To think about ending a sexless marriage

[FrustratedOldLady]

NC for obvious reasons 🥴. After some opinions/ideas that I might not have considered. Long post as want to give all info without drip feeding!

Background: I’ve been married 26 years, I’ve just hit 50, have 4 children, youngest of whom is 13.

Since our youngest was born, our sex life has been really bad, averaging twice a year. Last 5 years, maybe 3 times in total. He rarely sleeps in our bed as he’s an insomniac, so that doesn’t help. When we do have sex, he has a type of ED which means he takes ages to finish.

My DH is just not interested in sex. He never instigates and when I do (mainly for connection), I have a 99% chance of getting rejected.

I’ve suggested counselling, I’ve asked him to go to GP (about his sleep and lack of libido), I’ve asked him to get a blood test thinking maybe testosterone levels are off. He won’t do anything about it as he says he’s happy as he is.

We get on well, but we’re pretty much living as roommates. I miss sex! He’s not affectionate at all, so no hugs, kissing, handholding etc either.

But the family unit is happy and comfortable, kids are happy, we have a lovely life. Do I blow that up because of a lack of sex/physical affection? Do I just hang on in there for 5 years until they’re all adults? I think that would be my absolute maximum, but then that’s 10 years of no sex/affection from him and I’m feeling resentful already.

Not sure if relevant, but I haven’t really changed physically since we’ve been together. Obviously I’ve had kids so everything isn’t quite where I left it 25 years ago, but I’m the same weight as I was. So it’s not that I’ve changed physically.

Also, I don’t think it’s porn, excess masturbation or an affair. He works from home and has zero social life unless I drag him out.

YABU - you’ve managed 5 sexless years and 8 virtually sexless ones, you can manage 5 more. Don’t blow up your family life for sex/affection.

YANBU - Life is short and a dead bedroom is a depressing deal breaker.

Gosh, I could have written this myself.
Amazing, insightful post full of truth

I’ve done that, but nothing has changed 😢
The only thing at the moment that keeps me there, is the children and the financial security (although I earn enough I’d be very ok if we divorced with 50/50 assets)

I know, sounds like I’m passed my prime 😂

I bet my bottom dollar he's watching porn at night

I'd stick it out for the kids and search out a fwb situation. I think once you psychologically end the relationship/take sex off the table completely it'll be much easier to cope with living as co-parents. It's the hope and then disappointment that's difficult I think.

If he's happy with his low libido I don't think it's right for you to keep insisting that he must seek medical support/therapy/ must somehow change who he is. He's happy with how things are. Your move.

I have a very good vibrator, but there’s a limit. It’s not just sex, it’s intimacy and affection I’m missing.

That’s what’s kept me here the last 13 years 🥴
They are definitely happy at the moment and neither of us would want to share custody 50/50

He’s really not, he charges his phone in kitchen and there are no gadgets where he sleeps.
Plus our broadband is very locked down because of the kids.
Unless he’s doing it in work time, on his work network 👀
He works in our kitchen too, where anyone could walk in

I think this is the point I’m getting to… muddle through next 5 years any means necessary.
I feel like I’m the bad guy getting him to try and find a solution.
You get married and this person is supposed to be the only person you have sex with forever and then they don’t want to anymore.
What do you do? 🤔
I’ve been researching around it.. I’m very tactile and need physical affection. Married to someone who’s decided they don’t need physical affection 😢
But we have a whole life built over 25+ years. Very tricky

Well yes i've been online dating myself. I also know somebody in their twenties while she's a colleague of mine who's doing online dating.

It's an absolute cess pool, no matter the age you are.

I think it's fair enough to point out that if she leaves a relationship in pursuit of something else, precisely what those choices are.

It's difficult to meet somebody.The older you are, and most of them are already taken.

I think you sort of are the bad guy trying to make him find a solution. You need to find a solution and from the sound of it that's a relationship of some kind, somewhere else (fwb or otherwise). I don't think you'd be the bad guy to tell him that that's what is happening now. Give him the choice to break up the family or accept it.

It must make you feel awful, you deserve a loving intimate relationship, he hasn't even tried to make an effort to change things.

I'm mid 40's, so many couples my age are breaking up, it's like a light bulb moment when the children are getting older, no longer a distraction, you see the problems.

I think you’d be selfish to leave at the moment. I’d be putting your teenage kids before your sex life until they’re away to uni.

Babestation on tv

I have thought about a fwb kind of arrangement.
But that could go 1 of 3 ways:

• I ask DH and he says no (very likely)
• I don’t ask him and do it anyway, get caught and then I’m the bad guy (50/50)
• i ask him and he says ‘yes’.. unlikely as he’s the child of divorce caused by infidelity

What is that, or do not even want to ask? 😂

Softcore porn channel on freeview/sky

I would end it yes because that sounds really depressing. He's checked out of all intimacy. That's no way to live. Sex life can ebb and flow as a long term married couple for many reasons but it sounds like he's just completely given up. That's not fair on you. Honestly now your kids are all out of primary school I'd just end this marriage. Being alone is better and less soul destroying than being continually rejected by someone who's there.

I hadn’t noticed bottom paragraph… he’s in good shape too. Apart from normal aging we’re both pretty much as we were when we got married.
His form of ED has always been there. Must admit, didn’t even know it was a thing until I started researching over the last few years, thought ED iwas usually PE… Youth and naivety!
If it was a new thing, I’d assume it was me having multiple kids etc, but has been a thing for him since pre kids. Takes him 30+ minutes on average.

Did you say he suffers from insomnia?

Whats he doing when he cant sleep then?

With the greatest respect, if he's addicted to porn, he will find a way. Tv, gets his phone from kitchen when you're alseep... etc etc

Before porn was so easy accessible, there would've been far less posts than this on mn

What a sad sad thread. These women suggesting you stay, as half a life is better than the unknown.

You're thinking of missing 5 years of happiness to stay in this shell of a marriage.

Don't worry too much about the kids I'm sure they'll be fine if you split up. Probably most of their mates are from single parent households.

And I can completely understand how lonely and unloved you must feel. I'd probably shrivel up and die inside if I was you.

I've been single over 6 years, and yes the dating scene is dire, but once you separate the wheat from the chaff there are some good men out there. I just haven't found the one right for me.

However I do get sex (if I want it), cuddles and affection, if I go looking.

I have an amazing social life friend and family but I do miss a cuddle and being adored. But I'd rather be lonely alone than lonely with someone who's suppose to love me.

And please ignore all those saying to wait until menopause as you'll lose your sex drive. NOT all women do. I definitely didn't!!

I feel your pain in your posts OP, I hope you work something out.

In response to my earlier post OP, you replied, 'I’ve done that, but nothing has changed 😢' What did you mean by that, that you'd laid it all on the line for him? If so, I'm assuming you didn't actually tell him that not getting what you need from him, could result in the end of your marriage? However, if you did, what did he say?

You also said somewhere that he's very good at diverting the conversation, so if it appears that he's not actually listening to you, and hasn't in the past, then I think I'd be inclined to write him a good old fashioned letter. Tell him that you've had enough of feeling lonely in your marriage, and if he can't bring himself to want to cuddle you and show you attention as you would like, then you feel that you may be tempted to look elsewhere, or if you feel it really strongly, you could say that you will be looking elsewhere. The great thing about writing a letter to someone who can't or won't communicate, is that they have to read to the end to find out what it's all about, so they can't not listen, if you see what I mean.

Depending on how you feel, you could put the letter straight in his hand, or leave it somewhere where he can't help but see it, then give him some time to read and think about what it means to him, and how he wants to respond, then if he hasn't already come to you to discuss it, you will have to ask him what he thinks about your letter. If he's that much of the type to bury his head in the sand, then he might just be tempted to say he hasn't seen it, so if you take the route of leaving it somewhere for him to find, I'd keep a copy if I were you, so that if he says he's not seen it and it's disappeared, you can literally put it in his hand.

If you take the pressure for sex off the table completely, he might be more affectionate.
I know when I lost my sex drive I avoided cuddles and hugs, once we talked about it, I was more affectionate.

Would he be okay with you having sex with another man?

If you don't know how he'd react to open marriage/fwb, I don't think you can have had a full and frank conversation. If you had, you would have covered this and know his reaction. Does he fully realise you are up against a deal-breaker (if not now, in five years)?

@FrustratedOldLady Just to give you another perspective as 50/50 with the kids is not always awful.

I divorced with 3 teens after a long marriage (different context for ending, but also felt incredibly lonely and my kids had a secure and stable life). IF you can divorce amicably, and put the children first, be respectful to each other and agree on a plan that works for the children’s best needs and for you both; 50/50 can work well. All the obvious stuff like, Never put the kids in the middle or talk down the other partner , communicate well etc

What has helped helps with 3 teens is living close to one and another so kids can move between houses independently , get stuff they have forgotten etc. I live in a city so this was relatively easy to set up. Having everything they need at each house helps too. They appreciate having a clear and set routine, with a bit of flexibility when needed. They spend a week in each household to minimize moving around as this works for them.

i found adjusting to the kids not being there very upsetting to begin with. I was supported by friends, some of whom had been through similar. I kept myself busy, got into long forgotten hobbies, worked on my own well being, all the obvious stuff etc. After about 3 months I slowly changed my mo set and began to really value that time. I am 3 years in, still miss the kids and would rather see them 100%, but we communicate well, they drop in and out, they are all teens and independent in their social lives and spend loads of time in their rooms anyway…I feel SO much happier and confident and fulfilled, not lonely at all, I am really content single and I have a great sex life with myself and a FWB sometimes. I am a much better parent as all the resentment about feeling lonely and unappreciated is gone and I am calm and happy. It’s a revelation and I would never go back! And most importantly my kids are loved by two parents and seem happy. Kids are resilient and having parents who love them and stability is the the main thing whether those parents are together or not.

good luck OP- it’s not an easy choice. Life is short and your needs matter too.