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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think about ending a sexless marriage

151 replies

FrustratedOldLady · 01/08/2025 20:14

NC for obvious reasons 🥴. After some opinions/ideas that I might not have considered. Long post as want to give all info without drip feeding!

Background: I’ve been married 26 years, I’ve just hit 50, have 4 children, youngest of whom is 13.

Since our youngest was born, our sex life has been really bad, averaging twice a year. Last 5 years, maybe 3 times in total. He rarely sleeps in our bed as he’s an insomniac, so that doesn’t help. When we do have sex, he has a type of ED which means he takes ages to finish.

My DH is just not interested in sex. He never instigates and when I do (mainly for connection), I have a 99% chance of getting rejected.

I’ve suggested counselling, I’ve asked him to go to GP (about his sleep and lack of libido), I’ve asked him to get a blood test thinking maybe testosterone levels are off. He won’t do anything about it as he says he’s happy as he is.

We get on well, but we’re pretty much living as roommates. I miss sex! He’s not affectionate at all, so no hugs, kissing, handholding etc either.

But the family unit is happy and comfortable, kids are happy, we have a lovely life. Do I blow that up because of a lack of sex/physical affection? Do I just hang on in there for 5 years until they’re all adults? I think that would be my absolute maximum, but then that’s 10 years of no sex/affection from him and I’m feeling resentful already.

Not sure if relevant, but I haven’t really changed physically since we’ve been together. Obviously I’ve had kids so everything isn’t quite where I left it 25 years ago, but I’m the same weight as I was. So it’s not that I’ve changed physically.

Also, I don’t think it’s porn, excess masturbation or an affair. He works from home and has zero social life unless I drag him out.

YABU - you’ve managed 5 sexless years and 8 virtually sexless ones, you can manage 5 more. Don’t blow up your family life for sex/affection.

YANBU - Life is short and a dead bedroom is a depressing deal breaker.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 04:54

I have told him everything that I’ve said here. I’ve said I’m not happy with the lack of affection and sex, he says that’s just how he is.
I wouldn’t write that stuff in a letter, he’d probably leave it lying around and Infont need the kids seeing it 🥴

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 04:58

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/08/2025 23:54

If you take the pressure for sex off the table completely, he might be more affectionate.
I know when I lost my sex drive I avoided cuddles and hugs, once we talked about it, I was more affectionate.

Would he be okay with you having sex with another man?

I tried that, went months without even mentioning it, made no difference to level of affection shown.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:00

BrickBiscuit · 02/08/2025 00:01

If you don't know how he'd react to open marriage/fwb, I don't think you can have had a full and frank conversation. If you had, you would have covered this and know his reaction. Does he fully realise you are up against a deal-breaker (if not now, in five years)?

Show quote history

It’s quite a big thing to openly say, if it doesn’t change I’ll be looking outside the marriage.
I have had many conversations with him about how the lack of affection and sex are affecting me though. But no, I haven’t given him an ultimatum yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:06

hkz · 02/08/2025 00:03

@FrustratedOldLady Just to give you another perspective as 50/50 with the kids is not always awful.

I divorced with 3 teens after a long marriage (different context for ending, but also felt incredibly lonely and my kids had a secure and stable life). IF you can divorce amicably, and put the children first, be respectful to each other and agree on a plan that works for the children’s best needs and for you both; 50/50 can work well. All the obvious stuff like, Never put the kids in the middle or talk down the other partner , communicate well etc

What has helped helps with 3 teens is living close to one and another so kids can move between houses independently , get stuff they have forgotten etc. I live in a city so this was relatively easy to set up. Having everything they need at each house helps too. They appreciate having a clear and set routine, with a bit of flexibility when needed. They spend a week in each household to minimize moving around as this works for them.

i found adjusting to the kids not being there very upsetting to begin with. I was supported by friends, some of whom had been through similar. I kept myself busy, got into long forgotten hobbies, worked on my own well being, all the obvious stuff etc. After about 3 months I slowly changed my mo set and began to really value that time. I am 3 years in, still miss the kids and would rather see them 100%, but we communicate well, they drop in and out, they are all teens and independent in their social lives and spend loads of time in their rooms anyway…I feel SO much happier and confident and fulfilled, not lonely at all, I am really content single and I have a great sex life with myself and a FWB sometimes. I am a much better parent as all the resentment about feeling lonely and unappreciated is gone and I am calm and happy. It’s a revelation and I would never go back! And most importantly my kids are loved by two parents and seem happy. Kids are resilient and having parents who love them and stability is the the main thing whether those parents are together or not.

good luck OP- it’s not an easy choice. Life is short and your needs matter too.

Thank you, this is reassuring to hear.
I worry that if were to separate, we’d have to sell our house (neither of us could buy the other out, there’s too much equity).
We’d probably end up with 2 x 3 beds and then the kids might end up living separately to each other rather than sharing rooms. 2 of them are young adults now and they might feel they have to move out instead. Who knows though, I’m just speculating.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:09

hkz · 02/08/2025 00:24

OP the other thing that struck me is that you have clearly communicated what is important to you in your relationship and your husband has not considered your needs or the impacts of his behaviour on you and has done nothing to work towards change. This is incredibly selfish… to not even explore the options of getting support to change for the better for BOTH of you. Your wellbeing is important too, and in a relationship it is so important to work together to meet each others needs and lift each other up or come to agreed compromises where both parties are happy.

I am just editing this post and adding that this, in no way, means that your DH should change to increase his libido or do things that make him uncomfortable, I mean work towards a solution that means your needs are considered and met too, this could be separation, FWB, counseling etc.

Edited

If he’d tried to look into his lack of libido/sleep by going to GP, it would help. I feel resentful that because he’s ok with it, that he expects me to be too. Likewise if he tried counselling (I feel he’d be able to ignore what I’m saying or may have to tell me if there is a deeper issue).

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:15

simsbustinoutmimi · 02/08/2025 00:27

Some people do though and you cannot force your husband to have sex with you

i can imagine the responses if a husband was moaning his wife wouldn’t have sex with him. I don’t think people would be suggesting open relationships then

Show quote history

I’m not trying to force him, but I’ve been asking him to look into potential reasons behind it. I feel like it’s quite unusual for a man to not really want sex for 13 years (since he was 40) and I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to expect him to check with a doctor or discuss it with a counsellor. Could it be testosterone levels, for instance?
I would expect people to think it was odd for either gender to not have sex for so long and expect their partner to just put up with it.

OP posts:
BrickBiscuit · 02/08/2025 05:15

FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:00

It’s quite a big thing to openly say, if it doesn’t change I’ll be looking outside the marriage.
I have had many conversations with him about how the lack of affection and sex are affecting me though. But no, I haven’t given him an ultimatum yet.

Show quote history

Perhaps this means he does not know the true extent to which you are affected, or the urgency of the need to address it. Openly saying the big thing(s) may be what’s needed to have the full and frank conversation this requires.

Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:20

BrickBiscuit · 02/08/2025 00:49

I return to this question, OP. If you do not know his reaction to fwb, you have evidently not raised it with him. If he does not realise this is on your mind, does he realise separation or divorce is too? Does he realise you are in deal-breaker territory? How much full clarity was in your conversations with him, difficult though they will have been?

Show quote history

I haven’t gone as far as telling him that so far, mainly because it sounds pretty blackmail-y to say if he doesn’t start having sex, I’ll go get it elsewhere.
I’d need to be 100% sure if his reaction was negative that I would be ok with divorcing.
As a child of divorce caused by infidelity, I’m pretty sure he’d see a fwb situation as cheating.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:23

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/08/2025 00:53

I think you do a trail separation but still live in the same house and coparent (no need to even tell the kids at this stage tbh) but just agree that you're both single and allowed to date people and you're just living as friends and coparents. Have set weeks or set nights that one of you is in charge of kids and dinner and driving them about and the other one is allowed out or to the gym etc.
then start dating and see if the grass is greener?

Yes, I would go down this route initially if I decided to leave.
To be honest, I don’t think the kids would notice any difference, we already have separate rooms.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:25

MuckFusk · 02/08/2025 01:11

It's up to you to decide if it's a dealbreaker or not, and if it is, there's no shame in calling it quits. It sounds awfully grim to me. No affection even? The lack of sex would probably be more tolerable if he was at least loving towards you. As he is not, what you have is not a marriage, it's a lifestyle arrangement.
As PP have said, the other option is to ask for different arrangement where you are allowed to have lovers. It can't hurt to ask. I would suggest you try that and if he says no, you have a decision to make. If you decide you can't live with no affection and no sex, you could inform him that you consider his lack of affection and refusal to address marital and sexual problems as breaking his vow to love, honour and cherish you. Therefore, you feel you are not beholden to your vow of fidelity either. See what he says to that. Inform him that he can either accept you having lovers or get a divorce. If he still won't accept it, proceed to divorce. Just don't cheat on the sly. Be honest and honourable.

Thank you, food for thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:28

OneNeatBlueOrca · 02/08/2025 01:51

I'm going out on a limb here, but has he ever had his prolactin checked?

He’s had nothing checked, never been to GP to investigate any of his libido or sleep issues

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:31

Miyagi99 · 02/08/2025 01:58

Why would he have to finish? I think if he has ED that’s probably putting him off, can you not just play around together? I find that more fun than standard sex anyway.

He’s not interested in anything sexual at all. If I go to hug him, he’ll hug back for a few seconds at most.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:33

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Ha, I did wonder. Don’t think DH has told me a single fantasy in 26 years 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:37

AfternoonNapFan · 02/08/2025 02:21

This is not just about sex. Physical affection is very important as well. Are you loved and cherished by your partner in other ways? And most importantly do you feel happy?
When we become parents it seems that we (women) are expected to give up our own happiness to ensure others are happy. But this isn't right, your relationship with your partner is your children's blueprint for their future relationships, what are you teaching them? Would you want your daughter to stay in an unhappy relationship like this?
Your DC will be fine if you handle the separation in a civilised way and will be happier if they have a happy mum

In general, he’s a kind and gentle man. He shows affection in practical ways, like he’ll go and defrost my car when it’s icy for instance.
I would say we’re content, it’s not like I’m miserable. We’re like friendly roommates I guess.
He does his fair share of chores and child related stuff.

OP posts:
BrickBiscuit · 02/08/2025 05:37

FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:20

I haven’t gone as far as telling him that so far, mainly because it sounds pretty blackmail-y to say if he doesn’t start having sex, I’ll go get it elsewhere.
I’d need to be 100% sure if his reaction was negative that I would be ok with divorcing.
As a child of divorce caused by infidelity, I’m pretty sure he’d see a fwb situation as cheating.

Show quote history

Threatening to do it if he doesn’t comply, and saying you’ve felt so desperate you’ve considered it as an option (but rejected it as unethical) are two different ways of broaching it.

Original poster
FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:40

BrickBiscuit · 02/08/2025 05:37

Threatening to do it if he doesn’t comply, and saying you’ve felt so desperate you’ve considered it as an option (but rejected it as unethical) are two different ways of broaching it.

Show quote history

Yes, true. I might need to be more blunt.

OP posts:
BrickBiscuit · 02/08/2025 05:48

FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:40

Yes, true. I might need to be more blunt.

Show quote history

Good luck. Feel for you.

sesquipedalian · 02/08/2025 06:02

OP, does your DH avoid affection because he’s afraid it’s going to lead to sex? I’m sure it must all be bound up with his ED, but if he won’t talk about it or seek help, it’s hard to know. Maybe if you said to him explicitly that you can live without sex, but you can’t live without affection, he’d realise the two are separate things? You say, “I’m not necessarily worried about finding another relationship.
I don’t think I’d marry or even live with someone again” - so why would you be thinking of leaving? All those who glibly say that children are resilient and it won’t matter have no idea how it will actually work in your relationship for your children. I divorced my abusive ex; I have been with my current husband for over twenty years - but while my children accept him, I’m left in no doubt that he isn’t their father and that he is tolerated rather than anything else. I find it hugely difficult: he’s kind to them, pays for things for them, is unstinting with lifts etc, but they just don’t like spending time with him as they would if he were their father. So be warned: while some people can divorce and then all live happily ever after with or without a new partner, there’s no guarantee. My sister is divorced and on her own, and she will admit to being lonely - you may feel lonely in a sexless marriage, but you have your husband and children around you. Once the DC leave home, you will be on your own unless you find a new partner, and if you are used to family life, it can be very lonely - it’s easy to underestimate the companionship of simply having someone else in the house, to talk to or discuss things with, or just share the minutiae of everyday life. And don’t dismiss a shared past, which is what you lose when you divorce - no-one else will ever care about your DC in the way that their own father does.

whoamI00 · 02/08/2025 06:15

There’s nothing wrong with not having a libido but having different expectations between spouses can be an issue.

beAsensible1 · 02/08/2025 06:16

I don’t think you should
put up with a sexless marriage and a partner who is unwilling to do anything about it.

wanting and having a fulfilling sex life is very normal and healthy. And the constant effort on here to pretend that it isn’t is quite toxic. We are trying to talk women out of their sex drives and being sexual beings.

yes men are dire on the dating scene but being rejected for intimacy by the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with isn’t much better. Nor the number it does to your self esteem.

parietal · 02/08/2025 06:26

if you do split up, have you considered “nesting” as a way to keep the family home. You agree that A lives in the family home 3 nights per week ( and with friend or sibling or tiny flat or new lover for the other nights) and B lives in the family home for the other nights (and with sibling or new lover outside the home). That way the kids keep their home and bedrooms and stability and only the adults move locations. It has worked for some couples I know.

BuckChuckets · 02/08/2025 06:33

He doesn't care how you feel. So add that to the very valid reason(s) you have to leave.

begone25 · 02/08/2025 06:35

How did he used to show affection? As others have said, it sounds like he feels any affection becomes with pressure to lead to sex. In my mind affection has zero to do with libido/sex. Yes there might be medical reasons as to why he has ED and low libido, but it also sounds like there’s pressure there to perform. Can you work on the connection that you crave in other ways?

WaltzingWaters · 02/08/2025 06:37

I would leave. He’s not even showing any affection through cuddles, kisses, general closeness let alone sex. And has no intention of getting help to see if he can change his lack of libido even when you’ve voiced many times how much it means to you. He’s clearly only thinking about himself and has put no effort into saving his marriage/making his wife happy.

BuckChuckets · 02/08/2025 06:38

FrustratedOldLady · 02/08/2025 05:40

Yes, true. I might need to be more blunt.

Show quote history

You saying you're not happy without affection and intimacy so you need to decide what you want to do about it (not him), is the truth, and not putting it on him or blackmailing him. You know he's not going to change, so suggesting you get it outside of the marriage isn't you pressuring him to change his behaviour.

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