To ask if you’d want your husband to remarry if you passed before him?

[ForPeachDreamer]

If you were to pass away before your husband, would you want him to remarry and find love again or would the idea make you uncomfortable? Some people say they’d want their spouse to be happy and not spend the rest of their life alone. Others feel the thought of being “replaced” is unsettling, even if they wouldn’t be around to see it.

I’m curious, do you have strong feelings about this? Would you give your blessing in advance or do you think some people move on too quickly?

DH is lovely and I’d hate for him to be alone. I have told him if this happened and he was not paired up in 3 months I would come and haunt him.

Exactly the same here- in fact my children are the same age as yours and both still live at home. So if I were to go soon and DH met someone, that would be great- as long as my children liked her (I would absolutely expect DH to take this into account).

I think I would perhaps have felt differently if my children were little. The thought of another woman moving in and parenting my small children would have been heartbreaking, but if it was the best thing for them and for DH, then I would want that. It’s hard to know!

Yes this.

I believe people have the absolute right to move on, find a new relationship etc but kids have to come first.
The trauma of a child/teen losing a parent is enough without their remaining parent introducing a new partner too quickly.

I think it would need to be at least a couple of years before dating again and even longer before any introductions are made and depending on how the kids are doing, maybe not getting serious whilst they’re still at home.

I know a few men who were widowed relatively early and all moved on very very quickly. There weren’t joint children involved in any of the cases but it still felt like lightning speed. It was uncomfortable for friends and family and I don’t know any women who have done that.

Personally, I’m happy for my partner to move on but I don’t really want to know about it so I’m glad I’d be dead. And it had better be someone new not an ex or any of our friends. He’ll have to put the work into meeting someone new.

Yes, I'd want him to be happy and if that looks like having someone new in his life, he should do it.

Yes. But I would want the assets from our marriage ring fenced for our children in the event of him pre deceasing the new wife.

Different perspective - I married a widower, a father of young kids. His late wife died following an illness and she was very clear she didnt want him to be alone. That helped enormously. What also helped is understanding that love never ever changes - something most people dont seem to get. Meeting me didnt make him miss or love her less.

The heart expands to include more love. I think people often see remarriage as moving on - it is moving forward building more love. My husbands wife is still part of our family, we have photos up, she is still loved by him and the kids and we have had kids together who know all about her. I feel very grateful to her, respectful of her and hope she is glad somewhere to know the family she cherished is flourishing.

If something happened to me, I would absolutely encourage him to date again. Grief is so lonely, so awful, that any additional love or joy in his life would be a gift..

I honestly do not care, I would be dead. People that are not dead should be making the most of their life and not worrying about dead people. Life goes on. I wish happiness first and foremost and if thats marriage then good luck to them.

Yes of course - as if I had any say in it.

Before Dh died I was certain he would marry again and I was worried about the impact on ds. All I could do was sort out my will to protect his inheritance. I was fairly frightened about what would happen to him emotionally if it all went ahead. He does have a couple of ‘substitute dads’ who were lovely to him after Dh died, and I can think of a few women who I’m certain would have stepped up to give him at the very least a refuge /open kitchen table/ frequent sleepover at theirs if I hadn’t been around - I’ve seen them do it for other kids in that situation, including the child literally moving in with them for months. But I know that Dh would not have been as fierce in protecting ds as I would be, because Dh was soft as butter to me - a man in love is imo rarely as focused on his kids’ wellbeing as we would ideally like, and the type of partner he hooks up with is a toss-up.

probably get flamed but here goes! I would be happy for him to move on and have a girlfriend yes but no I wouldn’t want him to remarry (at least until the kids are older) and I wouldn’t want him to move another women into our house. This is mainly based on my belief that blended families are complicated particularly for the children from the first relationship. I know most women say they would love their stepkids as their own and I’m sure they believe it but it mostly doesn’t work out that way, especially if they go on to have their own kids, as seen in the numerous Step family threads on here! And I wouldn’t want my kids to end up being the inconvenient stepkids while their father moves on with his new “real” family. Thankfully my husband has the same attitude and beliefs as me. I can hand on heart say if my marriage failed or my husband died I would never move another man into my children’s home and I would absolutely not be having more kids. A boyfriend who I seen when they are out yeah maybe but a true partner no, not until they are older.

I wouldn’t want him to pick someone up on his way out of the crematorium but I really hope that he meets someone else. She’ll never be as wonderful as me but at least he’ll have some company when he does the big shop.

Yes.
But if we had children, I’d want provisions to be in place to ensure their financial security in the event of remarriage to protect their future.
Also, I’d haunt them if the new wife didn’t treat any children like her own. But I would rest peacefully knowing the family I loved & left could feel whole again.

I'd want him to do whatever brought him happiness because he'd still have a life to live and I'd like that life to be fulfilling and happy for him.

Why? That’s really very selfish.

Exactly this, because I won't have "passed", I will have died. Therefore, I will neither know nor care what he does.
He's a competent adult, so he'll be fine on his own, but if he wants to remarry then that'll do fine too.

Absolutely. In my culture/religion it’s very much expected that both men and women remarry after the loss of a spouse.

I would want him to be happy and find someone else to share his life with. But no to marrying again, because of our children’s inheritance- we have had that conversation and agreed we wouldn’t marry again.

Nope and I’d haunt him if he did.

I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer nearly two years ago and have had this conversation with my partner. I’d be fine with him meeting someone else.

I'm sure you are not a disappointment to anyone. Your post is sad. Hope you're okay
💐

I honestly don't mind what he does after I'm dead. There's no one who'd be greatly affected by remarriage - we don't have children.

I'd like him to find a nice new partner, I think he'd be miserable and lonely on his own. But not to remarry as it could totally mess up what we want/intend our children to inherit. In fact we've promised each other (for what that's worth) that whichever one of us survives the other, we won't remarry for that exact reason.

Absolutely not. He can have a girlfriend (but the idea of that actually makes me feel sick if I’m honest), but he ain’t marrying her. I don’t want someone else getting their hands on my kids inheritance. He doesn’t need anymore kids either. He’s always told me he wouldn’t remarry or get another girlfriend though because “anyone else would be a downgrade”. Not sure if he just tells me that to make me happy but if he does it works.

I don’t think he’d need the blessing of a dead woman. Yes, I’d expect him to try to find a partner again (unless he was ancient; I don’t think he’d bother). He’s not someone that would do well on his own. I don’t think he’d marry again as he’d probably not see the point later in life.

I on the other hand, would be single. I’m definitely one and done and no man would live up to him.

I just don’t get this at all. Those I know who have stayed single (unless extremely old) have done so because their marriage was such hard work. IMO people who liked being married quite often want to do it again.

I wouldn't want him to marry because I want our house to go to our kids not some other woman.