To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

I always thought the same as your husband, first babies are always late, I’ll work up until 38 weeks and they have 3 weeks to get sorted etc, then my little boy was born at 27 weeks.

You are not being unreasonable, 37 weeks is classed as a term baby. Babies don’t follow a rule book! Also, even if baby does come late, odds are you will want some support doing things around the house and don’t need added stress.

@ChompandaGrazia
No - op said he was upstairs packing and humming away. And was then going out with the lads.

If he's humming away packing he hardly sounds like his life is ruined. How dare he say that to you as you're about to birth his child.

You deserve so much more than this. I am
not long after having a baby myself and my husband wouldn’t have dreamt of cutting it so fine and potentially missing the most important day of our lives! At this point my husband wasn’t even going out in the evenings just in case and had basically stopped drinking so as to be ready (we got an uber to the hospital but just so he was alert and ready) as others have said he should be making the dinners, rubbing your back and being there for you emotionally as you prepare for the biggest event of your life.

You are completely within your rights to be this upset & scared. I can just picture him being the kind of man if nothing happens while he’s away to come back and say “I told you it would be fine” and make you feel stupid again for worrying.

Please know, your reaction is completely normal & warranted, his wanting to go on this trip is madness & a huge red flag and he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re being unreasonable.

I am glad your mum has stepped up for you but this shouldn’t have to be the case. Having a baby is such a life altering experience, I’m sad to say from your post it doesn’t look like the odds are great for his ability to be a decent parent. Stay strong and look after yourself, I hope whatever happens in the long run you get the support you need from somewhere.

You are not being unreasonable. He should realise that as you approach the latter weeks in pregnancy you are not able to do many things yourself (pick things or even yourself off the floor), may feel unwell and you have more appointments. Also, if you had any reduced movements they would induce you or deliver the baby via c-section. It isn’t just about baby coming naturally and btw plenty of first babies also come early!

He may be this guy’s friend but remind him he is your baby’s father. He will forget he ever missed this stag-do but he (and you) won’t forget him being AWOL or missing the birth of your child.

Yeah first babies don’t always come on time.Mine came early.

I had my first baby at 38 weeks. No warning she would be early, and it was a very quick labour. He could miss the birth of his child.
he sounds horrible, he shouldn’t speak to you like that.

I understand that AI posts are annoying, but so are AI hunters. You know who else has overly formal writing that may seem to hit emotional notes differently than expected, autistic people.

People with ASD are accused of being AI much more often than the norm. Even as a child, I used formal language and was teased for my communication style. I tend to avoid contractions because they do not feel correct when I am writing and speaking, even though I know they are grammatically accepted. Imprecise speech is unacceptable for many people with ASD so we tend to over explain or use very particular words that other people might not include in their regular speaking or writing arsenal. We also often have larger vocabularies on average and have to remember to write or speak for our audience, which can be constraining and add to the stilted nature of our communication.

My first baby came at 36+5 weeks. I had 4 more and never made it to my due date. Furthest I got was 38+6!

My finance just went on his stag to Ibiza for 3 days last weekend and I wasn’t happy about it being home with 2 young kids but I didn’t tell him not to go or moan that he was going. I would definitely have something to say if I was 38 weeks pregnant that’s soooo close and would make me uncomfortable. Both pregnancies after 35 weeks he didn’t drink and didn’t work more than an hour away from home just in case

My babies all arrive in the 40th week and still my DH didn't go on work trips (work, not leisure) from 36 weeks 'just in case'.

I get people saying he might miss the birth of the baby. Do you know what the bigger issue is for me? He doesn't care about YOU. Not his baby, his wife. You are about to have a baby. So many things can happen - people have noted some above. He should be in your corner emotionally supporting you through this. He should be there for you.

What's he doing instead? Out at night "unwinding" with his friends then pissing off on a stag do when you could have the baby at any point.

If he "has" to rush home, I'd be telling him to stay away. It's just a performance. He's not a decent dad. He's only there for appearances. It's not endearing. He abandoned you to go party.

the thing for me is that you will always remember. Remember how he put you last, accused you of ruining his life and was happy to let other women take over his responsibilities. And it will change forever how you see him.

And he hasn’t even thought about that. It’s so sad

it’s a shitty thing to do. I’m sorry to say this but if he reacts like this over a stupid stag do I don’t think he’s ready for the rollercoaster of being a father. What happens when you tell him it’s his turn to get up with the baby, is he going to start shouting that lack of sleep is ruining his life? Sorry op, you are in a bit of a crap situation. I would plan on raising this baby as a single parent eventually.

Was talking to DD1 about this thread and she made a good point.

She works in medicine and said that she (and her colleagues) see a lot of men like this when their partners are ill or in labour or similar. Same with their kids. They will always find a reason to duck out.

She said "Tell her to watch One Born Every Minute and the guys that she judges for going out to have smoke, or fall asleep or leave everything to the mother in law......thats him just with nicer clothes and more money. He is no better than they are, but he would judge them and think he was better. But he really isnt"

And she is right! A disengaged partner and father is just as disengaged whether he goes out for a fag that takes two hours when his girlfriend is in labour or if he goes on an expensive stag do leaving his wife at home in a posh house.

Remove the money/class/social barriers and these men are both doing the same thing.

What an immature man-child. I bet he sulks if he doesn't go.

My first came 2 weeks early at 38 plus 2. Went into labour 24 hours before that. Id have been calling him in ibiza telling him not to bother flying back home because his life wouldn't be worth living after that.

I had a high risk pregnancy and my husband stopped drinking by choice in case anything happened. I thought he was being paranoid but appreciated the sentiment.

Relationships, even bad ones, are fine, when there’s nothing to test them. When things like this come along, you see the true colours. I am so sorry OP, I really am.

We may be a bunch of strangers, but I’m betting many of us have been here before and our hearts are breaking for you when you are realizing how selfish he is being and what that may mean for your future together.

My abusive relationship, was the complete opposite of what I have now. My partner now, didn’t even drink from about 36 weeks onwards and wouldn’t dream of going out let alone away.

Concentrate on yourself and your beautiful baby on the way. You can do this without him, if that is what happens x

He sounds like an immature, manipulative, selfish asshole. He's even mansplaining pregnancy to you and he's totally full of shit about it. Of course YANBU. I predict he will be a lazy, selfish father as well. You're in for a rough ride, I'm sorry to say.

Absolute truth.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this @Featureso. I think he’s been a selfish so and so. If it’s any consolation I noticed my husband and brothers rather than being full of the joys of spring were very irritable and agitated coming up to the births of their babies. I put it down to nervousness about the birth and the new arrival ( they didn’t abscond to Ibiza though 😂probably only because of lack of opportunity) They all turned out to be devoted fathers. I hope this is only a temporary malfunction with your DH too and that he isn’t a permanent selfish prick. I really would be very angry about the ruin my life comments and him trying to paint you as reasonable. You absolutely are not.

As for antenatal classes neither me nor my DH attended any so don’t panic. In fact I don’t know anyone who has. They were never suggested or mentioned to us. It must be different here in Northern Ireland. I would kind of be a bit like your husband in the respect of reading books etc and would have learned on the job. Thankfully the children are now 10+, alive, well and happy. Wishing you the best of luck x

It's not true that the first "rarely comes on time." Even if was, it's a risk no decent man would take, missing the birth of his child just to party. That's disgraceful behaviour. Even worse, he was nasty to her for objecting and made wild, ridiculous accusations.

Are you implying that the problem is that the OP isn't "independent" like you?
If so, did you answer this thread just to brag about yourself and bring somebody else down?

I have noticed that often the same women who give men such leeway tend to be highly judgemental of other women and have totally different standards for female behaviour, so it's probably internalized misogyny. If somebody was to start a thread saying she was 38 weeks pregnant and asking if it was reasonable to go to a hen-do in Ibiza, the male supporters on here would tear her to shreds.

And no - he hasn’t come to the antenatal classes. I asked him to come to one but he said they were “a bit much” and that it was “all stuff I can just read online.” In the end I didn’t go either. I couldn’t face sitting there by myself and pretending everything was fine.

This says it all, this is such an important thing and he couldn't be bothered and then its not surprising he is completely clueless about childbirth as he didn't bother learning anything. Sorry, but this is a huge red flag, I think you need to start preparing for the worst, I don't see him sticking around for long. Hopefully I'm wrong. I also think you need to be very clear and tell him, rather than hoping he will figure this out on his own, because he won't and then he will just blame it on you saying you never told him it was important. Go and speak to him and be very direct.
What do the female partners of the other men think? Does anyone have kids? I'm surprised if all his friends think this is ok too tbh.

I was thinking this.

Seriously, who could be bothered ... I'd be more interested in going baby clothes shopping.

Because they are so scared of losing "my man".

Pathetic that they cannot countenance managing on their own.