To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

If you don't want to read the whole thread, read the OP's posts.

I’d be furious he was even considering it. These last few weeks of pregnancy are so special, the last time it will just be the two of you. This should be his priority not going to some drunken stag weekend, especially as it is so close to your due date.

Raging on your behalf OP! 34 or not, this guy isn't mature enough to be a dad. The fact that you're the one who is physically pregnant has left him thinking he has no responsibility. His only consideration for not going being that you could possibly go into labour is a very low bar. Aside from giving birth, those last few weeks are physically very hard (uncomfortable, hard to sleep, stressing about birth etc) and he should be taking care of you, not painting you as some hysterical, controlling monster. At 37 weeks, I needed help getting out of bed!! A few days later I went in for a regular check and was kept in (first baby).

Had he been upfront about wanting to go, and asking what you needed in place to feel safe, secure, and loved (like who could come stay with you and drive you to dr, looking into standby flights, distance from airport, reality of coming home at short notice etc) or anything to let you know that you and the baby are his priority, maybe you'd feel slightly better (but 100% it is not a reasonable ask in the first place). The fact that he has immediately jumped to shaming you for ruining his life tells you all you need to know about who he really is.

Show him this thread, and do whatever you need to have reliable support for when and after the baby comes without guilt (whether that's going to your mums or having someone stay with you for a while). This is an awful situation, but you'll be amazed how strong you can be once you have a baby to stand up for. Wishing you all the best x

Has the op come back to say why he is upstairs packing? He’s not going for 2 weeks.

Its the grown up version of "ALL MY FRIENDS MUMS ARE LETTING THEM GO!!!!!!!!"

I’m sorry you’ve chosen to have a child with an idiot 🩷 but yes way too close and if his friends were any better, they’d be telling him he’s an idiot for wanting to go too.

i despair at how many men don’t realise that you have to make some changes when you have kids. It’s not as though Ibiza won’t be there next year, or he could have gone earlier in the year.

but for you OP, focus on the things you can control, looking after yourself for you and baby, getting plenty of rest ahead of baby coming, get your support crew around you, You can tell H how you are feeling but you have no control over his response or how he feels about things. You need to make decisions and act on what is best for you and baby. You don’t need to make any big decisions today, but always know you have options, you don’t need to tolerate a H going large like Kevin and Perry while you are doing the heavy lifting of raising his child. Good luck OP.

ps my first came at 36 weeks and a few days, up until then I believed people when they said first babies were always late!

Oh OP I don't really have anything to add, but I want to send my support. Talk to your Mum and tell her everything, she'll be on your side and you need her right now.

He is being a massive fuckwit and immature to boot re not attending ante natal classes etc. my first came at 38 weeks and it was a very difficult 3 day labour. However, I didn’t have any warning re needing to get to hospital. Suddenly my waters just went while I was at home and I had to go straight in. I was then on a clock to get the baby out via lots of different induction methods. Had my husband not been there because he was on a stag I’d have never forgiven him.

It's awful OP. It sounds like you're at a make or break decision point and he is totally oblivious. Your husband shouldn't be telling you you're over reacting. Your emotions are valid. You are allowed to feel upset, let down, disappointed. This is a major life event for you, and him if he could be arsed to participate in it. His disengagement to date really doesn't bode well for when the baby arrives. You said he hasn't wanted to attend natal classes. They're hardly a huge time investment for him. How much more will he check out on once the baby is born?

I know a guy about the same age as your husband. His wife is a similar stage of pregnancy to you. He is a great guy. Already planning how he can contribute when the baby arrives. Making plans to ensure she gets the time she needs with friends to recharge, thinking about what he can do if she seems to be getting depressed etc They're both equally horrified by what she is hearing at mothers group - the expectations on men are so low and they do selfish things like your husband is doing now.

Wow nice passive aggressive victim blame there.

the OP has clearly said that this is new behaviour. It often is. No woman chooses to have a baby with a selfish cunt, but a lot of selfish cunts dont show their credentials until they are needed to put themselves second. Such as when a baby comes along.

Thats why a terrifying number of men leave their wives when there is a serious illness diagnosed. Because up until that point they have always managed to manipulate life (and wife) so that they come first.

That is devastating and just so sad isn’t it? Goodness men. It does make you wonder if this is the first problem what others will there be when the baby arrives as that is when it gets tough.

Your comment is not helpful

My Husband went on a work trip (uk trip only) when I was 37 weeks with baby no.1. Baby came early, and although husband did get back on time, it was by the skin of his teeth. If he hadn’t got a seat on that flight, he’d have missed it.

Do you really think that first line was in any way helpful to someone who is already distressed?

I feel like this is the time for the Let Them theory. Let him show you who is he is. If he chooses to go to Ibiza, let him.

It’s awful, it’s upsetting. He’s leaving when you need him, he’s risking not being there for the birth, but let him. At least now you know what kind of partner he is.

And then you can decide what you do with that info - are you happy to settle with someone that shit? Or do you want better?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’ve got this. Good luck xx

It is the reality is it not? Just like what someone else has said about let them - just let him do it if it wants. If he goes and risks missing the birth of his child for his mates, then that is someone who I would be questioning whether I’d want to stay committed to once I’d had the baby. As if he can do that now, there is a high chance he could leave when dealing with a newborn or a toddler etc etc.

given the situation and the fact your mum is able to come and stay, I’d honestly let him go, or at least not stop him, as he will clearly have a major hump if he doesn’t go and will be unbearable those few days

and while he’s gone enjoy the space and have a serious think as to whether or not you want to bring up a kid with this idiot. He may step up when baby comes. Be prepared that he may not. Either way he’s got a massive shock coming.

Op you're not small or pathetic and he's humiliated himself here he's actually just too stupid to realise it.

Noone on here is thinking less of you for being in this position because you didn't put yourself here, he put you here. This is 100% on him.

My heart is breaking for you I'm sending you virtual hugs.

It may not be appropriate in your situation but is his mum/dad in the picture and do you have enough of a relationship with her where you could lift the phone to his parents? I love my son to death but I'd also be near ready to end him if he treated his pregnant wife like this and I'd definitely be prepared to lay the situation crystal clear for him. Though I'd also hope ds would be reared well enough to know not to act in this way.

Even the fact you're this upset and he's still prioritising himself by leaving you and heading out. You say he's packing- is this for ibiza or for his night out tonight? My ex is a twat as we've established but he wasn't even drinking by this point incase I needed anything.

At the end of the day, you don't need to make any big decisions right now. All you need to do is now take him out of the equation mentally and from here on in you decide what YOU need in order to bring your wee baby safely into the world. If that's going to stay with your mum and transferring there then you do that, if its identifying a different birth partner, then you do that. In this scenario the only person who's needs are important right now are yours. If he fits into that then great but if he doesn't then op, you are more than strong enough to do this without him as have many women who've gone before. Speak to your midwife about other antenatal classes to help YOU feel prepared. When I did mine I was genuinely shocked that there were only 3 dads in a class of 12 in them so it's unlikely you'll be the only woman attending by herself.

I think you need to now mentally shut this down for yourself and let him make whatever decisions he's going to make and you focus on you and baby. He can be a complete twat but he does not get to mentally torture you with this back and forth shit until the day of the flight. So step yourself right back from it and focus on you. Do you have a friend who could be your birth partner if needed who lives close enough to you? Or who would drive you up to your mums?

Once baby arrives they will be the centre of your whole world and your husband will need to get nice and comfy in second place. He can start getting used to that that adjustment now.

This. He already knows your feelings and you shouldn't have to tell him to stay. If he diyes stay, his family n friends won't think any less of him and he'll think that he's done what you've wanted, whilst he's missed out - especially if the baby does not come in that time.

Let him go and tell him it's over when he gets back. And I would put him on the birth certificate but wouldn't be using his surname.

You are stronger than you think and you'll have your mum. I think in the long run you'll find it easier doing it alone than with this selfish man-child

I don't think you can get past this even if he doesn't go.
YANBU, he shouldn't want to go.

My DH missed our 1st as he was born at 36 weeks and 5 days by emergency CS as I suddenly developed preeclampsia at 36 weeks.
He was away with work (not by choice) and was only allowed 4 weeks off, so he'd originally booked to be off from the 38th week.
As soon as I was admitted to hospital, treated and then told I was stable, we talked and I said things would be okay and I'd see him as planned, but he still changed his flight to the earliest reasonably priced one he could get (5 days away).

On day 4, the doctors said I was well enough to be discharged the next morning as things seemed to be improving.

That night, though, things suddenly deteriorated very rapidly, and as soon as he knew what was happening he drove to the nearest airport and tried to get a flight.
The earliest he could find was for 6am the next day, and even though it cost a fortune and I was telling him to just catch his already booked flight at 7pm that next day, he booked it and got to me as quick as he could.

I had my family with me so I wasn't alone.

Unfortunately, the drugs they'd given me to try to stabilise me and avoid surgery didn't work and I was rushed in for a CS at 8am, so he ended up missing the birth by about 2 hours, but at least he tried.

I guess the point I'm making is that he didn't miss it deliberately and even though I said I'd be fine alone, he wanted to be there for us and did what he could to make sure that happened, which did make me feel cherished/ important, and that's what your husband should be doing.

Whereas in reality, he doesn't seem to be bothered; it's all about his wants and his needs, and he's trying to guilt you into agreeing with him.

Think back to whether or not he's shown these traits before, and you've ignored it? Especially as you've said he sulks, so I can imagine you might try to avoid that. If it is a pattern of behaviour, he's unlikely to change.

So sorry. Hope you're OK. 💐

Think back to whether or not he's shown these traits before, and you've ignored it? Especially as you've said he sulks, so I can imagine you might try to avoid that. If it is a pattern of behaviour, he's unlikely to change.

BTW, I don't mean this in a victim blaming way.

We're all guilty of looking the other way at times, especially if it makes life easier. This is more so you can decide if it's worth fixing. If this is completely new behaviour, it might be something you can work through with help, but if it's a pattern of behaviour, he won't change, so you need to decide what you can live with.

Neither choice is easy, and I'm so sorry he's put you in this position, when it should be such a happy time, which brings you closer as a couple 🌻

What an absolutely shit situation for you to be in, and the worst possible time for you to realise who he is and what he’s made of. I’m so sorry. Please be completely honest with your mum and your friends; you’ll need their support in the next few months.

I wouldn’t say another word about wanting him to be there. I’d tell him to have a wonderful time, to enjoy every minute and really make the trip count. And the second his flight took off, I’d empty every penny from any joint accounts you hold, pack his stuff in bin bags and get your mum to help you drop it either at his parents home, or at the home of the groom. If he wasn’t enough of a man to stand up to his friends and say ‘are you mad? Of course you can’t come to Ibiza. You’re just about to be a father’ then he can deal with the consequences of that.

And when he inevitably phones you to ask you what on earth you think you’re doing, you tell him that you’ve moved him out of the house and you can sort out visitation and maintenance payments when he comes back, as you don’t want to ruin his trip. Please tell him that he is not ready to be a husband. He is certainly not ready to be a father and he is not good enough to be in a relationship with you.

It wasn’t that he was packing to leave was it?

If he’s packing tell him to pack for a month. You’ll call him when he’s a father.