, if he wants to stay married.

A year ago I had a really frank conversation with him, said he needed to try and get to the bottom of lack of libido. Asked him if it was me or just a general lack of interest. He said it was just him and he realised it was an issue.
At the time I thought he was listening, but nothing has changed.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 22:51

PerditionCatchMySoul · 01/08/2025 21:11

People are missing the point. Being in a marriage without sex is so much more lonely than being single with no sex. I haven’t had sex with my husband in 6.5 years and it is heart breaking lonely. Yes I miss sex, but I miss the closeness and intimacy and connection more. If i was single and hadn’t had sex in that long, it wouldn’t be nearly as lonely / hard / sad.

Thank you, you’ve worded it so well. It’s so lonely…

OP posts:

Original poster

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 22:54

OneNeatBlueOrca · 01/08/2025 21:30

But there's a difference between sex and intimacy.

For me, the mechanical act of sex isn't the most emotional side of it. It's so cuddling and the touching before and after, and the naked cuddle after.

Is there still intimacy and closeness and touching?In other ways. If you're in a relationship that's completely devoid of any physical contact and touching, then I d say, yeah, call it a day.

But if it's just sex, you re not having, but you re still snuggling up together and holding hands, and there's closeness, then well, sex isn't necessarily the be all and end all.

Show quote history

As I said in my original post, there’s no cuddling, no hand holding, nothing.
If you saw us together, you wouldn’t know if we were siblings, friends etc

OP posts:

Original poster

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 22:58

PermanentTemporary · 01/08/2025 21:43

Could you (both) take sex completely off the table but put the physical intimacy back in? I’m actually not sure I could do that myself, but I’ve heard a few people say that the lack of touch hurts them even more than the lack of sex. Personally I find that without sex, you lose the rhythm and the ‘tuned-in-ness’ that makes touching so good. But it might be worth a try.

I wonder how he thinks about this. He may take actions as being louder than words, in that he pretty much turned the tap off 13 years ago and you’re still there. That’s pretty amazing; I really can’t imagine that I could ever have stayed that long; you’re a good person.

I found the dating scene at 49 onwards pretty ok really, though I learned to read profiles carefully and to see every man as one stage further married than he claimed until proven otherwise. But the state I was in back then, I just wanted people for sex and nothing else, and that is pretty easy to get.

You’ll see from this that I would probably leave. I have no claim that it’s the right thing to do. I just don’t think I could spend a decade plus like this.

Thanks, I think I’ve done well 😂
I’m not overly worried about the dating scene, I’d imagine if you don’t want a long term relationship, there’s not much to worry about.

OP posts: