For getting married in the same month as my best friend?

[MumLife90]

My best friend and I have been besties since we were 5! Recently, she’s been acting strange with me and after asking what’s wrong, it’s come to light that she’s upset we’re getting married in the same month, 3 weeks apart.

She is having the big white wedding, me eloping with immediate family only and her, as to me, she is family (we also invited her husband to be and two sons, one of whom is my god son).

She explained that she’s upset we’ve planned it in the same month and said if it had to have been that month (which it did because of school holidays, other family commitments and financial benefits) then I should have asked her.

I didn’t ask her, because i genuinely didn’t see it as an issue. The reason being that they were two totally different weddings and with the exception of our wedding guests, no one else was going to know we were married until after the wedding so it wouldn’t detract from her day in anyway. Maybe I was selfish in this regard but had it been the other way, I really wouldn’t have had an issue.

Anyway, we then ended up telling people as she suggested doing so as people may be upset not that they weren’t invited, but because they weren’t told. It seems that it’s been after telling a specific group that she’s had these feelings again (but this is the first I’m hearing of it) and I can’t help but think they’ve stirred the pot and heightens emotions that were may be already there.

that’s by the by but I wanted to give as much detail as possible as I really want to understand if I have done something wrong. I hate that she feels like this and I would never intentionally try to hurt her or detract from her day in anyway.

i can’t help but wish we’d not told a single soul (including my best friend) and dealt with the negativity after the wedding instead of having the lead up tainted.

Of course it is!

But generally if you really want someone there you check that they can do it don't you?

I kind of thought precious people like you were an urban myth! Cringeing so much for you.

I’d understand why she’d be annoyed if it was the same weekend, but three weeks apart? And completely different weddings, so it’s not like you’re trying to upstage her. I think she’s being unreasonable. A lot of people get married in the summer. I also think she was unreasonable to get you to tell people when it wasn’t your intention to in the first place.

I had a small wedding. Only five people were invited, my parents, my husband’s parents and his nan. We also got married when covid was creeping in so my grandparents wanted to stay home to avoid catching anything. We got married, got a takeaway and went back home for cake and that was it.

I think the priority has to be family, and OP's family can make that month.

I appreciate everyone’s opinions. Thank you.

I’m not quite sure where people have got an aboard/ destination wedding from though. We’re getting married in the same state And I’m getting married 3 weeks after her. I’m not going to list every reason why it had to be that month. But it did.

Just to clarify, when I say elope. I mean it’s a low key, very intimate, family wedding. And in hind sight. I should have stuck with the original plan and not told anyone, my bestie included, got married and told people after.

I don’t want to lose a friend over this. She’s more than a friend really. More like a sister. And in hindsight before I should have ran it by her. I’m going to apologise for how it’s made her feel and give her the option to come or not without any hidden meanings or consequences. Just genuinely from a place of love. If not coming makes her feel less stressed and able to enjoy her wedding more then so be it.

as someone said. The importance of weddings diminish but. Friendship doesn’t.

thanks again all

I agree with this sorry!

Where are you going to get married?

They’ve got abroad/ destination from you saying elopement!

I think she should apologise to you for making you feel bad about your wedding myself. But good luck with what you have decided and I hope your friendship survives x.

Elopement means running away secretly to get married.

You are not running away or getting married in secret.

You’re having a small wedding.

Does this mean she won’t have to take additional leave to attend, and will be back from her honeymoon?

I’m sure you can both moved past this and both enjoy your weddings.

i don’t think you can necessarily expect a warm response from your friends. You’re having a wedding and haven’t invited them so they may well be annoyed.

I can also see your friend may well be thinking about things like having enough annual leave to manage both weddings, possibly needing to change any honeymoon plans etc. She doesn’t own the month but given her and her family form a high % of the guests, I’d have run the dates past her first.

When I got married, two other colleagues at work were also getting married and we all ended up within about 8 weeks between the first and the last. There was a lot of guest crossover between all three of us.

I am not aware that anyone was overly bothered, I certainly wasn't. Possibly the guests going to all three weddings were a bit fed up of it by the last one. But as 2 brides and a groom, we were swapping info and ideas between us and we all went to each others wedding.

However, this was work colleagues not my best friend. I can see that it might feel to her like you are trying to upstage her, or take away some of the shine. I know you are having two different weddings, hers is large, yours is very small (it's not an elopement), but nonetheless I can see her point, to a degree. But if I valued my friendship I might be annoyed initially, but I would get over it.

Assuming you have explained to her that you chose your date from a logistical point of view and you meant no slight to her, then I would say you need to just let her come round.

Perhaps she was looking forward to doing weddings things with you nearer the time and she now feels you won't be interested in hers. Make sure she knows that anything you had committed to will still be honoured on your part.

FFS what is wrong with these women who think their weddings are so fucking special? Your friend is bonkers.

What a lovely, emotionally intelligent update @MumLife90 - its obvious you deeply cherish your friendship and are able to see lots of perspectives. I hope she values you and your efforts to understand and compromise your own wishes to ease her issues.

Perhaps she was looking forward to doing weddings things with you nearer the time

Why do people feel the need to do wedding things?

All we did was book the church, book the venue for after the church and order some flowers. It doesn't have to be difficult. My mum made my dress and the cake (she had it professionally iced by a friend) and a neighbour drove me to the church, so those things would have to be ordered as well, but IMO so many couples (usually the bride) have to make weddings so extravagant and overly complicated these days it's no wonder they cause so much stress.

There is a middle road between huge monsterfests and a couple going to the town hall in jeans.

Just because you don’t like wedding things (I don’t either) we can’t deny others the pleasure, can we? We are all so different. Op is going for a small intimate do while her friend wants the works. Nothing wrong with that.

Op, your update is lovely.

That’s ok. I don’t need your second hand embarrassment for me.

elopement means running away and usually by self as no one else knows

you are having a small wedding / locally it sounds like

I understand that your friendship is important to you, OP, and that you don't want to lose the woman you see as a sister. I 'get' it - I have a lifelong friend I feel the same way about myself. However. What does she expect you to do? Cancel? Bit of self-flagellation, maybe?

I don't know what it is with some brides these days who apparently think that because they're getting married the whole world suddenly revolves around them. You chose your timing because it's the only timing that works for you. Your wedding is not all about her. Ditto your life. Of course if your wedding places too great a constraint on her time and finances, you'd be disappointed not to see her attend but would understand. I don't think there are any further concessions I'd be prepared to offer, despite the depth of the friendship. If things were to cool as a result this would be deeply regrettable, but it would also tell me that this was not the close, loving friendship I'd imagined it to be.

I'm sorry you're finding your wedding plans tainted by this competitive silliness, OP. IME, which is growing long, weddings are simply not all that - and certainly not worth the angst they can cause.

I also hope you'll ignore the childish, snippy comment upthread accusing you of trying to be 'edgy' simply because your wedding isn't an identikit copy of the tired, 'traditional' format. Really petty, but a perfect exemplar of the kind of competitive bride for whom most people would rather be a spectre at the feast than maid of honour.

@MumLife90 I was in the exact same position as you a few years ago. It was the first summer after COVID and we had a lot of weddings within a 2 month period, all being within 3 weeks of each other. Now that didn't bother me but for my close friend I was being awful for having my wedding the same month.She said bad things behind my back to one of my best friends. As you can imagine we are not that close anymore and it's for the better! She's always been full of drama and I've had enough of it.

@RosesAndHellebores with respect, I think it is you who is being is patronising.

Your experience is not the only experience.

It is rich on your part to assume that everyone has the same feelings, means, values, family relationships, finances and emotions as you and your circle do.

People are different.

W the actual F???

that's plain silly...if you have to be wary about what you say to someone they are not a BF.

there is no way I’d book my wedding the same month as someone I was close to. I think you’ve been thoughtless and it’s fair that she is annoyed. At least she’s told you to your face rather than slate you behind your back.

In the same year:
June - one of my best friends and bridesmaids
July - my other best friend and bridesmaids
August - DH's best friend and best man
October - us.
We also attended two more weddings in July and August that year, two other friends of mine who got married in the same place and another colleague of DH's in the November.

Nobody thought it was at all weird or inappropriate or felt that their bubbles were burst or that their precious time was being stolen.

So your having a small wedding 3 weeks after hers?

I think i would have liked my best friend to give me a heads up before booking it especially if she wanted me there.