To ask if you’d want your husband to remarry if you passed before him?

[ForPeachDreamer]

If you were to pass away before your husband, would you want him to remarry and find love again or would the idea make you uncomfortable? Some people say they’d want their spouse to be happy and not spend the rest of their life alone. Others feel the thought of being “replaced” is unsettling, even if they wouldn’t be around to see it.

I’m curious, do you have strong feelings about this? Would you give your blessing in advance or do you think some people move on too quickly?

I'd be dead, so I wouldn't care. I wouldn't instigate this topic with him either, his life after me would be his to live, as would mine be should be go first. But I will say I know a man who clearly absolutely loved his wife who died, and who absolutely loves his wife now. You can just see it. There's nothing to be gained from comparing those big loves of his life.

I can’t imagine being upset at the idea of my DH finding someone else after I’m gone. I love him and would want him to be happy and not lonely. I know I can trust him to put the needs of our 2 DDs (16 and 13) first.

My DH and I had discussed this and both said we'd like each other to find someone else if it happened.

We have 5 children aged 22, 20, 14, 11 and 6.

He died 12 weeks ago.

I can't imagine wanting another serious relationship in the future and I certainly wouldn't be thinking of living with someone else until my youngest is an adult.

Tbh the thought of any relationship makes me sick but I'm aware it's very early days and who knows how I'll cope with widows fire if or when it hits but the thought of no sex for the rest of my life, at 40, doesn't appeal at all!

We've agreed neither of us would remarry for this reason.

Also I don't want to cook, clean or have the bother of another man permanently in my life.

I'm okay about socialising, maybe holidaying I think if he's easy going and good company. But I'm in a different age bracket to some on here. If I was young again with children I might have considered it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My older husband after surgery, well there was no more sex. That was tough , it's the closeness I think.

Until you have been in this situation I don't think you can possibly judge. I was widowed with very young children when I was in my 20s. Initially I thought I would never marry again, wouldn't want to, but as it happens a few years later I met someone and we ended up getting married. He hasn't replaced my first husband and our relationships are completely separate. I love him deeply, as I loved my first husband deeply, and it's hard now to imagine having stayed single for the rest of my life.

My first husband and I never discussed what we thought would happen if one of us were to pass away, but I know that he would be glad that I had found happiness again, and that my children had a father. Of course the idea of my husband finding love again and remarrying if I was to die isn't something I like to think about, I would much rather he did though, if it brings joy to his life, than him remaining single for no good reason than to "honor my memory" or some such rubbish.

And this is exactly why you can’t rely on your spouses word! know someone who recently remarried at the age of 90. Lovely for them I’m sure but if you are serious about putting your children’s interests first, you need to have a will drawn up leaving your share of the house etc to your children or else it will default to your spouse and then to their new spouse if they do t make a will upon remarrying,

So sorry to hear this. I certainly couldn't imagine getting married again 12 weeks after I lost my husband. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do to get through each day at a time, and start to find moments of happiness when they come along - which they will. You never know - you might meet someone else eventually who you will want to spend the rest of your life with. I was surprised when it happened to me, and I have now been with my second husband way longer than I was with my first husband. But my first husband will always be precious to me and the sadness will never completely go away. My second husband is an amazing man who understands this.

You know when you have a second child and you think you couldn't possibly love them as much as your first? The amount of love you have expands and you love them both just as much, but differently. I have found the same experience with my two husbands. The incredible love and gratitude I have for my second husband does not take away, at all, from the love I had and still have for my first husband.

(Also, being celibate for the rest of my life didn't appeal to me at all either. Once I got to the point of thinking about that and before my now husband came long I thought I might like to find a FWB situation!)

Take care of yourself.

This!

I want him to be happy and not lonely, so he should do want he wants to. I won't look to remarry myself if my DH dies before me though.

I wouldn't mind DH finding love and companionship again.

I would very much mind him marrying again. It would leave the DC vulnerable legally and financially. I would not remarry in the same circumstances.

Thankfully he is smarter than that so I don't have to worry!

The more I think about it as well I would not want him having another woman in our house. Idk if that’s bad, but the idea of that actually pisses me off. I’m seething over a hypothetical situation now.

Ok, in all seriousness, I'm avoiding your question because there are genuine widow/widowers on this thread so I don't want to give a specific timeline of when would be ok to date again. I just wouldn't expect someone who really loved me to be able to move on very quickly, but ultimately would want them to be happy again someday. That's all I meant.

The thing is, you just don't know until you're actually in that situation.

First post nailed it.

to be honest I would expect him to give a resonable amount of time for our kids to grieve and come to terms with things first and possibly not ever move a new ‘step-mum‘ in to their home until they were ready. But then my will stipulates that my share of the house is the kids and he has the right to live there until he dies but not move any new partner in or he has to sell it / buy out their share of inheritance. I suppose that might seem mean but I don’t want someone else gaining property rights and stopping my children getting their rightful inheritance when both their parents have passed away.

Nope. I’d haunt him if he did… 😅

I think you need to be smarter than that too and ensure your will ring fences your inheritance for them not him so if he’s old and senile and taken advantage of they don’t lose everything as they still have your inheritance.

This might sound unreasonable but I wouldn't want him to remarry. As it turns out it's my DH who's passed and I'm the one left behind and there's absolutely no way there will ever be anyone else. I'd like to thing his feelings matched mine.

Nope id want him to mourn me everyday and have me stuffed and sit me next to him to watch the telly. If he wants a new girlfriend she would have to accept me too. Sat their watching and judging.

I don't have very strong feelings but if I shuffle off this mortal coil before DH, I'd like to put it on record that he has my blessing and encouragement to seek new happiness. We'[re both 70, and have one child, so the only limitation on this blessing, is provided our child inherits ahead of your new partner. Too few people understand that a marriage rewrites an earlier will. You make a new will before the wedding to protect your childrens' interests.

I wouldn't want him to marry because of the children's inheritance but he should be happy and find a partner if he wants. Ok I wouldn't actually like that but I would tell him that's what he should do.

Ultimately, I’d want him to be happy BUT I have already told him that if he is to remarry, besides the emotional side of needing them to love/be good to my children, he is to completely ring fence my children’s inheritance and absolutely not have any more children. I’ll be damned if I have everything we worked for together going to a new wife and, potentially, step siblings and for DC to feel ‘second best’ in the shiny new family life. Also he is more than welcome (not that it’s up to me!) to shag whoever he wants, whenever he wants, but I’d want him to be a bit classy about it and ensure that my children never know about it and then to be as sure as a person can possibly be about a new partner before introducing them to my babies. I rather think he’s emotionally mature enough to know all of this anyway, but you know. Better to say these things.
I nearly died a couple of years ago, sepsis, when my eldest was barely 18 months old, and it brought a lot of conversations to the forefront so it is something we’ve discussed. He’s such a good man and such a good husband, I’d hate to think he’d be alone forevermore…. I just don’t particularly want to imagine him loving anyone else!

So many people on this thread concerned about their children's wellbeing and inheritance! Do you really not trust your spouses enough to believe that would be their first priority when considering a new relationship?

I'd want DH to find someone else but not remarry. Seen too many times the nightmare of inheritance going to new spouses children eventually instead of the persons own kids (i.e. wife dies and all money left to husband who remarries then dies leaving all money to his new wife to then leaves it to her kids). Any money of ours I want to go to our children.

Not until my DC were late teens or older, purely because it's almost never the best outcome for the DC when someone remarries, and men often choose a younger partner who wants further children.

I might feel differently if DH was a terribly social guy whom I thought would be miserable alone but I don't think he'd be bothered.