To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

A friend of mine went for her antenatal check up at 36 weeks and ended up being blue lighted from there to hospital, she hadn't even packed her hospital bag.

Knowing that I had my bag packed at 32 weeks and when touring the hospital there was a baby born at 32 weeks when I was 32 weeks. Really brought it home that it is all so unpredictable.

He is being completely selfish. Dh wouldn't go, best mate or not.

He's not very invested in his child is he OP?
And not very invested in you OP.

He wants to go off like a single man and go drinking and partying and doing all the disgusting things men get up to on these "stag dos" when he should be at home supporting you and preparing for his new child.

This is who he is.

Personally if he went on.this stag do I would tell him not to come back. He can support his child financially but really there is no relationship to salvage if this is how little he cares.

In your shoes I'd shuffle him off to Ibiza and ask to be induced while he was away. He's definitely not going to be any use during the labour.

“Trying to ruin his life” if those were his actual words then he seems to have rather lost his sense of proportion. First babies are more likely to be late than second babies but it is certainly not guaranteed. Remember 37 weeks is considered full term! I was the size of a house due to polyamdramnios but could still drive but didn’t have any energy or need to go anywhere at that point.

Honestly he is a grown adult you cannot prevent him going, unless you are willing to shred his passport! But as you say the risk is he misses the birth and I’m not sure I could forgive and I definitely wouldn’t forget that. Different if he was deployed overseas in the forces or working in an oil rig say and couldn’t get back in time. Can you arrange an alternative birth partner?

So standard advice do not make yourself more vulnerable. Ensure all maternity leave and childcare costs are covered by both of you. If you planned to be be a SAHM strongly reconsider. If he does go then perhaps use the time to get really familiar with the household finances if this isn’t knowledge that you already have.

Edited to add the full term commment

Let him go. He obviously doesn’t want to be at the birth. Sort out a good birth partner and refuse to have him at the birth whether baby comes before he goes or after.

I NEVER say LTB, but in this instance I would not even discuss it any more. I would just go. Can you imagine what he will be like after the baby is born!

I’m sorry you are married to such a man child. He sounds like a pretty shitty husband and father already.
38 weeks is very much full term, meaning baby could arrive at any time.
Please don’t take his bullshit. You are not being controlling. This is his life now. He has responsibilities. End of.
I’m sorry to also say that if I was a betting woman you are going to be spending a lot of time on here in the coming months posting about your unsupportive husband not doing any night feeds, housework, childcare, going on nights out every weekend whilst you’re struggling to adjust to life as a new mum etc. etc.
Try to get some extra support around you before baby comes, because sadly I don’t think you can rely on your ‘husband’.

It's not so much that he wants to go on the Stag do, it's the offensive and demeaning language he uses to you.
I'd plan to be a single parent, unfortunately.

And don’t you know he’ll be sulking the whole time the Stag is on, because he’s at home (if he agrees to stay home)

I wouldn’t mind the stag do but I wouldn’t want to be called names by him. They’re much older than the usual Ibiza crowd, which is an ick for me.

I hope he shapes up

I think the sad thing is that he wants to go
Also it's not true that first babies never come on time . Each pregnancy is different.
And both my children were born before their due date. My first earlier than my second.

My first baby come at 38+5. You aren't being unreasonable at all!

Oh dear OP. I can already see the post in 6 months time 'I've got a young baby, my husband goes out drinking with his mates all the time and doesn't put me and the baby first, he's loving the single life and I'm stuck at home exhausted'

See it all the time on her. Your DH has no respect or regard for you. Set your bar higher

I mean… I was trying to imply the same in my post without explicit saying it, but I completely agree.
Adjusting to parenthood that first time is HARD. You just don’t need that extra layer of also parenting this man-child when you’re already so vulnerable. Better to save the energy you have for the actual child.

Clearly as he’s a qualified obstetrician with his lofty pronouncements that first babies don’t come early, he’ll want to be there to deliver the baby.

What a knob.

usually I’m in the “let him go” camp but this time it’s a no from me.

Of course tug can’t physically stop him but tbh I’d never forgive him if he did go.

why cant you drive?

This100%

Sadly I agree with this
Tell him to go and don't rely on him for anything ever.

DS was born at 38 +3 and id been in and out of hospital for 3 weeks before that

Thanks everyone - really appreciate all the replies, even though they’re making me feel a bit sick if I’m honest. I guess I needed to hear it.

He’s not usually like this. He came to all the scans, helped paint the nursery, and was the one talking names before I was ready. So this has totally blindsided me. He says it’s his “last chance” to do something fun before becoming a dad - like I’m dragging him into prison. I tried to explain that it’s not about fun, it’s about being present.

I’m also nervous because my mum lives 4 hours away, I don’t have family nearby, and none of my close friends drive. If something happened quickly, I’d be totally alone or relying on a neighbour I barely know to get me to hospital.

He keeps saying I’m overreacting and that he’ll “just come back early” if anything happens - from Ibiza?! On a weekend in August?! When flights are £££ and probably full?

I haven’t even packed my hospital bag yet - the whole thing is making me feel so anxious I’ve been avoiding it. He thinks I’m making a fuss over nothing, but what if baby does come early and he misses everything?

It’s not even like the groom is his brother or something. It’s his uni mate. They went travelling once and still go to the pub occasionally.

Will try and talk to him again tonight - but honestly I’m not holding out much hope. I’m starting to think the real issue is he doesn’t want to accept what being a dad actually means.

Blimey op. You’ve got a right Prince there. He’s selfish and needs to grow up. Timing is too close, no he shouldn’t go, it’s not the end of the fuckin world if you miss a drinking sesh with your mates ffs. Has he always been like this? If not, I sympathise. If he has… well…. Buckle up - I’m sad to say it’s likely this selfish, immature behaviour isn’t an isolated incident..

37 weeks is considered fully cooked…

from a non scientific study of my NCT group-

1 was 35 weeks
2 were 38 weeks ish
1 was a few days early
3 were late by a few days
1 was 2 weeks late…

not a chance I’d be letting my husband go more than an hour or so away unless there’s an emergency- what if your waters break?

My first was at 37 weeks. We didn't even get to do the NCT class about how to look after a baby we were doing it. Your DH is oblivious at best. And, for the record, my second was a week late.

Edited to add that if he thinks he can just 'pop back' from Ibiza he's also a bit deluded as that first baby came pretty quickly from my waters breaking to being born. I'm not sure how he can feel ok with risking missing being there for you, or for the birth of his first child. He must simply not be aware of the realities of this whole having a baby thing!

also it’s not controlling to want your husband close by when about to give birth. You didn’t do this on your own. You shouldn’t need to ‘control’ anything, he should be doing of his own free will…

Jeeez, aren’t some men useless.

By 38 weeks gestation my oldest was 6 weeks old and my youngest, 11 weeks old. Pregnancy is unpredictable.

It says rather a lot about him that he even wants to go, tbh!