To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

@OneZanyOpalPanda ChatGPT posts are usually characterised by overly polished or formal tone, balanced arguments, odd phrasing (like "In conclusion,..."), US punctuation conventions (e.g. long unspaced dashes), bullet points, lack of personal voice, repetition of keywords, lack of natural slang, and many other things that are clearly absent from the OP's post.

Someone commenting that this was AI generated clearly has trouble understanding that some life situations are genuinely shit. And that MN posters are quite capable of expressing themselves clearly without artificial assistance.

im so sorry to read this. He is a disgrace.
Please don’t turn this on you and think ‘how did I miss this?’ Etc. Some people change when you are pregnant. It’s a known fact that a lot of abuse starts when the partner is either pregnant or post natal.
I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here but I’m saying people change and you cont predict the future.

i think he needs a wake up call. A few weeks living back at his parents or the like. Im sorry that you’ve already grown up and stepped up to the responsibility of being a parent but your manchild is having some sort of last rebellion, at your expense. You deserve so much more.

I think whether he goes or not, the damage is done, unfortunately.

In my case I lasted another couple of years giving him the benefit of the doubt, but there is no getting over the fact that when you most need someone, surpriiiiiiiiise!!!! - they are not there for you. You are essentially alone, and ultimately better off alone.

It's moments like these that define relationships. I read of women who 20 years on, have never forgiven their husbands for similar behaviour.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat

This, and the fact he's accused you of trying to ruin his life is seriously indicative of what's in store. It's all about him.

Have you heard the saying that some men want babies like children want puppies? He's been present to far in things he finds fun to do, or doesn't mind doing, like doing up the nursery, but this is how he behaves when he's asked to make a sacrifice.

I can see you having no hobbies or free time to yourself, whilst he insists on gallivanting around with his mates as if they're all 17.

You see, for a man who thinks a woman should have no boundaries, and no real needs, her needs will always be labelled as her giving him a hard time, or her boundaries as her being controlling, and the low bar of his friend's wives will be your bar. I don't think he wants to, or is ready to make you number 1 in his life.

And I'm sorry, but he's being such a twat that I would question why he's had such a bad reaction to not going. I understand it's a significant event between them, but I would wonder what else he had planned whilst he was there, in a foreign country, without you.

By 39 weeks of pregnancy, 50.3% of women will have gone into labour spontaneously. That’s a pretty big chance of him missing his child’s birth. I’m pretty relaxed about these things generally but I think he’s mad to want to go, and is taking the piss.

With my 1st dc, my waters broke at 34 weeks and my son was born at 36 weeks. You just never know.

Also the petty side of me is thinking hide the fucking passport.
Or swop it with yours last minute.

my husband didn’t even go out drinking in the last few weeks incase it happened! we were over due and ironically he was off to a client 2 hours away when my front waters broke 😀

You might be happy with setting the bar so low, but some of us have higher standards. The OP isn't a single parent -yet- and has the right to expect that her DH is as committed to imminent parenthood as she is. Missing the birth due to work related travel might be forgiveable but missing it due to a drunken stag do certainly isn't.

Maybe he’s seeing this as his last “huraah”

but he’s part of the baby thing now, and that needs to take priority. It’s just too close.

This. So so this. And women who stay with these men lose their identity conpletely. Women who stay with these men often lose any kind of secure future because they have to eke out part time hours etc to fit around him and his career needs and the children’s needs. Women who stay with these men are often discarded and painted as mentally unwell and controlling etc wtc and are still expected to be his support human to facilitate his publuc persona of being a fabulously great dad: she continues to do all the shit wirk and Hes yhd ‘fun’ dad and he moved onto another woman where he’s the victim of the awful controlling baby-momma and he has a Hes woman to step in and do the inconvenient bits of parenting on the 50/50 schedule he insisted upon so he DIESNT have to pay any child maintenance.

I have the entire warehouse of Disney souvenir shop tat to tell this sorry story.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you at such a vulnerable time.

If this is how he is behaving even before your baby is born, I'd have a good think about whether he really is the one for you.

I speak from experience when I say that being a single mum is hard, but not as hard as living with the frustration, anger and hurt of having a partner who's constantly letting you down.

If he wants to be in your life he seriously needs to get his shit together.

YANBU

He’s not getting off to a great start is he? I’m afraid you’re in for a rough ride with this one if this is his attitude

Oh sweetheart, sending you the biggest hug. Its not you, its him. Never let him persuade you otherwise.

So my story is different, but I felt exactly how you're describing. Ashamed, embarrassed and like I was a small, pathetic, insignificant person when my eldest was born.

I've never admitted this to anyone before, but when I was in hospital in active labour, 7cm dilated, just had a pethidine shot, he went home and left me there. He was tired. My mum had called in to let the dog out when his car pulled up. Needless to say she came straight to the hospital and was there when Dd arrived.

He killed something in me that day, but he also woke something up. When your little one arrives it'll wake up in you too. Its his loss, you and baby are worth so much more.

H is now exH. Is he ashamed of how he behaved? yes absolutely. Does he regret it? He says so yes.

I think what he failed to realise is that if you have to ask or plead for basic kindness then its worthless. If you leave a woman at her most vulnerable time she grows stronger than you give her credit for and she doesn't need you for anything. Thats a very dangerous position for a man to put themselves in.

I hope yours sees the light and comes back with an apology of epic proportions, but even if he doesn't you're going to be ok I promise. You shouldn't need to be, but you're stronger than you think.

Please @Featureso, please show him this thread so that he can't say afterwards that he hadn't realised how upset you were, and that he "honestly" hadn't realised how right you were, and that other people who weren't pregnant and hormonal still agreed with you! Please, please, show it to him, or the excuses will come, and leave you feeling even more confused. I am, and will be thinking of you OP 🩷 xxx

you NEED to make a massive deal - because it is!!

if he goes on this trip frankly its disrespectful and awful. tell him how you feel, how he is behaving etc
spell it out

then if he goes, you know exactly where you stand. Pussyfoot round it and you are making yourself a doormat

He's going out drinking with his mates tonight?
Unbelievable. Can't he see how upset you are?
This man just doesn't care. He's cruel and selfish. You don't need him in your life.

What a twat. He doesn't deserve you or the baby in his life.

I'd be so ashamed of him if he was my son.

OP I don't want to worry you but my DSis's DH was like this about the upcoming birth. Kept ignoring it, kept going out, kept treating DSis like she was ruining his life. Once the baby came whilst he loved his DC he basically had a midlife crisis, started going out loads, doing drugs (party drugs rather than hard-core drugs but still obviously bad), running up loads of debt, and finally cheating on his wife. She first found out about the debt, which then led to info on what he was spending money on, and then checking his phone which revealed the cheating. She was potentially willing to forgive if he calmed down the partying. Long story short, he didn't.

Is there someone in his life he'd listen to who can give him a good talking to about what being a good dad means and how he needs to support you? I worry without a wakeup call things could go wrong.

That said, even if they do, and you end up living a different life to the one you imagined and being a single parent, you will be on it and be amazing. That's the one upside of having a shitty partner/co-parent. You get used to doing it all yourself and you know for sure you can and will survive and even thrive.

This.

I would shut up now and let him go but I would be long gone by the time he returned.

From my experience the midwives do great you better when you are alone. My 2 nd birth was alone and I felt far more cared for than the other 2 when I had someone with me.

My husband wouldn't have even considered this but regardless...
Why on earth won't you be able to drive?
You will be completely capable of most things until you are crippled over with labour pains.

Think we were all just relieved he got there in time and he certainly stepped up at the birth and as a Dad. Don’t think he’ll be allowed on any stag do’s if they have another baby though 😂.

perhaps he doesn’t want to be at the birth, perhaps he is hoping baby will arrive while he is away

no moral fibre

He's lucky that's even under consideration. As pp have said, the bar for men is just so low.