To ask if you’d want your husband to remarry if you passed before him?

[ForPeachDreamer]

If you were to pass away before your husband, would you want him to remarry and find love again or would the idea make you uncomfortable? Some people say they’d want their spouse to be happy and not spend the rest of their life alone. Others feel the thought of being “replaced” is unsettling, even if they wouldn’t be around to see it.

I’m curious, do you have strong feelings about this? Would you give your blessing in advance or do you think some people move on too quickly?

We’ve discussed this and we both feel we won’t want to remarry (for different reasons). I think stability and no major changes for the child are more important than an adults ‘happiness’ in this situation (assuming the child isn’t an adult)

I see this from multiple viewpoints. My DF remarried when I was 21 and his second marriage has been much happier for him than his first. He's now 92 and living with dementia, looked after very lovingly by his second wife who has been married to him for almost 50 years. I have half-sibs I really don't know, but whom I would like to know much better. Very recently, his wife and I have started to email to stay in touch because he cannot have many years left. I am nearly 70, my half sibs are 50 plus, and none of them have met my child. He's never met his grandfather, and now isn't likely to.

Yes. My DH is what used to be called "the marrying kind". He functions best when he's part of a couple, and I have no doubt that he'd be holding auditions for my replacement, with my blessing, before I was cold.

I don't intend to remarry if DH predeceases me. I'm also good at being married and DH is the centre of my world, but starting over again with an old man sounds like more bother than it's worth, and most widowed/divorced men in their fifties and sixties are supposedly looking for women in their twenties rather than women of their own age.

I’d want him to remarry, but would prefer he waited until I went cold first! I’d want him to be very mindful of our kids feelings.

Without a doubt I'd want him to find love again. He always says he wouldn't, because no one would live up to me, but I don't think he'd be happy single forever.

It would need to be someone who really loved our dc though if they were still a minor.

I actually had a dream once that I died, but before I did I told DH exactly who his second wife should be (and it's someone we know in real life! I told him and he didn't sound keen!)

Sadly, it has happened many times.
I have 100's of threads over the years from the children of men people who remarried and their inheritance gets lost in the new marriage.
If you and your DH truly want to protect your DC assets, agree to both leave 50% of your assets directly to the children in a trust, should the worst happen.

My SIL has been a right bitch since the first day we met. Breast cancer has understandably made it worse. My lovely BIL has had a tough marriage and a difficult few years with the illness. I really hope he will meet someone to enjoy his 50s with.

I've done 30 years with DH, I'll never take another bloke on. DH will inevitably move on to a younger model who will enjoy his DIY skills and ignore his lack of emotional bandwidth.

Of course I would want him to be happy, but not at the expense of DC's inheritance!

Both DC are adults now which makes it easier. Our main asset is the house so we have recently redone our Wills so that eg if I die first, my share of the house goes to the DC, but DH can live in it during his lifetime.

DH is a sociable chap and I wouldn't want him to live alone.

Yes, if he wanted to.

Id want him to be happy, and anyway, I’d be cold and dead so what would it matter what he did?

Do you have kids, property? Any thoughts on protecting your half of things if you have kids should he marry again?

So many posters keep saying I'd be dead why would I care. Well, if you have kids they'd care if dad brought a girlfriend home 3months after your sad demise.

I would expect DH to have another relationship and be happy but I wouldn’t want him to remarry. I want my money (which will go to him) to be protected so it eventually passes to our children and not his new partner.

What if the "major change" is also in the best interests of the children? Mine were tiny when my husband died, and even though it was a few years later, they were still very young when I got together with my new husband. Him coming into our lives has been a huge benefit for all of us. After we married he adopted my children. He is their father legally as well as practically, and they have two loving parents who love each other. What can be better than that?

I wouldn't care, because I'd be dead

What is the saying? “ women grieve,men replace”

I guess a man ,usually , has always had a woman in his life..mother then partner.

Which is YABU and which is YANBU?

In any case, you'll be dead what do you care? I mean if you were married to a Hindu in historical times and they died you got burned alive on the funeral pyre… shall we go back down that route?

Mine too. hug

My DH always used to talk about the man I'd meet next, if he went first: 'Fabio', an ambiguously European toyboy who would accompany me on luxurious travels to fabulous places (and, quite honestly, seemed like he'd be a bit too fabulous for middle-aged me to keep up with) - but of course DH's point was that he wanted me to have fun and be happy and carefree, not sit around being grief-stricken and miserable. If I had gone first I wouldn't have wanted him to be alone or unhappy even for a nanosecond. One example though which was a bit too far-out for me was a friend whose wife of 25 years, who'd always been the caretaker in the relationship, had a terminal disease. About a year before she died, she started a campaign for him to have a new partner already in place, and she invited several likely candidates to come and spend time with them so she could vet them. He actually tried to follow her instructions and got together with one of them, but it didn't work out - ironically, because he was grieving which didn't make for a great new relationship.

I tell him I'd want him to sit home crying forever but he knows I'd want him to be happy and I'm just joking.

My husband died in 2012. He was 50 I was 48. We never discussed it. He had a brain tumour so was not the man I married for many years before his death. He was ill most of my children's childhood. Very hard.
I thought I'd never meet anyone and never thought I'd get married but 6 years on I was missing the companionship of a relationship and a good hug.
I met my now husband 7 years ago and we have been married for 3 years. He's a wonderful man and I realise how much I lost as someone whose husband was ill for 12 years of. 28 year relationship.

Absolutely. He’s such a good guy someone else deserves him! As long as she’s a good person too

stayathomegardener
Can you tell me what kind of trust you have in place? Thanks.

You possibly, may remain so.

We’re both fairly ancient now. I wouldn’t mind him finding another partner, but I wouldn’t want him marrying anyone else, who could then exercise her right to a hefty whack of his assets, if he died first. Those assets are ultimately intended for our dds, nobody else.

And I know of a case where some gold-digging bitch got her claws into a man with early dementia, married him and got him to change his will entirely in her favour. And it was a substantial estate.
The mere thought of that gives me the horrors. I’d have to come back and haunt any such woman, scare the pants off her. 😈

I wouldn’t mind if DH remarried and even had more kids, just as long as our disabled son is looked after. I would absolutely not remarry. DH is my second husband and I would be overjoyed to be on my own with DS. My DH has lots of rich friends and all our money was his so he will have to decide what is best. If he married one of his wealthy spinster mates I wouldn’t mind! He has put up with me for years, he deserves some joy the poor man!

I would definitely prefer he had waited till I was dead before finding a new girlfriend.

Noooooo!
If he did I’d do a Blithe Spirit 😂
I’d want him to be miserable but he’d probably play golf every day and be joyful.