To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

My friend is 4' 11". Because she was shorter than average she couldnt fit her bump behind the wheel and still reach the pedals. Simply not physically possible. She had to give up driving at about 32 weeks.

Former colleague was average height but was having twins and had the same problem.

I got news.....not everyone can do what you can do.

I wasn't even attempting to drive to work after 37 weeks. Went on mat leave just before and gave birth 8 days later. I could neither sit comfortably for the 40 minute drive nor sit at a desk for 8 hours by then.

At 38 weeks pregnant, he should be at home with you.

I had a small car. My maternity leave had to start when I couldn't fit behind the wheel anymore!

@BoudiccaRuled , a friend had eclampsia and had an emergency caesarian. There is no way she could have driven. Her husband was there throughout.

OP does he actually know that around 25% of babies are born during week 38 (and around 44% are born before or during week 38)?

I wonder if he thinks you're worrying about some remote possibility of baby coming "early".

Dues he realise there's a 25% chance his baby will arrive full-term that week?

As someone whose husband went into total denial AFTER our first baby was born, this is really making my heart break for you. I remember this feeling of being abandoned well. Gut feeling/hoping for you that he’s freaking out and won’t actually go, he’s just in denial. I’d call his bluff and tell him to go if it’s more important to him than you, but also tell him he will not be allowed at the birth of his first child as and when it happens and loudly organise for a new birthing partner in front of him. But then, I’m a passive aggressive bitch so this might not be the best advice…
are any of his mates on the stag parents? If so, I imagine they’ll be shocked he’s actually gone. My husband went and got twatted at a party days after our child was born and I was bed bound. the shame of people asking why he was there and not at home looking after us both has stayed with him.

Hmmm. I wondered that too, doesn’t make sense, as he was ‘still thinking about it’ when he unexpectedly came home earlier.

If he can’t see that he could potentially miss the birth of his child then he’s clearly never grown up stuff him and try and have some nice girly time with your mum baby is the most important thing here and by him stressing you out like this is no good for you or baby
good luck xx

I'm really sorry OP
You can tell from your updates you feel stressed over this. Speak to your mum when she comes over. Enjoy some quality time with her. Take care of yourself and your precious baby. Let's hope man-child steps up to the plate when he's been on his precious stag do. I won't hold my breath though. In my experience, it's like having another child with some men. They literally need their arse wiping ! Good luck.x

It seems like he hasn’t anticipated how much changes when you have a baby. It’s things like skipping the stag do because you are needed at home. Will he still be wanting to go to the pub when you have a newborn? Have you discussed expectations? Parenting styles?
The likelihood is he will go and nothing will happen but that doesn’t mean he made the right choice

The image of you talking to your belly in the bathroom has made me cry, I’m so sorry this is happening.

He’s put you in an impossible situation and the name-calling/life-ruining narrative is unbelievably manipulative. But you know that, and so does he. He’s hoping it’ll just keep you quiet so he can go off and have fun. Well fuck that. Why does he get to act like he’s not about to have a baby while your entire life is being upended because you’re about to have HIS baby? His one job now is to support you. Argh, he needs a good shake. Could we send a MN contingent to the pub he’s at? And the whole “the other wives are cool with it” is so grim. I’d be tempted to tell him all the guys going think he’s a complete bellend for wanting to leave you at this time!

Your dh is being a selfish prick. But ruining his life...I'd be letting him go to ibiza and I'd be filing for divorce and changing the locks whilst he was gone.

However, what makes you think you won't be able to drive? I drove myself into hospital at 40 weeks for my induction. Im not trying to be a knob, but that's a pretty naff argument to use. The issue is as many firsts gonover due, a lot come early. My sister had her first at 37 weeks she went full term or over with the next 2 so its not a given that number 1 is always late.

Let him go OP. If you do go into labour your mum will be so much more what you need than him. And if you don’t, you at least will have some time and space to think about what you want for the future.

If indeed he is even telling the truth -

My one and only baby came at 36+5. They can come any time. He is a total immature prick regardless of whether the baby comes or not.

Yes but because he’s a wanker of the highest order, he’ll no doubt argue that there’s a 75% chance that it won’t.

As I said earlier OP, I’d actually encourage him to go and then do everything in my power to actually try and bring on Labour whilst the nasty little bastard is hamming it up in Ibiza.

I honestly wouldn’t want him there now. He’s totally fucked everything up.

@Featureso you tell that sorry ass ‘D’H of yours that he CANNOT go to the stag. You will resent him forever for going and he needs to know that going is not acceptable. Don’t just leave the decision up to him.

Also go to another antenatal class. That’s where you can meet fellow mum’s having babies around the same time. Mine did have women whose bellend husbands didn’t show. Those women are still good friends even though they eventually ditched their dead end martyred ex’s. At last go to postnatal classes.

Good luck with your little one. It’s not easy being a parent but they are amazing blessings in our lives.

And no - he hasn’t come to the antenatal classes. I asked him to come to one but he said they were “a bit much” and that it was “all stuff I can just read online.” In the end I didn’t go either. I couldn’t face sitting there by myself and pretending everything was fine.

He doesn't sound ready to be a father, sorry.

@Featureso I’m late to this thread and I have nothing to add but I just wanted to give you support and sign up to the army of marvellous women with your back.

There is a certain type of man who likes to ask questions like, “can I go to Ibiza when you’re 38 weeks?” And “can I go on a golf holiday for two weeks with my friends and spend money we don’t have?” And “can I get a lap dance?” And what they are doing to giving you a binary choice between being a ‘nagging bitch’ and a ‘gullible cool-wife twat’. I don’t accept those questions. The answer is, “what do you think a decent man would do? Do that”. Or “what on earth do you think you should do?” Or “I’m not giving you permission to do something utterly dickish. Take responsibility for your actions.”

I’m sorry OP, I don’t think he’s a good man.

Don't know if younger ones do this now? Gen Z generally think drinking to get drunk, stag/hen parties and fancy dress are all cringe, according to polls/newsfeed articles/the teenage children of friends. I'm too old to comment, but the whole 18-30 scene seemed to have gone a while ago and people who go to Ibiza don't seem to talk about clubbing/foam parties. Partying seems a waste of money to me, with a baby on the way, and while it's true that even my midwives always said a first baby's often late, like everyone's said, they can also be early! OP, FWIW, sometimes men can grow up a lot after the baby's born-I know a few men who were what some would call red flags in pregnancy who became great husbands/fathers later. Yes, maybe they should have grown up before the LO popped out, but the fact is they have been amazing and more than worthwhile in the end.

I would let him go, especially as it's your first and they rarely come on time, but I'm pretty independent and had 4 ( even no4 was late 😂) . Can you not get a family member to come and stay while he's away?

Oh my god that binary thing is so true. It's always on the woman, isn't it?

It sounds like you’re going to bring up this baby alone one way or the other.

The choice is whether to do it alone but with him just there.

Or you do it alone but without this manchild who you will end up having to cook and clean for and who will pretend to the world he is a devoted partner and father at the expense of your effort and labour.