To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

There is a significant chance he'll miss the birth....

Even if he's willing to return from ibiza should op go into labour, there is a massive chance he won't be able to get back in time.

I suspect I'm in the minority here

Ya think?

2 37 weekers and 1 38 here. It’s too close

And to hell with OP's health and safety and need for help and support?
And what does it matter if he misses the birth? After all it's only his child entering the world for the first time.
I mean a man's entitlement to party and behave like a single man trumps his family responsibilities every time doesn't it?

That's the natural order of things after all.

Just wanted to say I’m so sorry. I had my DS at 37+1 so there is no “it’s your first they are always late”. Tbh the whole situ is vile and I would be telling him I’m embarrassed for him. If he does fuck off on a stag please make sure that you tell everyone what a shitty human he is.

I was about the most relaxed person I know about pregnancy. I had zero issues, felt great and worked and drove until 2 days before my due date.

If my partner had even thought about doing something as selfish as this I would have let him go without a word and he would have had divorce papers waiting on his return.

He has just shown you so, so much about himself. He doesn’t care about you, your feelings, the baby or even your safety. He is utterly self absorbed and is already gaslighting you. He is quite happy to be deceitful and sneak around behind your back.

This is who he is and he has gifted you a peek at his real self. Thank him for the insight and use it as a springboard to escape him forever. If you stay, this is just the start of his awfulness, guaranteed.

Omg I feel angry on your behalf OP! How he can have the audacity to say ‘women have been having babies forever’ as justification that he doesn’t need to read or learn anything is beyond me.

My wife basically coached me through labour with breathing techniques whilst the midwives said I couldn’t be labouring so quickly with my first.. your partner needs to understand the process and your wishes so they can advocate for you. I’m usually completely against having parents in the delivery but if I were you I would seriously be considering having my mum as an additional birth partner (or maybe instead…)

I am so sorry for you to realise at this stage that he’s not a man, he’s a boy. A selfish one at that! You’ve done the hard work of growing the baby, and he’s failing you with this basic thing. Asif it wasn’t bad enough he booked it, to then disregard your feelings when you expressed them.

Birth and post partum is such a vulnerable time that can be so emotionally intense, he needs to step up and quickly. Having a family isn’t about sacrificing your old life, it’s about building and being excited about a new one. He can do stag do’s in the future but not at this crucial stage!

eta- sorry that sounds so doom and gloom. Birth is also amazing & empowering and the oxytocin hit is where it’s at! I also drove until the day I went into labour at 41+4, but that’s not to say you won’t have to stop driving as it is all individual. Just saying you may still have that independence/freedom even if he is gone!

I just want to send you so much love and strength, Op! You and your mom can do this!

Wishing you all the very best. Please tell your DM everything and make sure you look after yourself and your gorgeous baby.
HRTFT but I imagine everyone has told you he's being awful.
My first GC was born 5 months ago. DIL had a c-section date booked early on. DS has ADHD and is very squeemish. He still attended all the classes, visited the maternity ward, read everything he and didn't drink for several weeks before the birth, let alone go abroad.
He was so excited about the birth. Wild horses couldn't have dragged him away from missing his DC's first moments and supporting his DW through it all.
I had to collect my MIL in the weeks before the birth 300 miles away. I did the six hundred mile round trip with a couple of days down time in-between. I would have turned round or come back the same day if there was even a chance I wouldn't be there to support them both, as asked, and I was only the GP.
DS describes DD's arrival as the greatest day of his life. He's very hands-on, not because he feels obliged as a father. He loves spending as much time as he can with his DD and recognises how hard it is for his DW. From your posts, I don't see your DH feeling the joy this time should being him. He should be so excited and want to be there more than anything.

Ibiza? With his best friend?

Not a Gaycation??!!

Oh dear, what a selfish P...

This tells you what his priorities are and what life is going to be like for him. Ruining his life, that's something a teenager would say. I'd be concerned about him using the words ruining and controlling. Does he usually say things like that?

You aren't BU but you can't stop him either. Just know he will put fun times with his friends before you and your kids.

Sadly he seems like the kind of guy that would go anyway.

What is your relationship with his mother (and/or sister(s)) like? If it's positive, you could drop it into conversation with her. My mother in law would go in to bat for me on something like this (obviously the same doesn't apply to everyone; I am lucky). If he's close with her then it might make him see sense.

I’d find it sickening if my partner needed his mum to tell him to be a decent partner to me. My partner is an adult and I expect him to act like one, not act like a 5 year old boy needing his mum to tell him how to act. The bar is so low for men, and for women to think they’re lucky because their partners mum would step in….fucking hell.

@Featureso This thread is almost full now. Not sure if you are going to start another one as Part 2. But if you don't, please know we will be thinking of you

Duplicate post

Op, I am so so sorry he is not the man you thought he was. He is not a decent sort, or someone that is going to be there for you in life. You now know exactly who he really is. Worse still he seems fairly accomplished at gas lighting you to believe he is the victim here. He has given no thought at all to the tiny baby you both share.

I am sure you must be questioning whether he even loves you at all. The shock must feel overwhelming, and just taking small careful steps in the coming days to really care for yourself is imperative.

The fact he has chosen to go out this evening drinking rather than comfort you, and talk it through has probably compounded the situation. He doesn’t even care enough to do the right thing even now.
Over and over again he is telling you loud and clear he isn’t interested. He must see how devastating this is for you, and he doesn’t care.

There have been small indications/red flags like the antenatal classes etc but I imagine you never thought it would come to this.

I would lay it out for him very clearly and concisely that this is a dealbreaker, because I very much think you have now reached the point of no return, and he needs to know that his choices will have permanent and possibly life changing consequences.

If you do not say clearly what your expectations are, what his responsibilities are very clearly, he may later accuse you of not telling him, and he didn’t know you felt so strongly etc etc. I guarantee this is what he will say. That he thought you were largely on board. He might even blame you if he misses the birth, as he will say you didn’t state what you wanted him to do. Cover your back and communicate directly and clearly.

Tell him you are devastated, and can’t see a way back. Thot the trust you had in him to be there for you has been shattered. Everything you have told us,

You can send a text message or WA, so you can read it back in the future and use it as proof that he knew your feelings.

Your mother will be with you in a few hours. You can make a plan together. You have love and support around you. You are not alone in the real sense of the word. This development will settle in the coming days, and you will feel much stronger. You are blindsided now by what you have discovered, but remember it’s the shock and it will wear off,

The truth is your baby only needs you, and even if this is not how you imagined things to be, you are about to meet your beautiful baby soon, and should focus entirely on them now and looking forwards. Don’t let him ruin this for you. Your well being must come first, let him do what he wants, he is now fast becoming irrelevant.

Solidarity op. You have got this. We are all here for you,

.

Start a new thread for support. Other people may have been through this too, and can offer some invaluable insight, advice and support. 💐💐

You've completely misinterpreted what I wrote. I'm lucky because I GET ON with my mother in law. I know she would have my back in this situation. My husband is a dream partner and father who would rather die than miss the birth of his children, but in the OP's case I think a bollocking/shaming from his mother could prove effective in getting him to see things from her perspective.

My first arrived at 37+2 after the midwife telling me the day before I'd be back discussing options at 40+ weeks. My second arrived at 35+6 when my childcare was on holiday because apparently she'd never come that early. You just don't know what will happen but you can't guarantee baby won't come early and you just don't need the extra worry. My husband wouldn't take meetings out of the house just in case, never mind a trip abroad! Your husband needs a bit of a reality check. It's absurd that he's even considering it, never mind suggesting that you're ruining his life!

I am so so sorry that you are going through this. I would tell him very clearly that he is a grown man and can make his own decisions about whether or not leaving you to go away is the right thing to do, taking into consideration your feelings and current vulnerabilities and the possible impact upon your relationship. He seems to like to 'figure things out later'. I would tell him that the time to figure out this issue is now and that perhaps he read up about women, birth, stress and mental health. It's very easy for him to say that women have been giving birth for thousands of years. Women have also died through childbirth. Thankfully this is now extraordinarily rare in the UK, but his attitude towards women giving birth and towards you is nothing short of gas lighting. Not only are your relatives and friends having to step in to fulfill his role, but he's happy for them to do so. That shows a complete lack of responsibility and pride. He's showing that your feelings and the health of your baby can be easily dismissed. He's shown himself to be unreliable. In all honesty, if he goes, then I don't think that I would want him present at the birth or be around for those first few weeks when you need the most help and support. Even if he doesn't go, I would now tell him that the fact that he booked it last minute and wants to go regardless of the anxiety and upset that he is causing you, has caused you to seriously consider your future together because right now he has left you feeling extremely unsupported, distressed, sad and small. Of course, he is largely correct insofar as it's unlikely for your first baby to be early, although obviously he cannot rule that out. If he goes and returns in time for the birth and you are late, he will use this as further ammunition that he was right and that you were wrong and ruined his fun. If you are late and he misses out on the stag do, he will do exactly the same. So you cannot win. Just focus on how he is making you feel extremely stressed right now in the run up to the birth of your baby and how that is detrimental to you and your unborn child.
I am so sorry that he is unnecessarily putting you through this. Don't hide your tears in front of him. Don't get into any arguments. Don't tell him what to do. Just focus on telling how he is making you feel right now. Also, you could suggest that if he views the birth of his baby as the end of his life, then he might wish to seek support from a group for fathers as it is not normal (despite men having become fathers for thousands of years!)

i completely agree with all of this.
He isn't invested in you or the baby; he sees it all as one big inconvenience which is getting in the way of his fun.
If he doesn't go to Ibiza, you do realise he will sulk and be quite unbearable.

As for missing the birth you can bet your bottom dollar he has no interest in being there anyway

You’re better off without this man child

My first came at 38 weeks.

It’s his best mate, can they not change the dates? If my best mate were pregnant I’d change the hen date so she could be there.

We did antenatal classes all as couples, that was the norm because dads are parents too and there to support their wives. That is what normal men are like op- every time you feel pathetic for asking or expecting, remember you should be able to expect him to care for his wife and his baby. Thats the basic expectation and he can’t do it.