To cut holiday short

[ToddlerSleep]

I’m on a very child friendly fully catered 4-night UK break with DS 6 (nearly 7) and DS just turned 4, and I’m not coping with their behaviour. DH is a great and involved dad and couldn’t come due to work. We knew this would be the case and therefore chose this particular place as there’s so much for children to do and should in theory have worked. We are due to go home on Friday, but WIBU to go home tomorrow? Below is a snapshot of 6 hours of my day and it’s been like this from morning til night since Monday. Have I brought them up badly? Or is this just normal behaviour from them and I am being a useless parent? Please be gentle with me. It’s day 3 and I’m now in tears.

I had two more 1-night trips planned with them in the summer holidays and I have told them we are no longer doing them due to their behaviour. I am regretting doing this holiday and had I known beforehand how they would behave, there’s no way I would have done it.

It’s absolutely relentless. I put in clear boundaries and follow through with consequences eg taking away toys, time out, missing activities that we had planned, and it has no impact. They say sorry and it won’t happen again, and 5 mins later it happens again.

1. In the morning they have to be asked several times to please take their pyjamas off, please come brush your teeth, please put your socks on etc.
2. while this is taking place, DS6 won’t stop teasing DS4 despite being told several times to stop. DS4 gets upset, I have to step in.
3. DSs then refuse to put their shoes on themselves, they are too tired, it’s too hard etc. I stand my ground and in the end stand outside the flat and tell them to just get on with it.
4. We walk to breakfast (2 mins away) and DS6 is teasing DS4 again
5. We get to the dining room and there’s an argument about who will sit with whom
6. I get them their drinks and then go to get their food. When I’m back with food I find that DS4 has had an accident with his drink resulting in it spilt everywhere.
7. While eating there’s more teasing.
8. We walk back to our flat and there’s more teasing.
9. We get to our flat and there’s an argument about who will open the door.
10. We then go to an activity, more whinging about shoes, and there’s more teasing on the way. DS4 keeps running off as well to whatever takes his fancy on the way. I have to keep running after him so I don’t lose sight of him.
11. It’s now lunchtime and both say they are hungry but won’t eat the food I have for them and are whinging. It’s normally their favourite. DS4 keep running off, DS6 whinging about whatever.
12. We go to watch a show, which I know DS6 loves. DS6 constantly whinging he doesn’t want to see it and I had promised him we won’t see it (I never did), DS4 making whinging noises and I don’t know why.
13. Get to the show, whinging continues and now we also have an argument about who sits on which seat.
14. Show is over, kids had loved it, more teasing on the way back to the flat which I have to break up. DS4 keeps running off.
15. Another argument at the door about who will open it.
16. I need to repack my rucksack while DS6 keeps teasing DS4 and eventually he is lying on top of DS4 tickling him while DS4 is crying. I keep having to step in over and over again to break it up while trying to concentrate on my rucksack.
17. Off to the next activity 5 mins walk away. More whinging about them having to put on their shoes themselves. I realise when I get to the activity that I have forgotten something key to pack into my rucksack so we have to walk back.
18. DS4 was trailing behind us, then suddenly has disappeared and we can’t find him anywhere. 20 minutes of running around in tears trying to find him. Activity is now missed.
19. I want to go back to the flat, DSs just won’t listen and come with me, so it takes me 10 minutes to get them to move. DS4 again keep running off, DS6 is teasing again.
20. Once in the flat, DS4 has a 30 minute stand off to get undressed so I can shower him. DS6 also has to be asked 10 times but at least he does it.

Some of this is bad luck, some is about them being in an unfamiliar (even if lovely!) environment and acting out. Some ongoing issues?

It’s fine to go home.

If staying I would do things that make your life easier. Go to the pool/beach in the morning. Bring their water bottles if a drink at a table is likely to go wrong. Whining over shoes etc - just do it for them - I often use the wording, Will you do that yourself or am I doing it? - seems to motivate them and I get what I want either way.

I would have quite sharp words with the older one once the younger one is in bed / out of earshot - he wouldn’t like someone tickling/teasing/ whatever him if he was crying or had said no, so he doesn’t get to do it. If he doesn’t want to be treated like a baby and put on reins his listening needs to improve now, like this minute.

siblings always tease each other! Is there dad more assertive with them and so they’re pushing the boundaries with you? Unfortunately the more stressed you get the more they will play up. If you’re unhappy which you sound like you are, go home.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I was hoping after a good night’s sleep I would wake up feeling much better but to be honest I just feel so sad and I’m dreading the day.

My children love it here. All the things we have done, except one, have been based on what they have chosen. Most of the activities we are doing are them choosing a playground to go to or soft play, and one show a day, such as 20 minute puppet show. DS6 is very aware as we choose these things together. We have no time pressure, but I need to be on top of them if I want to have any hope of getting out. At home if I leave DS6 to it, it will take him 2 hours to get dressed and I want to keep it to under an hour so I don’t lose my sanity. Yesterday afternoon / evening we stayed indoors and they were upset not to be out playing.

I have only repacked my rucksack once since we got here and only needed 10 minutes for it.

I have clear rules in place. Eg the door, we take it in turns and I tell them whose turn it is as we approach the door but then the whinging starts and the negotiations eg I know it’s the others turn but can I hold the key card? Can I push the door handle down? Can I shut the door? They get a firm no but I am exhausted from constantly holding strong boundaries.

They do understand the concept of time and going home a day early, and they were upset when I packed our suitcase and started to load the car to get ready to go home today. It did not stop the behaviour. DS4 ran off in the car park while I had my hands full.

I am exhausted from the conversations I keep having to have about expectations. I don’t know how often I have spoken to DS6 about not teasing DS4, or to DS4 about not running off. During one of the many conversations I had yesterday evening with DS6 he goes and sits on DS4’s head. And that was after we had done the packing. There’s just no self awareness and it doesn’t seem to be going into his head. Likewise DS4 runs off within 5 minutes of yet another conversation about not running off.

I really want to go home, but also worry I will regret it. The things that they were looking forward to doing the most were planned for today and we can only do them here.

Although I’m having to decipher your reply 🤯, I do agree with the one thing I could actually read - baby reins!

Keep going on the holiday. Tell your dh that he will be in charge for a week or so to look after the kids for a set time in the future. Look for a place to stay where you can rest and relax.

Oh poor you, look at the time and you’re already dreading the thought of today. I would pack the car so they know you’re dead serious about going home early, say to them you’ve got one chance to buck your ideas up or we’re going home and as soon as they start pushing there luck take them home! Make sure the older one knows you’re going home because of his behaviour. Good luck mummy. 😊

I'd go home. You have asked repeatedly, will be painful to do but may be worth it to set expectations for the future.

I'd just put their shoes on for them if it stopped the whining. Every time 6 year old picks on 4 year old stop that X you are not being kind. Maybe going from 1 activity to another is too much for them. Give them a bit more down time. Put 4 years old on reins to stop him running off and tell him if he runs off it means he's not old enough to be off reins.

I think you need a combination of picking fewer battles, and strong consequences for some types of behaviour. 6yo teasing would be a removal from the activity. Only needs to be 5 minutes, but it does need to happen. Wheras getting dressed, I'd help them or turn it into a game. They won't become teen delinquents from being helped getting dressed, wheras they could become unpleasant humans if they tease all the time.

I'd pack the car too, give them one chance today, and if they fall short, take them home.

I’d keep it simple. 6 year old teases, a firm stop, you won’t get x when we go out if this continues. Praise any good behaviour. Use a timer, taking an hour to get ready is crazy (2 hours at home!)
4 year old has to hold your hand until
he can act like a big boy and not run off. He has to hold your hand at all times.
Hope it gets better today.

I honestly can’t imagine this behaviour has popped up out of nowhere just on holiday. I’m guessing you see it at home but don’t notice it as much because they’re at school/nursery and maybe you are not their main parent at weekends. You have to put the work in all year round, every day, to enjoy the wonderful holiday times, so this may have come as a bit of a shock to you. Frankly, they just sound bored, and that’s when the trouble starts. I can’t see that going home early will change things - although you might be able to get on top of their behaviour better within your own home & familiar surroundings. Try to avoid threats in the future (cancelling other treats) - consequences need to be immediate, short, proportionate. Good luck!

Honestly it sounds like you’re giving them a lot of rope. Your child is openly defying you if he’s sitting on your other child when you’re speaking to him.

Id really stop with conversations, explanations etc, they already know why they shouldn’t be doing X or whose turn it is to do Y. At the first sign of whining I’d be saying “that’s enough”, no long explanation or request (because you’ve done all of that) just a simple instruction to stop. Not a request, think about how you use your tone of voice - not necessarily shouting but a tone that says you’re taking no nonsense from them.

And then take no nonsense. They’ve already seen you start packing, at that point that would be it, I’d be getting in the car and going home because for me to get to where I’m packing up their behaviour is too far gone for another chance.

When I was a kid and I acted like this, my arse would have been skelped and the behaviour would immediately stop, not to be repeated. I never smacked my own children and don’t believe in it, but fuck me, I wish these days there was a deterrent as effective 🤣

I definitely think a bloody good bollocking is in order though.

I think you need to anticipate some of the stuff a bit. If the 4 year old is going to run off then he is either holding your hand, on reins, strapped in car seat whatever…
assume he is going to run off and stop
him in his tracks - it’s a game for him now. O

I have clear rules in place. Eg the door, we take it in turns and I tell them whose turn it is as we approach the door but then the whinging starts and the negotiations eg I know it’s the others turn but can I hold the key card? Can I push the door handle down? Can I shut the door? They get a firm no but I am exhausted from constantly holding strong boundaries.

You need to ditch the democracy and move to a benign dictatorship. If that’s a cause of squabbles, it doesn’t happen - you’re opening the door and that’s that. Same with the teasing. I’d just cut off DS6 as soon as it starts with a firm “stop it”. It sounds to me like they are jostling for position a bit (if that makes sense) - I think you need to make clear that there’s one person in charge and that’s you. I was a bit “sergeant major-ish” with my kids at times, but they knew I wouldn’t stand for any scrapping and squabbling and a stern “enough” would cut it off at the pass. I also think a cross reaction in the moment is more effective; are you sure they “got” that they weren’t playing out because of their behaviour during the day, or had they forgotten and moved on and therefore that seemed (to them) like a pretty arbitrary consequence?

Hope things improve - you do sound rather exhausted, which is a shame if it’s something that’s supposed to be fun.

Can you send them off to a kid’s club at this place?

Ah bless you I think lots of us have had holidays like this. It can be that they are fine at home and for a combination of reasons much much more tricky in holiday. Give yourself credit for what you tried to do here and plan something you’re looking forward to even if its just a cuppa and a programme once they are in bed. I would just put their clothes on them in order to get out if its really annoying you. Once home do a reward chart or similar to get back on track with doing it themselves
I would also try to get some 1:1 time with each of them, in my experience this can drastically reduce the squabbling and teasing. So for example one of them watches tv with a nice snack in one room (make it fun, not a punishment at all) and the other does a puzzle or game with you for 30 mins then swap. Hard when you’re away but maybe worth a try.

You have my sympathies because you’re describing my life, except my two are 14 & 12 and yes it is exhausting.

However, my two are both neurodivergent.

The “teasing” is more like dopamine seeking - knowing they shouldn’t do it and wanting to be good for mummy, but seeking a reaction from the other for excitement and even when told not to, the impulse to do it is too strong. The other child is then super-reactive and all hell breaks loose. So child one gets their dopamine, child two explodes, reacts and retaliates and child one responds and so on.

This is my life. It’s not bad behaviour, it’s dysregulation.

I’m not diagnosing your child here btw just offering an alternative consideration, among all the chat of behaviour and punishment.

However, several things you’ve said, including the running away and the suggestion that the teasing is compulsive, suggest to me that this is with at least considering.

anyway, in your shoes yes I would go home early so you all have the opportunity to decompress and relax in your own safe space.

edited to add: all that stuff about controlling how the door is opened etc sounds very much like my child two who has Pathological Demand Avoidance, or as PDA is sometimes termed, Pervasive Drive for Automony. Check out At Peace Parents on Facebook or insta for some info about what this looks like in real life.

Really agree with this, sounds very much like your kids are over stimulated by it all. Behaviour you describe suggests this, not a reflection of you as a parent at all. See it through a different lens OP and it will help you a lot to manage it differently. Sounds like they are better suited to much more low key holidays away, less transitions to doing things all day. An air bnb with a pool and trips out for an icecream, being able to just potter about playing and grownups to take them off places individually to lessen the squabbles until they are older. Cut the holiday short and all spend time back at home chilling! X

I so feel for you OP. I would echo a lot of what’s already been said but also ask whether the boys could be missing their Dad? Is this the first time you have taken them on holiday alone?
I have wonderful memories of childhood holidays but it definitely wasn’t always wonderful for my folks! DM told me about a holiday in Wales when I was about 5 & I just would not do as I was told the whole week. She & DF could cheerfully have strangled me!

If they’re taking 2 hours to get ready at home and now you need them up and out in their eyes the goalposts have changed. Explain once that they need to get ready and then literally walk them through it so “ put your pants on now, that’s great now your socks etc” and if they don’t do that step do it for them.

More generally I’d think about what works for them separately. I think sometimes we’re so focussed on treating kids the same way for consistency we don’t realise that what works for one doesn’t work for the other.

My two are completely different personalities and need very different approaches. My DS responds to explanation and negotiation, my DD just needs to know what she needs to do - explanations in the moment distract and confuse her so we talk things through at a time that I don’t need her to do something immediately and refer back eg “remember we spoke about going X today, I need you to get ready now”.

Like @Theroadt i suspect their behaviour isn’t new but at home you have ways of dealing with it, are distracted etc and have just found a way. That may be working for you day to day but you need to get on top of it now because once they’re bigger, and their behaviour becomes more tricky it’ll be much harder to get on top of.

I mean.... this kinda just sounds like my day to day life at home. They're young kids. Let them be kids and get on with it! Yes try to stop the older one teasing however you might do that, but this sounds pretty standard days to me with a 7 & 4 year old.
It's true that being away just means looking after them in a different location.

From their perspective they’re in a strange place and everyone misses daddy. Sounds like everyone might rather be at home.

Tough op. Been there; but add my mum to the mix judging!!! That was a non repeatable situation!!! Young kids are awful on holiday, and these ones are sensing you’re solo and taking the piss. I’d go home, chalk it up, get a gin and whinge the arse off hubby. They’ll be fine once they’re teens…trust me. 🤣🤣🤣😱