To think about ending a sexless marriage

[FrustratedOldLady]

NC for obvious reasons 🥴. After some opinions/ideas that I might not have considered. Long post as want to give all info without drip feeding!

Background: I’ve been married 26 years, I’ve just hit 50, have 4 children, youngest of whom is 13.

Since our youngest was born, our sex life has been really bad, averaging twice a year. Last 5 years, maybe 3 times in total. He rarely sleeps in our bed as he’s an insomniac, so that doesn’t help. When we do have sex, he has a type of ED which means he takes ages to finish.

My DH is just not interested in sex. He never instigates and when I do (mainly for connection), I have a 99% chance of getting rejected.

I’ve suggested counselling, I’ve asked him to go to GP (about his sleep and lack of libido), I’ve asked him to get a blood test thinking maybe testosterone levels are off. He won’t do anything about it as he says he’s happy as he is.

We get on well, but we’re pretty much living as roommates. I miss sex! He’s not affectionate at all, so no hugs, kissing, handholding etc either.

But the family unit is happy and comfortable, kids are happy, we have a lovely life. Do I blow that up because of a lack of sex/physical affection? Do I just hang on in there for 5 years until they’re all adults? I think that would be my absolute maximum, but then that’s 10 years of no sex/affection from him and I’m feeling resentful already.

Not sure if relevant, but I haven’t really changed physically since we’ve been together. Obviously I’ve had kids so everything isn’t quite where I left it 25 years ago, but I’m the same weight as I was. So it’s not that I’ve changed physically.

Also, I don’t think it’s porn, excess masturbation or an affair. He works from home and has zero social life unless I drag him out.

YABU - you’ve managed 5 sexless years and 8 virtually sexless ones, you can manage 5 more. Don’t blow up your family life for sex/affection.

YANBU - Life is short and a dead bedroom is a depressing deal breaker.

I genuinely don’t think it’s a porn thing, although you can never be 100% sure

OP the other thing that struck me is that you have clearly communicated what is important to you in your relationship and your husband has not considered your needs or the impacts of his behaviour on you and has done nothing to work towards change. This is incredibly selfish… to not even explore the options of getting support to change for the better for BOTH of you. Your wellbeing is important too, and in a relationship it is so important to work together to meet each others needs and lift each other up or come to agreed compromises where both parties are happy.

I am just editing this post and adding that this, in no way, means that your DH should change to increase his libido or do things that make him uncomfortable, I mean work towards a solution that means your needs are considered and met too, this could be separation, FWB, counseling etc.

yeah, everyone can’t lose their sex drive at 50 can they? That would be sad. I’m 50, not 80.
I think at the moment I feel I either stay as I am or end the marriage, nothing in between.
At least if you’re single, you have options? I’m not afraid of being single, it can’t be more lonely than being in an affectionless marriage.. but I can’t know for sure

Yes and once you see it, you can’t unsee it 🥴

Some people do though and you cannot force your husband to have sex with you

i can imagine the responses if a husband was moaning his wife wouldn’t have sex with him. I don’t think people would be suggesting open relationships then

That’s the dilemma… I’m 13 years in… can I do another 5? Probably.

I absolutely would. Living in an affectionless and sexless marriage is soul destroying for anyone, regardless of gender, if they still have those needs.

I told my exh that he had my blessing to seek sex and intimacy outside our marriage as I could see how unhappy it was making him and I cared about his wellbeing. He couldn't bring himself to do that so we went our separate ways.

I return to this question, OP. If you do not know his reaction to fwb, you have evidently not raised it with him. If he does not realise this is on your mind, does he realise separation or divorce is too? Does he realise you are in deal-breaker territory? How much full clarity was in your conversations with him, difficult though they will have been?

I think you do a trail separation but still live in the same house and coparent (no need to even tell the kids at this stage tbh) but just agree that you're both single and allowed to date people and you're just living as friends and coparents. Have set weeks or set nights that one of you is in charge of kids and dinner and driving them about and the other one is allowed out or to the gym etc.
then start dating and see if the grass is greener?

This is rubbish. I am a kid who grew up in this situation, and they know, trust me- even if they don’t say anything.

Co habiting with your ex partner and dating other people while you still live with your kids is a recipe for disaster

your kids likely know things aren’t great between you anyway

I think people’s attention span and boredom threshold is shorter and the only long term marriages I’ve known really work have either had pots of money to distract them and a lot to lose , or very little money so people stay through limited options- I’ve known far fewer ‘ in the middle ‘ work well beyond 25 years at best

It's up to you to decide if it's a dealbreaker or not, and if it is, there's no shame in calling it quits. It sounds awfully grim to me. No affection even? The lack of sex would probably be more tolerable if he was at least loving towards you. As he is not, what you have is not a marriage, it's a lifestyle arrangement.
As PP have said, the other option is to ask for different arrangement where you are allowed to have lovers. It can't hurt to ask. I would suggest you try that and if he says no, you have a decision to make. If you decide you can't live with no affection and no sex, you could inform him that you consider his lack of affection and refusal to address marital and sexual problems as breaking his vow to love, honour and cherish you. Therefore, you feel you are not beholden to your vow of fidelity either. See what he says to that. Inform him that he can either accept you having lovers or get a divorce. If he still won't accept it, proceed to divorce. Just don't cheat on the sly. Be honest and honourable.

I think that if she was to be honest with the kids about it the damage would be minimal. Being lied to by your parents hurts. It also hurts to know your parents don't have a loving marriage, but they must know that already. The father is not affectionate towards them either and they have surely noticed their parents don't kiss or cuddle.

My response if it was a wife who had no sex drive, but worse, was not even affectionate, would be exactly the same. That's not a proper life partner. I think many people can live with sex, because they can masturbate, but they can't give themselves demonstrations of love. That has to come from the partner.

@simsbustinoutmimi don't loads of ex couples do 'nesting?' And don't loads of couples still live together for a period after they break up until house is sold? Surely that's better than forcing kids into 5050 between two homes etc.

Do you mean that you knew your parents were out dating? Or you just knew they had broken up?

I'm going out on a limb here, but has he ever had his prolactin checked?

God, sorry, that is not what I meant. I'm sorry it came across that way. I meant a newpartner / relationship. I wasn't suggesting you would bring random men back just for sex.

Why would he have to finish? I think if he has ED that’s probably putting him off, can you not just play around together? I find that more fun than standard sex anyway.

This is not just about sex. Physical affection is very important as well. Are you loved and cherished by your partner in other ways? And most importantly do you feel happy?
When we become parents it seems that we (women) are expected to give up our own happiness to ensure others are happy. But this isn't right, your relationship with your partner is your children's blueprint for their future relationships, what are you teaching them? Would you want your daughter to stay in an unhappy relationship like this?
Your DC will be fine if you handle the separation in a civilised way and will be happier if they have a happy mum

I never understand the whole thing of "divorce destroys children".
My parents were divorced, I didnt care.
I dont know anyone who's parents are still together, again they're not bothered at all.
There's more to teach kids than to stay in unhappy marriages.

I’m very tactile and need physical affection.

Book yourself a weekly massage then.

Book an escort and a hotel room for the rest, if need be, I suppose.

This fantasy that you will end the marriage and find someone sane, solvent, and of suitable age, who is into you and will provide all that is lacking in your marriage currently is just that. Most men in their fifties are after someone (much) younger. The pool of 'decent' and 'available' men in their fifties is a small and shallow pool, full of alcoholics with ED, anyway.