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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting married in the same month as my best friend?

357 replies

MumLife90 · 29/07/2025 23:37

My best friend and I have been besties since we were 5! Recently, she’s been acting strange with me and after asking what’s wrong, it’s come to light that she’s upset we’re getting married in the same month, 3 weeks apart.

She is having the big white wedding, me eloping with immediate family only and her, as to me, she is family (we also invited her husband to be and two sons, one of whom is my god son).

She explained that she’s upset we’ve planned it in the same month and said if it had to have been that month (which it did because of school holidays, other family commitments and financial benefits) then I should have asked her.

I didn’t ask her, because i genuinely didn’t see it as an issue. The reason being that they were two totally different weddings and with the exception of our wedding guests, no one else was going to know we were married until after the wedding so it wouldn’t detract from her day in anyway. Maybe I was selfish in this regard but had it been the other way, I really wouldn’t have had an issue.

Anyway, we then ended up telling people as she suggested doing so as people may be upset not that they weren’t invited, but because they weren’t told. It seems that it’s been after telling a specific group that she’s had these feelings again (but this is the first I’m hearing of it) and I can’t help but think they’ve stirred the pot and heightens emotions that were may be already there.

that’s by the by but I wanted to give as much detail as possible as I really want to understand if I have done something wrong. I hate that she feels like this and I would never intentionally try to hurt her or detract from her day in anyway.

i can’t help but wish we’d not told a single soul (including my best friend) and dealt with the negativity after the wedding instead of having the lead up tainted.

OP posts:
Isitreallysohard · 30/07/2025 01:21

RosesAndHellebores · 30/07/2025 01:14

I'm 64. Planned my own wedding 34 years ago and helped with ds and dil's a couple if years ago. Chuck in several huge work events.

@MumLife90 your bestie is being selfish at best and verging on stark raving bonkers imo. Tell her if she has a problem she really isn't obliged to be a guest. Your day is about you, not her.

Show quote history

With respect, weddings arr quite different to what they were 34 years ago. It also depends on what your family is like and if they create stress and how high or low your stress tolerance is. Anyway, OP asked, I gave my opinion of what her friend might be thinking or feeling 🤷🏻‍♀️ I have never seen a Bride who has been chilled out and relaxed leading up to her wedding! 😅

Isitreallysohard · 30/07/2025 01:24

Lancrelady80 · 30/07/2025 00:47

I must be strange - I would actually be so excited if my bestie and I were getting married in the same month!

It does rather sound as if the mutual friends have been all..."ooh, how do you feel about that? Do you think it'll take any shine away from yours, having both in the same month?" Whether from actual concern or stirring, you're better positioned to know than us.

See I don't think this at all. I'd be so excited about my friend getting married, but I'd be all stressed out about my wedding so wouldn't feel relaxed or excited about it. I feel MN always jumps to the conclusion someone is jealous.

Isitreallysohard · 30/07/2025 01:33

fizzlecherry · 29/07/2025 23:52

I don’t think you have done anything wrong, however I do have a better understanding of this as I get older so can at least imagine why she might be upset…Previously I would have thought this was total bridezilla.
However, in reality her wedding month is a big month for her. If yours is before hers she might feel that she will just have so much on and wanted to be able to focus on her own big day rather than yours. If yours is after she might feel that she will have to almost burst her own wedding bubble a bit sooner that she would like, to sort of pass the wedding baton over to you. If you were having a big white wedding with a lot of same friends and her as bridesmaid etc then definitely all those things. Less

so since you’re just doing something small.
Has she explained why specifically she is bothered? I would just try to say sorry and smooth it over, noway do you both want to taint your wedding days and fall out over this

I agree with this completely

Katflapkit · 30/07/2025 02:28

Did you know the date of her wedding before you planned yours?

You sat you are Godmother to one of her sons, so I am assuming she and her fiance have been together for a while

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/07/2025 02:34

15 people is not an ' elopement. '

Sssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · 30/07/2025 02:53

If this is an otherwise good friend and you want to smooth things over and keep the friendship I think I would do the following:

  • Explain there are lots of boring logistical reasons why it needs to be this timing.
  • Apologise for causing her any stress/upset.
  • Explain that you are totally okay with her giving your wedding a miss to come given she will still be in the process of sorting out post her wedding (and mean it). That it was originally just going to be family/only mentioned after the wedding but invited her as it felt wrong not to given how close you are.
  • that your friendship is way more important to you than her attendance at your wedding (based on what you have said here).
  • ask to stop talking about your wedding from now on - either with her or with other friends. That you want to avoid the drama and this will be the easiest way to avoid it and staying focused on you and your future husband. And mean it.

I do think she is a being a like precious but big weddings are stressful and meeting her with grace about this is likely to be better for the long term. With hindsight, inviting her maybe was a mistake but equally she could have been really offended by not getting an invite, so don’t beat yourself up over this.

MagnoliaTreeBlossom · 30/07/2025 03:07

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Her reaction to the news of your wedding plans appears to be clouded by her preparation and anticipation of her own wedding.

Perhaps she feels you won't be there for her as you will be focused on your own wedding. Are you her bridesmaid/MoH? Has she asked you to help with any arrangements or preparation for her wedding?

As childhood friends you will be able to talk this through. Meet up and explain the reasons September is your chosen time. The date is after her wedding and it is a small guest list/modern elopement to which she and her family are invited to because she means so much to you and you would not intentionally upset her. Your wedding is a separate event to hers and both will be wonderful... the date is the least important part, it's the day itself and the celebration of marriage that matter most.

MC846 · 30/07/2025 03:07

It's a bit of an areshole move on your part tbh. The last thing she's going to want to do is prepare to go away for a wedding just after her own. You shouldn't have told her.

Dippythedino · 30/07/2025 03:14

Drop her because she is no genuine friend of yours. Length of friendship doesn't equate to quality of friendship and this is not a good quality friendship.

LittleCarrot12 · 30/07/2025 03:16

i would be annoyed at this as well. Why did you choose a day so close to her day? I expect she would like time to be excited for your wedding in the lead up but instead she’ll be focused on her wedding. Instead of relaxing after she’ll need to start preparing for another.
I think it’s quite selfish of you tbh.

Wherethebirdflies · 30/07/2025 03:32

Christ a wedding is one day. She will realise after the event. Imagine if yous both got pregnant the same month. I would just say to her if she feels it’s too soon she doesn’t have to come.

OrangeSlices998 · 30/07/2025 04:10

I can’t imagine giving a solitary fuck about something like this. She doesn’t own the month! What a dick. How much relaxing did people need after their own wedding? We got married on the Saturday, husband back at work on the Monday, me back to the usual day to day with the kids! This is ludicrous OP.

SouthernNights59 · 30/07/2025 04:14

You've done nothing wrong OP, your 'friend' is being ridiculous. I can't say I would be wanting to hang onto a friendship like this, she sounds extremely hard work.

SouthernNights59 · 30/07/2025 04:17

LittleCarrot12 · 30/07/2025 03:16

i would be annoyed at this as well. Why did you choose a day so close to her day? I expect she would like time to be excited for your wedding in the lead up but instead she’ll be focused on her wedding. Instead of relaxing after she’ll need to start preparing for another.
I think it’s quite selfish of you tbh.

How much 'preparing' is involved in attending such a small wedding, please tell me? I wouldn't have cared less if my best friend got married the day after me, but then I'm an easy going soul, not a drama llama!

Psychicpineapple · 30/07/2025 04:21

How long has she been planning her wedding? Did you know her date when you picked yours?

I think it's quite odd that of all the months of all the years you've know each other the best time for you to get married was the same month she has her wedding.

RawBloomers · 30/07/2025 05:40

It does sound like the friends have been stirring, but I also think it's a bit naive to think having your wedding so close to hers would have no effect on her wedding and how she feels about things. You're close and both have this big meaningful event coming up. While it would be obvious that there is overlap (incl. competition for time and focus) if yours was going to be a big white wedding too, I don't think it's all about the "party" side of it. Especially if she is caught up in the big white wedding perspective, she may well see your wedding as a big deal emotionally even if you are trying to downplay the big "do" side of it by eloping. You doing yours so close to hers could well make her feel you don't both get to celebrate and support each other as much. And now you've told friends about it, it will take a bit of focus away from her.

If you're worried about your friendship, maybe take her out for a coffee or drink, and tell her how excited you are about her wedding and you're sorry if she feels it takes the shine off hers, it wasn't your intention and you didn't even consider that because you aren't having the same sort of day at all and you're just as excited and committed to celebrating her wedding as you ever were before you decided to elope. And that you're looking forward to being friends with her for years to come so you really don't want this to take the shine off that.

Zanatdy · 30/07/2025 05:44

She is being ridiculous. Why do some women turn into complete bridezilla’s? You can get married when you want. I’d be distancing myself for a while. None of my lifelong friends would behave like that, and if they did, i’d tell them I was offended that they thought I had to ask their permission for my wedding date.

Lurkingandlearning · 30/07/2025 05:45

Is your wedding before hers?

RitaAndFrank · 30/07/2025 05:49

We had a similar situation when we got married; a close friend of dh was getting married so I remember saying at the time that whatever date we booked that summer, it must be after his and his wife’s because otherwise we’d be stealing their thunder as it were by marrying first ( we have a big circle of mutuals). Then a close friend of mine announced her wedding that summer but she, like us, ensured her wedding was after ours. Alll three weddings were about three or four weeks apart to give us all time to have honeymoons in between.

I have voted YANBU op because it sounds as though you’ve been considerate of her ‘limelight’ and really she should be happy for you.

BCBird · 30/07/2025 05:50

She has her day and you have your's.

Samscaff · 30/07/2025 05:55

That’s not an "elopement", it’s just a very small wedding. Maybe she’s annoyed that you’re trying to make your wedding sound more exciting than hers.

Didimum · 30/07/2025 05:58

MumLife90 · 30/07/2025 01:21

Thanks for everyone’s opinions. Any advice on how we move on from here? I don’t wanna lose my best friend but I’m struggling to navigate this with all the emotions.

You can’t really. She’s said her piece, you’ve said yours. Weddings can’t be moved, so you have to wait either for her to get over it or not.

As the saying goes, you get a day, not a month – but I can’t see why this would rub the wrong way in real life.

FWIW, you’re not eloping, you’re having a small wedding.

Confusdworriedmum · 30/07/2025 05:58

I don't know. My brother had been planning his wedding for 8 months. A month before the day my other brother and his wife announced they were getting married 2 weeks before my other brother. Couldn't see any reason why they'd do that except to upset my brother and his wife to be. They said it was because they wanted to be married before their baby was born (5 months later) and there were no other dates but I'm not sure.
It was a small wedding with just immediate family whereas older brothers was a huge wedding. I still think it was a crappy thing to do.
Slightly different if it's a friend but I think I would have asked remembering the upset in my family.

Anyahyacinth · 30/07/2025 06:15

Is it about annual leave from work? Childcare?

TankFlyBossWalkJamNittiGritti · 30/07/2025 06:31

I started thinking she was being bridezilla but actually i's a bit weird on your part tbh. Could you not have spaced if out a bit more? Maybe she wanted to chill out after her wedding and bask in the newly wed glow. Is the attention usually on you? She may feel like you're turning it immediately back on to yourself.

Also stop calling it an elopement, that's just a bit irritating.when it's not. Are you doing any other odd things that will upset others or her? She might be frustrated about something like that?