To ask if you’d want your husband to remarry if you passed before him?

[ForPeachDreamer]

If you were to pass away before your husband, would you want him to remarry and find love again or would the idea make you uncomfortable? Some people say they’d want their spouse to be happy and not spend the rest of their life alone. Others feel the thought of being “replaced” is unsettling, even if they wouldn’t be around to see it.

I’m curious, do you have strong feelings about this? Would you give your blessing in advance or do you think some people move on too quickly?

no absolutely not. He isn't the best of husbands anyways and we have 2 DC with complex needs. I couldn't imagine a stranger being able to cope with the multitude of challenges that come with it (and I guess any woman would run).

Fine as long as zero of my assets were passed to her on DH death and went to our DS. What he does with his own assets is up to him. Our finances have a definite divide.

I had a health scare last year, and actively thought about who he should marry and whether I knew anybody who’d be a good match. I love him and want him to be happy, that includes after I’m gone.

My DP died last year.
We never had any discussions about this. However, I have been through pure hell in the last year. The life I'm living now is dreadful. Beyond anything anyone that hasn't gone through this could ever possibly imagine. Those people putting restrictions on their partner's, future happiness have clearly not been through what i've been through. Nobody who truly loves their partner would put restrictions on what they do after their own death to try to get themselves out of the pure hell, that is my current life.

For how many years would you want him to suffer?

We talked about this when I was getting sterilised. He’d offered to be the one to do it but I was already under the knife having a caesarean it made sense for it to be me anyway. I’m disabled and couldn’t put my body through another pregnancy so there’s no way I’d want more kids no matter what happened to him. I said if I died he might meet someone who wanted a baby of their own and I didn’t want him to miss out on the opportunity of a good relationship or my children to miss out on the chance of having a loving mother figure because of a decision he made for my benefit only. He was absolutely adamant he would want no more children no matter what. I’m not sure where he stands on the idea of a new relationship, but he’d absolutely have my blessing. I know he would always put the kids first in any such decision.

He wouldn’t like the idea of me meeting someone new, but he doesn’t need to worry about that. I love him dearly and wouldn’t want to be without him, but no fucking way would I ever let another man share my precious space. Also, DH is very well insured due to how much I would struggle functioning without him because of my disability. There is no way I would ever risk anyone getting into a position where they could make a claim on that money. If he dies that money is his money, for his family, and no one else.

Lots worried about inheritance going to the new partner instead of the children. Make sure it doesn’t then! Have that conversation between you while you’re alive! Get adult children involved so they can advice the parent about wills, trusts etc!

We’ve had this chat as only married very recently having met a couple of years ago in our 50s. My DH would not hang around. He is very eligible, fun handsome and kind. I feel really horrible at the thought of him with someone else but as others have said I’d be gone and would wish for him to have a great life with someone else as his significant other and best friend. He has had form for choosing some dodgy women to have long term relationships with in the past though so I might need to coach him on not rushing into things as quickly as we did! My dad in his 80s is enjoying the OLD experience and twice has been nearly fleeced into changing his will for some younger seemingly lovely but actually bad women

I would want him to be happy but not actually marry , I don't want anyone else having a financial impact on my children

I'd want him to move on but also to ensure our children are prioritised and that "my" money is protected for them.

Of course I would want him to be happy and would consider that what he does after I’m dead is neither any of my business or my concern.

Wouldnt bother me either way as long as he prioritised our children and ensured they were financially protected. I would want my assets to be passed to my children not his new partner.

I would want him to be happy and most likely that means to find a new person..

However, I would put rules, such as not while my kids are little. I guess depending on their age.

Also, would make a will so the assets go to the children only and not to a new wife. We both have worked very hard for whatever we have and wouldn't want the money/properties to go to a new wife, only to my DC upon DH eventual death.

If you have kids surely you've discussed this? So many men seem to move on so quickly it must be devastating for the dc.

I would hope DH would find a companion- ideally not marrying them though as I would prefer it if our children got a full
inheritance from him. But he is a very sociable person and would be happier with a partner than on his own.

But he if was to go first, I would live alone with an array of dogs. I wouldn’t seek a partner though might go on some dates if I felt like it.

This. Oh and not to give my money to anyone else’s kids!

I'd want my partner to meet somebody.

I probably wouldn't love the idea of them shacking up with some random the week of my funeral lol. But honestly if they met somebody they loved, who loved them and treated them well? Yeah definitely. Happiness is so rare I would want them to take it with both hands. I'd want them to laugh together like we do.

I've have wanted him to be happy, but I also think he would have been happier alone if I'd gone first. He was single until he was 45 years old and had a happy fulfilling life before we met. I think he'd have gone back to that and never dated again.

He went first though. We knew it was coming so had a few talks about it. He wanted me to do whatever I needed to have a full life without him. Currently I have no desire to be in a relationship - losing him just seemed to turn that part of me off and I feel no attraction/desire towards anyone. I've been throwing myself into my hobbies instead. I know if things changed and I did meet someone else he'd want me to take that option. He was never insecure or jealous throughout out 15 years together though and always put me first (as I did him).

That's how I feel. I'd like my DH to have a companion so he's not lonely, but not a serious relationship. Partly because I don't want to be replaced. Partly due to inheritance for our children

As others have said I'd want him to be happy, but not remarry because if worried about my children and inheritance.

My DHs cousin is going through a horrible time because of a gold digging man who has married her dementia suffering mother. This is his third marriage and he has already deprived his prior wife's children of their inheritance from their mother.

I doubt I’ll have strong feelings on the matter, if I’m dead.

Sure, if he wanted to. I don't have strong feelings about it. My dc are 17 and 19. I'd be more hesitant if they were small. If the roles were reversed I'd stay single though.

Doesn't theft effectively mean you want to put a limit on his happiness?

Yes, definitely, he’s the best and deserves to be happy. No kids though, so don’t have that to consider.

I recently lost my DH 6 weeks after he was diagnosed with cancer. I am 60 and right now cannot imagine ever remarrying or even a new relationship. 2 months in that's obviously unwise anyway, but in a few years time who knows? Certainly if I'd gone first I would have wanted him to be happy and if that meant a new relationship for him I wouldn't have minded at all. We never discussed it though. I'd like to think he would understand if ever I do meet someone... What our DDs would think is another matter and I'd certainly not want to upset them in any way.