To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

My first came at 36 weeks, my second at 37 weeks. No issues with the pregnancy, babies decide when they’re ready 🤷‍♀️

Your husband is an absolute arsehole! You are NOT his priority, your child is NOT his priority. His mates come first, and I suspect always have done and always will.

He won’t change - and even if you do, somehow, manage to get him to stay, he’ll sulk about it and make you feel utterly shit. Is this how you see your life?

You now have to decide how to proceed with this, knowing how far down his list you and your child will be.

The problem is even if he doesn't go (because you have 'made' him stay home) you'll know that he doesn't want to be at home he wants to be in Ibiza.

Isn't it? Just so depressing. He can act like this and she just has to go along with it? Calling her paranoid and controlling, saying she's ruining his life. What a complete shit. Why do some women think this is ok?

There is definitely a big difference between the type of man who would never want to go and possibly miss out on the birth, nor if it made his wife anxious (as that is risky in itself), vs this type of man your DH seems to be showing you.
The only excuse would be if the trip was booked before you were pregnant and he feels some loyalty to this mate. However, even then, a decent man would want to make sure your mother or a close friend was there and on call and that you were OK with it and not worried about it.

I mean what type of man risks one of the most important life events for a piss up with mates? And his relationship with his wife. The fact you are not happy about this and he is gaslighting you tells it all.

There is no way my DP would have considered this. YANBU.

@TheSandgroper christ is that really necessary FFS!

I would let him make his own choices. They will impact your choice making down the line.
I'm not sure I could forgive my partner for missing the birth of our child on purpose.

I would seriously tell him that if he wants to go then he needn't bother coming back. Make it clear that you won't be calling him if you go into labour because he's made his choice about what's more important. What a selfish pig he really is.

Agree. It’s appalling. He sounds like a selfish manchild.

Too close!

Well I had to be induced with my one and only child at 38 weeks due to pre eclampsia. He sounds a bit of a fool to me. He just wants to be one of the boys and as someone who is in his 30s, I find it a bit sad he hasn’t formed his own identity yet or is able to understand the significance of being a father. My worry is that even if he did go on this trip and everything is fine, it’s a bit worrying how he sees his role in your family going forward. I suspect he wants his life to carry on unchanged and you will have to bend over backwards to pretty much parenting solo. Any requests to step up will be met with you’re trying to control me etc etc. I’m not sure what the answer is. But I hope you’re doing ok x

I think in your position I’d slightly change the narrative. Rather than asking him not to go, I’d tell him very clearly and calmly that if the baby comes or anything happens whilst he’s away, you will never forgive him and that’ll basically be the end of your relationship. That he is picking a lads weekend over his pregnant wife’s needs and to you that’s a massive red flag and one that will be hard to move past. The next stage is beautiful but really hard and he’s going to have to really prove to you that he’s grown up and accepted his new role not begrudgingly but because you both chose to bring a life into the world. That means sacrifice and clearly he has some thinking to do about his priorities.

Don’t tell him he can’t go. He needs to figure out, hopefully sooner rather than later, that it’s not all about him. He can call it guilt tripping if he wants but it’s just the consequences of him choosing the lads over his pregnant wife - you’re not going to just accept it.

What kind of privileged life has this man had to consider not spending 4 days in Ibiza as life ruining? Seriously!

OP is really in a mostly lose-lose situation here. He goes and she gives birth alone, she loses. He goes, she doesn’t give birth and he’s all high and mighty that he didn’t give birth and when the next stag do appears he gets to go because everything was fine last time, she loses. He doesn’t go, she doesn’t give birth, he wishes he had gone and carries on about it, she loses.

I'd be fine with it but then dh was useless at my first labour so I banned him from the second one.

I'd also reserve all naming rights if he's fucked off to Ibiza when the birth happens

I love a party/drink/weekend away but it's always been discussed and agreed with DH, and vice versa.

Some threads on here are ridiculous about parents having time apart with friends. As though their whole social life comes to a halt for 18 years.

However, I think your DH is taking the piss OP. 38 weeks is far too near to be buggering off to Ibiza. How could he possibly relax and enjoy it knowing you're at home waiting to give birth to his child ... madness.

Yes I thought the same!

I would just let him go. He shouldn’t want to go but he has made his feelings clear. Can your mum come and stay? If I went into labour whilst he was away I’m not sure I would even bother telling him. He will be a mess for days after a stag do Ibiza.

Christ what a loser. So sorry you're married to this prick. I promise you there are better men out there.

If he insists on going then I would consider the relationship over tbh as he obviously doesn't give a shit about you or the baby, or he is too stupid and immature to be a dad. Neither are good.

What is your relationship like with your MIL? Could she talk some sense into your DH? It's bad that it has to come to his mother telling him off like he's a child but it might give him a bit of a wake up call. If that doesn't work then I would be telling him to not come back from his precious stag do and I'd be going to stay with your mother to have the baby so at least someone will actually be around to support you.

Presumably he or his best mate organised this trip within the last 9 months. Could it not have been earlier? YANBU. Not by any stretch. I can't believe he's even had the audacity to ask if it's still alright to leave you to it and go. The fact he's trying to manipulate you into thinking this is normal is astonishing. I'm so sorry - what a worry

I fear you’ll bear the brunt of this, he sounds like he will resent you if he doesn’t go and nothing happens while the stag do is happening, or if he goes on the stag and nothing happens he will be such an obnoxious arse because he was “right” and will likely use this as his measuring stick for what he wants in future.

But if you do go into labour early or god forbid something happens that stag weekend and he’s not with you, you won’t ever forgive him or forget it.

I really feel for you in this situation. His reaction to your request is dramatic and over the top, he’s coming across as very selfish.

Perhaps you should have a joint conversation with a Dr about travel. I assume you might have some upcoming appointments anyway? It's very likely the doctor will recommend he stays local. It's enough that you feel anxious - that is enough and don't doubt it. It's not like you'll be 24 weeks, you'll be full term!

I have 4 children and all 4 came early.
I never even made it to 38 weeks in any of my pregnancies!
You are not being unreasonable at all, your husband needs to grow up!!

In your situation, the first thing I would do is pack your hospital bag and get the car seat ready. Ask him if he's sure he knows how to install the car seat etc, suggest he packs a bag of things for himself that might be useful - spare t-shirt, phone charger etc. He needs to understand the reality of having a baby.

I'm afraid he has to decide for himself not to go or he will resent you.

( I've been in your situation OP - he did grow up when the baby arrived)

I think his response of ruining his life is ridiculous. But as someone who finds the hardest thing about parenthood the lack of freedom and independence, I think a last trip before the baby arrives is generally a good idea.

All of his mates wives are fine with it. Are they all 38 weeks pregnant too? He doesn't seem to understand the difference between leaving you to go on a stag do and leaving you at 38 weeks to go on a stag do
Is it possible your mum can come and stay with you while DH is away? I know it's not the same but at least you'd have support which sadly you can't rely on DH for.
Do you think he's maybe freaking out a bit now the birth is so close? It seems weird he'd go from super involved to total twat otherwise. I just wonder if he's thinking I've got to have fun because I never will again(which isn't true).
That doesn't mean it's acceptable for him to go away. I might go as far as telling him I would never get over the fact he put getting pissed before you and your baby. Does he know more father's to be would have already given up drinking at this stage incase their partner needs to go to hospital?
You can't stop him going but I'd be really disappointed in him.