To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

So my 1st child was 2 weeks early (18 days to be exact). My DGC was 13 days early.

I know plenty of people whose 1st babies were early.

He knows very little obviously.

38 weeks is too close. He needs to be there for you.

Can you go to your parents or can your mum come over whilst he is away?

He thinks I’m making a fuss over nothing, but what if baby does come early and he misses everything?

Thats not the right question. It reads like you’re putting him first, his feelings, what he might miss etc…
The question here is ‘What if I go into Labour whilst he is away and I end up giving birth on my own. With no support all’?
Because I can promise you, you’re not going to forgive him putting his wish for a 4 days part ahead of you giving birth,

This!

Why are you having a baby with this man who treats you so abominably?

My heart is through my boots for you, OP. What an absolute shit of a man. Wishing you and baby a happy, healthy future without this POS man-child.

Ask him how he will feel if if his baby is born whilst he is there and he misses it? Your not being unreasonable I would have gone mad. First babies are not always late 2 out of 3 of my babies were early.

His wife and his unborn child should be his priority. His ‘best’ friend should/would recognise that too and wouldn’t expect him to make the stag on that date.
If the friend doesn’t see an issue and expects your husband to go (and we know your husband already clearly does) then you’re in the wrong company and Im afraid its not going to get any better, not when the men are all on the same wavelength. Birds of a feather and all that.
If I was you, I’d tell my husband he can’t go. If he did anyway, I’d be gone by the time he was home because I’d not be staying with a man who didn’t put our child at the top of his priorities (and I’d secretly be hoping to give birth without him, to prove a point and make him realise what an idiot he was)

Not helpful. And as she's already said, she didn't think he was like this.

Let him go. Find another birth partner. He’s shown you his true colours so it’s time to take care of yourself, this may be what the future holds. Sorry.

This.

I also married a massive man child who felt that drinking with his friends was the priority. Worse actually, they were our mutual friends and we had a very active social life. I was the first of the group to fall pregnant by a good couple of years, so my social life pretty much came to a halt (other than the odd Sunday roast with baby in tow) whilst he carried on drinking with our friends every weekend. I knew this would be the case as I knew what he was like, but it irked that nights out and hangovers were his choice while I was left (literally) holding the baby. Any attempt by me to ask for more consideration and family time were met with similar “trying to ruin my life” and “resent me having fun” type of BS.

We are not married anymore.

Oh and both my babies came early. One 18 days early and one 10 days early.

Your DH is a massive dickwad who is not ready for the sacrifice that having children entails. You can divorce him now, or in a few years. IME he is unlikely to change.

Definitely wouldn't be comfortable with it in your position. Also had my first at 38 weeks. If it's really his best mate, surely they would consider what timing suits him?

It’s in a few weeks? And only just booked… that’s suspicious. Is there a chance he’s already fully committed to going on this stag do and not told you?

My first baby came at 37+1. No prior warning, pre eclampsia hit overnight/morning of 37 weeks, I was induced that evening and the baby arrived by 2am. When the baby arrived he needed special care for 5 days, I needed emergency D&C then 5L of blood over 3 days. I would have very little, if any, respect for a man that had his priorities so stunningly out of whack.
Again, there was no warning, pregnancy was textbook until then.

YANBU

All my babies were 'early'.

He's being selfish and sounds like he's not ready to prioritise family and children over himself. Good luck with him.

But (genuine question) what about the significant risk the baby arrives while he is away?

This. I get through FOMO thing too, but best he gets used to it his life is about to be all about FOMO

I’d drop the rope. Let him go. Tell him if he misses the birth of his firstborn that’s on him. His entire family and friends will know that he ditched you and his baby to be a pathetic man-child teenager in Ibiza. And that you’ve lost all respect for him and while he’s away you’ll be spending the time reevaluating your future together.

What a wanker, that’s way to close but if he is adamant on going then I would make him drive me the 8hr round trip to my mums so if you do go into labour at least you’ll have your mum, then he can do the 8hr round trip back to pick you up. I wouldn’t forgive him if he missed the birth and I would be telling him that while he’s away I will be evaluating the marriage and wether I can continue with it knowing that the safety of me and the baby come after his friends and fun.

You can't tell him nor to do anything. You can however say how you feel about it. Is your mum available if you did go into labour early?

@VickyEadieofThigh I guess in that case she would have to do the same as single mothers do all the time, not everyone has a partner organising their transport.

it's a risk but chances are it will be OK. If he was working in another city it would be the same issue if labour was very fast, yes I know it would take a few hours longer to get home from Ibiza and there is a chance he will miss the birth, but most fathers including those that travel for work dont just give up at 38 weeks to sit and home and wait for labour. If baby comes early it's really shit for everyone involved, but it's still not likely to happen.

It Impossible to know when babies turn up a lot of people I know were over more like 41 weeks but that’s not the poin

If he insists on going can you get your mum to stay with you? Forget about him for now, you and baby are more important. You can deal with hi and how much of a fucking disappointment he is later m

If he misses the birth he will regret it he will has he thought about that what if? Because he is taking a big gamble here.

Don’t get me wrong god I would be fuming if H has tried to pull this one but if he was being a prize selfish prick then I would concentrate efforts to me and baby and get something in place in case you do go into labour

Can you go and stay with your mum and have your baby there? Is she helpful and supportive?

Honestly, this should be such a happy and exciting time for you but his behaviour has ruined it and made you anxious and scared. That is utterly unforgivable. I couldn't get past this selfish behaviour.

Are you serious? The OP has said that she has nobody close by to call on in an emergency. He is actually putting his wife and child in danger. What should be the most precious day in a parent's life lost in favour of a booze up with your mates?
Talk about misplaced priorities.

I’d just let him go and tell
him that if he misses the birth don’t bother coming back and I would absolutely stick to that.