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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think about ending a sexless marriage

151 replies

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 20:14

NC for obvious reasons 🥴. After some opinions/ideas that I might not have considered. Long post as want to give all info without drip feeding!

Background: I’ve been married 26 years, I’ve just hit 50, have 4 children, youngest of whom is 13.

Since our youngest was born, our sex life has been really bad, averaging twice a year. Last 5 years, maybe 3 times in total. He rarely sleeps in our bed as he’s an insomniac, so that doesn’t help. When we do have sex, he has a type of ED which means he takes ages to finish.

My DH is just not interested in sex. He never instigates and when I do (mainly for connection), I have a 99% chance of getting rejected.

I’ve suggested counselling, I’ve asked him to go to GP (about his sleep and lack of libido), I’ve asked him to get a blood test thinking maybe testosterone levels are off. He won’t do anything about it as he says he’s happy as he is.

We get on well, but we’re pretty much living as roommates. I miss sex! He’s not affectionate at all, so no hugs, kissing, handholding etc either.

But the family unit is happy and comfortable, kids are happy, we have a lovely life. Do I blow that up because of a lack of sex/physical affection? Do I just hang on in there for 5 years until they’re all adults? I think that would be my absolute maximum, but then that’s 10 years of no sex/affection from him and I’m feeling resentful already.

Not sure if relevant, but I haven’t really changed physically since we’ve been together. Obviously I’ve had kids so everything isn’t quite where I left it 25 years ago, but I’m the same weight as I was. So it’s not that I’ve changed physically.

Also, I don’t think it’s porn, excess masturbation or an affair. He works from home and has zero social life unless I drag him out.

YABU - you’ve managed 5 sexless years and 8 virtually sexless ones, you can manage 5 more. Don’t blow up your family life for sex/affection.

YANBU - Life is short and a dead bedroom is a depressing deal breaker.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 02/08/2025 06:55

FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:37

In general, he’s a kind and gentle man. He shows affection in practical ways, like he’ll go and defrost my car when it’s icy for instance.
I would say we’re content, it’s not like I’m miserable. We’re like friendly roommates I guess.
He does his fair share of chores and child related stuff.

Show quote history

You have said this about how your DH is with your kids:

'He’s the same with the kids, will tolerate affection but not offer it.'

Has he always been like that with your children, even when they were babies and small children? Does it bother your kids that he isn't spontaneously affectionate with them? It makes him sounds quite cold.

Do you think he is too embarrassed to seek professional help from a GP or therapist or is he just happy with the way things are and isn't actually bothered that you are feel upset and rejected?

Empress13 · 02/08/2025 06:58

He might be embarrassed because of EF. You need to sit down and talk it through. He sounds lovely and I for one would certainly not break the family dynamics. You could end up single and very lonely

OCDandUS · 02/08/2025 07:14

I am wondering about neurodiversity - the insomnia, lack of seeking physical affection, etc.

I also wonder if it’s really the lack of emotional intimacy rather than just sex - I’m sure sex would be nice but it’s the lack of emotional intimacy that makes you feel lonely?

I think if he is neurodiverse you might find he is not keen on being touched or touching - sex might overwhelm his senses hence him having trouble finishing.

So he might agree to you having an open marriage - he might prefer it. Might take the pressure off him but he gets to keep his family together.

Also - there is another option. When my friend and her husband broke up they reorganised their house - she had the top floor, he had the basement (with a kitchenette) and the kids had the middle level where the kitchen was. It worked so well that her ex hubby agreed a few years later her boyfriend could move in and they became a very blended family.

often when people break up there is a lot of heart ache so living together or near each other is not ideal. But it sounds like you are already good friends - it’s just not working romantically. Can you think of a new living arrangement that allows you to still be a close family but you two have separate spaces? I mean it sounds like you don’t really share a bed often the kids are unlikely to be surprised if he maybe moves to a different room permanently.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 02/08/2025 07:26

YANBU. Frankly I don’t understand the concept of staying in a marriage just because “everything else” is good. That’s a friendship. In which case, I’d rather be single and, well, have friends.

curious79 · 02/08/2025 07:55

My DH (2nd marriage) has ED but we still kiss and have long hugs and cuddle in front of the TV. You’re being starved of very natural and easy to give human warmth

When I left my first marriage it was a huge relief. I realised how lonely I had felt

in your instance, I might consider waiting for the 13 yr old to get through GCSEs. Then there are fewer children to be housed! You can take time that way to think through practicalities like where you might live and how etc

Seaside3 · 02/08/2025 08:13

Leave.
I cant believe so many women are saying to stay because the dating scene is bad. Wtf.
You have tried to discuss this and asked him to address the issue, and he hasn't. To me, that demonstrates your happiness is not a priority to him. If he was getting help for this and his insomnia, and at least attempting to be a partner, then fair enough. But he isnt.
Your demonstrating a marriage devoid of affection to your children, and that your happiness doesnt matter. It does. Do you do anything together?
Personally, sex and intimacy are hugely important, I couldn't stay with someone who wouldn't even hugely me. I'd rather no one, than living with a room mate.

Starseeking · 02/08/2025 08:15

If he would go for counselling I would do that first. If not, I’d wait the 5 years for youngest to get to 18 and then split amicably.

butimamonstersaidthemonster · 02/08/2025 08:20

C95 · 01/08/2025 23:51

What a sad sad thread. These women suggesting you stay, as half a life is better than the unknown.

You're thinking of missing 5 years of happiness to stay in this shell of a marriage.

Don't worry too much about the kids I'm sure they'll be fine if you split up. Probably most of their mates are from single parent households.

And I can completely understand how lonely and unloved you must feel. I'd probably shrivel up and die inside if I was you.

I've been single over 6 years, and yes the dating scene is dire, but once you separate the wheat from the chaff there are some good men out there. I just haven't found the one right for me.

However I do get sex (if I want it), cuddles and affection, if I go looking.

I have an amazing social life friend and family but I do miss a cuddle and being adored. But I'd rather be lonely alone than lonely with someone who's suppose to love me.

And please ignore all those saying to wait until menopause as you'll lose your sex drive. NOT all women do. I definitely didn't!!

I feel your pain in your posts OP, I hope you work something out.

No. It’s about putting the kids first. Divorce is bad for kids. It just is. And if life is fine apart from this then why blow up the kids lives?

OpenThatWindow · 02/08/2025 08:22

My friend has a sex less marriage and is happy BUT there is lots of intimacy, hugs, hand holding, connection- she says it works for them.

So I think it's not the lack of sex but the 1) lack on connection 2) the fact he's not listening to you

Has he always been this cold?

Hankunamatata · 02/08/2025 08:27

Would he do an at home blood test? You can order a general screen privately and just finger prick, send it off and they emial results. You could both do one as a general health check.

Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 08:57

sesquipedalian · 02/08/2025 06:02

OP, does your DH avoid affection because he’s afraid it’s going to lead to sex? I’m sure it must all be bound up with his ED, but if he won’t talk about it or seek help, it’s hard to know. Maybe if you said to him explicitly that you can live without sex, but you can’t live without affection, he’d realise the two are separate things? You say, “I’m not necessarily worried about finding another relationship.
I don’t think I’d marry or even live with someone again” - so why would you be thinking of leaving? All those who glibly say that children are resilient and it won’t matter have no idea how it will actually work in your relationship for your children. I divorced my abusive ex; I have been with my current husband for over twenty years - but while my children accept him, I’m left in no doubt that he isn’t their father and that he is tolerated rather than anything else. I find it hugely difficult: he’s kind to them, pays for things for them, is unstinting with lifts etc, but they just don’t like spending time with him as they would if he were their father. So be warned: while some people can divorce and then all live happily ever after with or without a new partner, there’s no guarantee. My sister is divorced and on her own, and she will admit to being lonely - you may feel lonely in a sexless marriage, but you have your husband and children around you. Once the DC leave home, you will be on your own unless you find a new partner, and if you are used to family life, it can be very lonely - it’s easy to underestimate the companionship of simply having someone else in the house, to talk to or discuss things with, or just share the minutiae of everyday life. And don’t dismiss a shared past, which is what you lose when you divorce - no-one else will ever care about your DC in the way that their own father does.

He’s never been very affectionate, but I think because I am, I didn’t notice that I was the one always instigating. I don’t just mean sex, but hugging etc too.
A few months back, I deliberately didn’t. Thought it would be interesting to see how long he’d go without touching me… after a month, he hadn’t. At all. Not a handhold, not a hug.
If I left, I’d have to be happy that I could be on my own. I wouldn’t leave to find someone else for a serious relationship, although I’d be open to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 09:01

beAsensible1 · 02/08/2025 06:16

I don’t think you should
put up with a sexless marriage and a partner who is unwilling to do anything about it.

wanting and having a fulfilling sex life is very normal and healthy. And the constant effort on here to pretend that it isn’t is quite toxic. We are trying to talk women out of their sex drives and being sexual beings.

yes men are dire on the dating scene but being rejected for intimacy by the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with isn’t much better. Nor the number it does to your self esteem.

My self esteem took a hit definitely.. to start with I thought it was the baby weight after having 4th baby, but I lost it within 6 months.
Then I thought it was tiredness of having 4 children. But it’s still the same.
I wasn’t begging for sex, but every few weeks, I’d initiate and he’d always be too tired or his back would be sore or it was too hot etc etc
Constant rejection isn’t nice

OP posts:
Mintpie · 02/08/2025 09:07

Can’t you just have a discreet affair? Lots of people do and it scratches their itch. Keep it at distance and set really strong ground rules and take it from there.

Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 09:08

thepariscrimefiles · 02/08/2025 06:55

You have said this about how your DH is with your kids:

'He’s the same with the kids, will tolerate affection but not offer it.'

Has he always been like that with your children, even when they were babies and small children? Does it bother your kids that he isn't spontaneously affectionate with them? It makes him sounds quite cold.

Do you think he is too embarrassed to seek professional help from a GP or therapist or is he just happy with the way things are and isn't actually bothered that you are feel upset and rejected?

Show quote history

He’d always hold them if he needed to ie if a toddler ran up crying he’d give them a hug to calm them. But he’s never instigated.
If one of my kids comes within arms reach, I’ll give them a hug (not constantly, but a few times a day). I’ll hug hello and goodbye etc. If I’m watching a film with kids, we’ll snuggle up.
DH doesn’t do any of that.
I went away over half term with our two youngest (older two work) and when we got home, he got up to say hello but didn’t hug any of us. We chatted about our week and DD went to give him a hug, he reciprocated for a couple of seconds and then backed off. He wouldn’t have instigated and didn’t go to hug DS or myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 09:12

OCDandUS · 02/08/2025 07:14

I am wondering about neurodiversity - the insomnia, lack of seeking physical affection, etc.

I also wonder if it’s really the lack of emotional intimacy rather than just sex - I’m sure sex would be nice but it’s the lack of emotional intimacy that makes you feel lonely?

I think if he is neurodiverse you might find he is not keen on being touched or touching - sex might overwhelm his senses hence him having trouble finishing.

So he might agree to you having an open marriage - he might prefer it. Might take the pressure off him but he gets to keep his family together.

Also - there is another option. When my friend and her husband broke up they reorganised their house - she had the top floor, he had the basement (with a kitchenette) and the kids had the middle level where the kitchen was. It worked so well that her ex hubby agreed a few years later her boyfriend could move in and they became a very blended family.

often when people break up there is a lot of heart ache so living together or near each other is not ideal. But it sounds like you are already good friends - it’s just not working romantically. Can you think of a new living arrangement that allows you to still be a close family but you two have separate spaces? I mean it sounds like you don’t really share a bed often the kids are unlikely to be surprised if he maybe moves to a different room permanently.

I have wondered this, I wonder if he masked well until our family was complete and now he’s not.
I actually think an open marriage could suit us, I just think because of infidelity in his parents marriage he’d be opposed. But I think I’m getting to the point of suggesting it as a last resort.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 09:14

curious79 · 02/08/2025 07:55

My DH (2nd marriage) has ED but we still kiss and have long hugs and cuddle in front of the TV. You’re being starved of very natural and easy to give human warmth

When I left my first marriage it was a huge relief. I realised how lonely I had felt

in your instance, I might consider waiting for the 13 yr old to get through GCSEs. Then there are fewer children to be housed! You can take time that way to think through practicalities like where you might live and how etc

Yes, that would be 3 years rather than 5. Like you say, time to sort out practicalities. Kids would be 24, 22, 19 and 16 by then.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 09:16

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 02/08/2025 08:11

Interesting article, thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 09:18

Seaside3 · 02/08/2025 08:13

Leave.
I cant believe so many women are saying to stay because the dating scene is bad. Wtf.
You have tried to discuss this and asked him to address the issue, and he hasn't. To me, that demonstrates your happiness is not a priority to him. If he was getting help for this and his insomnia, and at least attempting to be a partner, then fair enough. But he isnt.
Your demonstrating a marriage devoid of affection to your children, and that your happiness doesnt matter. It does. Do you do anything together?
Personally, sex and intimacy are hugely important, I couldn't stay with someone who wouldn't even hugely me. I'd rather no one, than living with a room mate.

We do loads as a family. As a couple, not so much. If I organise a date night, he’ll go, but he wouldn’t plan one.
We tend to go out with friends separately, I do this at least weekly, he probably goes out once a month with his.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 09:19

Starseeking · 02/08/2025 08:15

If he would go for counselling I would do that first. If not, I’d wait the 5 years for youngest to get to 18 and then split amicably.

He won’t try counselling, I’ve suggested several times.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 09:20

Hankunamatata · 02/08/2025 08:27

Would he do an at home blood test? You can order a general screen privately and just finger prick, send it off and they emial results. You could both do one as a general health check.

Strangely enough, I was looking at these just last week. I sent him the link and he said he’d look into it. He hasn’t so far, will suggest again.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 09:21

OpenThatWindow · 02/08/2025 08:22

My friend has a sex less marriage and is happy BUT there is lots of intimacy, hugs, hand holding, connection- she says it works for them.

So I think it's not the lack of sex but the 1) lack on connection 2) the fact he's not listening to you

Has he always been this cold?

He’s never been overly tactile, but he’s definitely got worse over the last 10 years.

OP posts:
MsDDxx · 02/08/2025 09:23

simsbustinoutmimi · 02/08/2025 00:27

Some people do though and you cannot force your husband to have sex with you

i can imagine the responses if a husband was moaning his wife wouldn’t have sex with him. I don’t think people would be suggesting open relationships then

Show quote history

They would and they do; I have seen it myself. Yes, on here!

Seaside3 · 02/08/2025 09:40

Personally, I wouldn't wait until the youngest is doing gcses. Then you will put it off because a levels. Then there will always be another reason. Grandchildren, elderly parents, ailing dog...
I suspect your children are already aware that you're unhappy. It's very unlikely to be a shock if you separated. He's already in a separate room.
You can remain friends, if that's what you are. Frankly it doesn't sound like you are, but only you will know.
It strikes me that the saying "being lonely and alone are not.rhe same thing" applies here.

PickleJelly · 02/08/2025 09:51

I do think some posters are missing the point and OP isn't trying to force her husband to have sex with her.
Her husband has solely decided that he is content with not having sex ever again. It's okay for the OP for not to be happy about that ( I would say the same thing if the OP was male or female).
Her husband has made that decision and that's fine for him, but he has to understand that it may then have a consequence and it's perfectly acceptable for the OP to voice that.

I would sit him down and have a final conversation and say that whilst he is happy and content with a sexless marriage, you are not and can't/won't do it for the rest of your life. So there are a few options:

  1. Husband goes to the doctor/therapist to get help (if he actually wants to fix the problem). But the lip service of saying he will and then doesn't has to stop as it's unfair on everyone.
  2. Start a trial separation and progress to divorce.
  3. Trial an open marriage.

I am sorry you are in this situation OP, you aren't selfish for wanting an intimate marriage. I do think you need to have a really frank conversation that discusses options 2 &3 so he can truly understand that you can't do this for the rest of your life.
Best of luck xx