To think about ending a sexless marriage

[FrustratedOldLady]

NC for obvious reasons 🥴. After some opinions/ideas that I might not have considered. Long post as want to give all info without drip feeding!

Background: I’ve been married 26 years, I’ve just hit 50, have 4 children, youngest of whom is 13.

Since our youngest was born, our sex life has been really bad, averaging twice a year. Last 5 years, maybe 3 times in total. He rarely sleeps in our bed as he’s an insomniac, so that doesn’t help. When we do have sex, he has a type of ED which means he takes ages to finish.

My DH is just not interested in sex. He never instigates and when I do (mainly for connection), I have a 99% chance of getting rejected.

I’ve suggested counselling, I’ve asked him to go to GP (about his sleep and lack of libido), I’ve asked him to get a blood test thinking maybe testosterone levels are off. He won’t do anything about it as he says he’s happy as he is.

We get on well, but we’re pretty much living as roommates. I miss sex! He’s not affectionate at all, so no hugs, kissing, handholding etc either.

But the family unit is happy and comfortable, kids are happy, we have a lovely life. Do I blow that up because of a lack of sex/physical affection? Do I just hang on in there for 5 years until they’re all adults? I think that would be my absolute maximum, but then that’s 10 years of no sex/affection from him and I’m feeling resentful already.

Not sure if relevant, but I haven’t really changed physically since we’ve been together. Obviously I’ve had kids so everything isn’t quite where I left it 25 years ago, but I’m the same weight as I was. So it’s not that I’ve changed physically.

Also, I don’t think it’s porn, excess masturbation or an affair. He works from home and has zero social life unless I drag him out.

YABU - you’ve managed 5 sexless years and 8 virtually sexless ones, you can manage 5 more. Don’t blow up your family life for sex/affection.

YANBU - Life is short and a dead bedroom is a depressing deal breaker.

Nope not unreasonable

I was similarly dissatisfied with my sex life OP. My DH wasn’t even 30 when his interest declined (2008). I put up with an infrequent sex life until this year. I said to him that I wasn’t going to spend my 40s having as little sex as I had in my 30s. I said exactly that and left it to him to decide what he wanted to do with that. I wasn’t giving him an ultimatum but I wanted him to know I wasn’t going to put up with it for the rest of my life. We’re here only ONCE. We don’t get another chance and I want to make the most of it.

Well, it’s improved massively. The difference is my DH has no issues - he’s just absolutely lazy when it comes to relationship stuff and would rather watch porn because it’s easier.

I was prepared to leave so I felt I had nothing to lose. It’s going ok at the moment but it’s something that we’ll always have to work at to avoid it falling off a cliff.

Yes, but he needs to know it’s something she can no longer put up with so he can decide what he does with that - it may be the nudge he needs to get checked if he wants to stay in the relationship. If he’s happy enough not to bother, he can let her go. He needs to be given the heads up, the opportunity to decide if it’s something he’s willing to salvage. I wouldn’t just get up and go without giving him the chance to sort things out.

Somehow you need to make him understand that the time has now come to go for relationship counselling to try to save your marriage, and that if he really won't, you will have to move straight to ending it. I hope he agrees to go.

At counselling you can better understand your own feelings and the other's, and it might take some of the resentment out for you. You might be able to improve things so that you choose to stay together, or the counsellor might help you both see that separation would be better for your happiness.

My exDH and I divorced because we were housemates and colleagues in the job of raising children, nothing more. We agreed we did not want to model that to our kids as a marriage, as we never touched each other. I was incredibly lonely and you and PPs are right, that being married to someone and having no physical relationship or emotional closeness, is much more lonely than being on your own. It's because you're perpetually in expectation of what that relationship should be, and in a state of stress that it isn't (and subconsciously your brain is constantly worrying over why).

I have been single for years and I'm so happy. I date sometimes but I focus on my kids and myself, I might meet someone one day for a serious relationship but I'm happy if I don't. I miss sex but I don't have the horrible feelings I used to, because there's no one in my house that I'm supposed to be having it with.

For us the counselling helped us to separate. We have been amicable and respectful co parents ever since. I am a way better parent now because I'm relaxed and happy, and they can see me making my own choices and being independent. I have never regretted divorcing. It will I'm sure have had negative effects on the kids, but so would staying together, and ultimately I believe happy parent is a good parent. I couldn't turn back time and not marry him, so I chose the least worst option.

“I have wondered this, I wonder if he masked well until our family was complete and now he’s not.
I actually think an open marriage could suit us, I just think because of infidelity in his parents marriage he’d be opposed. But I think I’m getting to the point of suggesting it as a last resort.”

@FrustratedOldLady - actually there was quite a lot of infidelity in my parents’ marriage. Both my sister and I have had periods of open relationship in our marriages. I think the two things may be connected. So don’t assume he’ll disagree on that basis.

Also, as a PP said, you don’t have to present the possibility as blackmail but as an insight into how disconnected and awful you’re feeling. And btw I’m post-menopausal (no HRT) and my libido is still there; I still want sex. I think that’s common. I think being freed from the risk of pregnancy has actually liberated my libido in some ways. So it’s absolutely not a given that this will stop mattering to you.

As a PP said, what you’ve got at the moment is a lifestyle, not a marriage. I think opening it up could work really well. But I actually also think that just quietly taking a lover without his permission is acceptable in these circumstances also.

There is also the question of what is being modelled to your DCs but I don’t think you can really discuss this with them so it’s hard to see what the fix is.

I would at least see the youngest through GCSEs. My dd is 17 and her friend, also 17, has really suffered during her parents’ divorce, which has so far taken about 3 years.

If you wait 3-5 years, your biggest ones might be moving out as well, enabling you to get a smaller place for yourself.

Also in 3-5 years, it’s possible you might feel differently about the sex. Some 55yo women want to have sex, others don’t. But I would think that you will want to, given you want to now. I have a few friends that don’t want to - one (female) confessed this at about 42yo. She did duty sex occasionally.

In any case, divorce is really rough on teens. If you
had an opportunity for fwb with a colleague in a similar situation, then I would say it’s reasonable to do that behind your dh’s back. You’ve clearly explained the problem and he doesn’t care to fix it.

I’ve been in a sexless marriage and now been single for the best part of 17 years and not had sex for 8. Believe me being single when you want not to be is much, much lonelier. There’s also the practical implications of having someone else to share the load, financially and around the house. I’m 51 now and have come to the realisation that this is it for me. No one wIll have me niw and so I’ll be ending my days alone. There’s a lot,to be said for companionship.

I’m so sorry @frustrated.I’ve been in a similar situation. It’s a really tough and lonely place to be. I kept going for the children but it massively eroded my self-confidence and eventually my mental and physical health. My ExH also pulled the ostrich manoeuvre for years and avoided/ignored any attempts to talk. He eventually agreed to counselling when I made it explicitly clear it was a deal-breaker. Sadly he was unable to open up and we eventually separated. It’s been really difficult but personally the right decision for me. The children have had their ups and downs but I was also concerned about the effect of them witnessing a relationship devoid of affection. It’s not normal or healthy. I personally think it also shows a lack of care and empathy on your H’s part.

If he can’t be persuaded to give counselling a go, would you consider going yourself? I found it helpful to untangle my thoughts and feelings of guilt. Do you have friends you can talk to?

I made the right choice for me. Life has more colour, I have joy in my heart and am probably a better parent (as is my ExH now he’s had to step up!) 50/50 is very much better than I thought it would be. But clearly every case is unique. Good luck.

Have you ever suspected that he might be gay?

@stclementine

How do you cope? Is there anywhere on Mumsnet for people to talk who are in our position?

I agree. I wouldn’t blow up my relationship and life just for sex.

Thank you, this is a really thoughtful and balanced post.
I’m naturally a fixer… I always think any problem can be solved. I research, decide on a plan and sort.
But this issue is kind of out of my control and DH is unwilling to engage and find a solution. It’s been dragging on so long.
The 3 options you’ve summarised are fair, I need to firmer and have this conversation.

Sounds like we’re a similar age… I think I need to get to the stage where I’m happy to walk away if he won’t do anything. Maybe I’m still partially in denial, still expecting a change. Probably naive after 8-13 years of next to nothing 😢

Thank you for your insight, sounds like you’ve been through very similar.
I think I know the marriage is over really, it’s whether I put up for another 5 years or leave now.
I do think I’d be happier alone, than this endless feeling of being married in name only

Thanks. Can I ask, how did opening the marriage work for you? I think I need to research this possibility if I get to the point of deciding to leave the marriage as a last resort to try.

Thanks, the kids are what keep me in this quandary. If I were childless, I’d be long gone. Sometimes 5 years sounds doable (it’s only 5 more years) and other times it’s - 5 more years, that’s so long!
Sadly, I work in an all female environment 😂

I might look into counselling for myself, thank you. Glad you’re happier now 😊

I don’t think he’s gay, but I can see why you’d ask 😊
More likely, he’s neuro diverse or just not interested anymore.

It's going to be a long life without love and affection.
You have a choice, I think you should choose yourself.
Mary people in sex less relationships have affairs, I'd be tempted in your position.

I’ve been in your position and it is so lonely and really destroys your self-esteem. Luckily we didn’t have kids, so I left. I was also unhappily single for 3 years afterwards (because I really wanted a loving relationship and also I really wanted kids). But what I did have was hope. Before I had felt trapped and hopeless, but now I could see the possibility of a happy future. Thankfully I found my husband through a mutual friend. You don’t have to do OLD - I tried it and found it too depressing. Best of luck, OP, whatever you decide.

Do you feel it would be possible to improve the communication between you? Does he masturbate, and if so how often, or is his sex drive just at zero? What kind of sex does he like, can he remember, is there anything that he would like to try, or does he consider his sex life over? If you went under a bus tomorrow, would he look to meet someone, and would he envisage having sex with them? Does he ever feel like reaching out to touch you, does he like kissing, and is something stopping him, or he just never gets the impulse?

I think you need to present him with some options and have a very frank conversation about where you're at and what the possible outcomes are likely to be. If you've been really clear, repeatedly, and seen no action then I think it would be fair for you to take steps to improve the situation for yourself.

I don't think that divorce is a total disaster, contrary to some posters. It's just not. It depends on a lot of factors but I know plenty of children from families that have divorced well, that are as, if not more balanced and thriving than their peers who's parents are still together. It's not a black and white signifier of outcome by any means.

He says his sex drive is zero, he says he doesn’t masturbate (I obviously have know way of knowing).
He’s never really been one for kissing, unless it was leading to sex.
Ive asked him in the past if he’d ever remarry or be in another relationship if I died and he said he would probably just be on his own if it was after the children had moved out.
He’s not a hugger at all, I’ve never seen him hug his mum, dad or siblings. Although they’re not really huggers either.
He’ll hug our kids or me if we initiate it, but his body language is very much that he’s tolerating it for a few seconds and he’s the one to end it.

Tell him you're thinking of taking a lover and see what his thoughts are. You'll at least get your point across and you might make him realise you're nearing the end of the road.

Is he really expecting you to bob along for the next thirty years without so much as a hand hold or someone taking hold of you and squeezing you? He can't truly want this for someone he loves, surely.

I think this is a case of I'm alright Jack, I don't think he's even thinking of this from your point of view.

Would you genuinely be fulfilled if he goes to counselling/hugs you/has sex because you tell him it's a last resort? Would it not just feel like he's doing it out of duty - hardly good for your self esteem.

It’s all well and good everyone saying you should stay for the sake of the children but I think it’s worth considering how your relationship with your DH affects them. Children learn how to behave in a relationship by what they see at home, they mimic those learned behaviours when they’re older. Do you want your DC to think that a relationship with no affection or intimacy is the norm?

I left my sexless marriage after 20 years, partly because I wasn’t ready for a life of celibacy and partly because I thought I was setting an unhealthy example to my children. I’m now in a new long term relationship and my teenagers see us holding hands and saying that we love each other.