Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

Such incredibly generous gifts. My eldest got a travel alarm clock from my in-laws (DH's dad and step-mum) for her 18th. DC2 g8t a card and a £10 note. DC3 didn't even get a card from them. They forgot. DC4 got a card, nothing else. I know that FiL's wife's biological grandchildren got actual gifts.

Without knowing it’s hard to judge but I agree that similar should have been spent but you haven’t answered if DN is an only child and you have multiple? And it’s not passive aggressive to say you have a husband issue and he should take it up with his bloody parents! But sure keep complaining on the internet and don’t saying anything to the actual people.

That sounds massively unfair given the updates from OP. Have there been other instances of blatant favouritism? Have any of your DHs other siblings said anything?

Well it’s obvious, he is the favourite. No other explanation

yeah there’s no question he’s the favourite. And that’s exactly why I’m fuming. If there was a sensible explanation (special needs, change in finances etc etc) it’d sting but be easier to tolerate.

now I just want to tell them to where to go. Although I won’t.

What do the parents of the other children think ..have you spoken to them about it ?

Without knowing it’s hard to judge but I agree that similar should have been spent but you haven’t answered if DN is an only child and you have multiple? And it’s not passive aggressive to say you have a husband issue and he should take it up with his bloody parents! But sure keep complaining on the internet and don’t saying anything to the actual people.

OP would need to have 18 kids for it to be fair per family.

I have three DC two of which have turned 18 and one who hasn’t.

DN is one of two and has an older sibling who also turned 18. Before anyone asks I have no idea what their sibling thinks

What 18 yr old needs a £40k gift 😮
£2k seems a crazy amount never mind 40!

we have this issue, my husbands sisters children are favoured over ours, it’s very sad and frustrating. Over the years we have mentioned things but it gets us no where and so we have distanced ourselves. Our children’s emotional health is more important.

Even if it is that’s so unfair

No idea why you’ve tried to make out to your children that the grandparents don’t have favourites. My DH’s parents have a favourite child and subsequently their only child is the favourite grandchild. When my children noticed I just agreed. It’s obvious. Why would I pretend it wasn’t true?

You could possibly argue they love them the same but their actions do not reflect that. I haven’t covered up for the grandparents. It’s been really difficult not to let it impact my relationship with them because I think it’s appalling however I have still facilitated contact (as much as my children have wanted).

In our case it’s not just financial (although that is true), it’s babysitting, it’s meals out, day trips, holidays, gifts, all the way through to inheritance with the favourite grandchild receiving 75% of the estate with the remaining 25% to be divided between the remaining grandchildren. This has always been known. They’ve never made any secret of it.

Take this as an opportunity to teach your kids to be grateful for any gifts they happen to receive and to not expect or feel entitled to anything. that would be the best life lesson.

Does this GC visit them a lot, help them out, go for coffee and always send a thank you letter?

Are their parents not as well off and Grandparents are helping out with bigger purchases?

Or, is she simply the golden child and your kids can keep that in mind when its time to visit them in a care home and always be busy that day.....

It all depends. If the parents of those grandchild are financially weak, grandparents could be compensating but otherwise it is favouritism which unfortunately exists in a lot of families despite denials.

Seems to be case in lots of families unfortunately, my uncle was the youngest and only boy, my GM passed first and my GF found out that she had left everything house & savings to him so my GF was fuming when he saw that and said he was glad she went first as his daughters would have got nothing only some house contents and maybe 1k each if they were lucky after funeral expenses, my uncles son was the golden GC too and we all massively noticed growing up, even the 10p cheap brand chocolate bars while he got top brand multipacks and the giant Cadbury and galaxy bars all to himself 😀 My mother hated it, she now however is the same with my niece, while the rest of the GC get the bare minimum, and she pretends history’s not repeating itself!!

That is absolutely shameful. For any normal person with a sense of fairness, they'd find it impossible to give such unequally valued gifts. Even if you have a favourite, you don't make it so blatantly obvious.

I don't think there's anything you can do about it, really, except be honest with you children, if they bring it up or are obviously noticing the disparity. I wouldn't lie or pretend not to have noticed. The GP can't expect their grandchildren to feel as warmly toward them as they would if there was at least an attempt to treat everyone the same. The relationships won't be what they could have been, sadly. It's not about materialism. It's just a normal human emotional reaction to such an in-your-face demonstration of favouritism.

Move on and forget it. First world problem. Chances are nothing is meant by it. However if there is favouritism there, all the more reason to rise above it. Bringing it up would just make you look petty.

'Fuming', 'Its not fair'..... Boofucking hoo love.
Life isn't always fair.
In so many ways.
But I guess if your worst problem in life is perceived financial disparity over money that isn't even yours then clearly you have absolutely no idea just how unfair life can truly be.
Unbelievable.

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't objected to the favoritism if it were your child who got the big gift.
But have you given any thought to why? Maybe the nephew, or the nephew's parents interact more with the PILs? Maybe they're more effusive with their thanks in the past? Maybe the current 18 y.o. has a more charming manner?
Unfair or not, they're entitled to spend as they please.

Your husband can gently ask his parents why are they treating kids differently and give them a chance to explain.

I can’t believe this is a thing, my grandparents loved us all unconditionally and gave us the same even if one grandchild visited more, there weren’t conditions and favourites

Whilst I understand there will be some differences due to getting them different gifts we're not talking about a £2k v £40k difference, common.

And your argument is that it will cost them £360k to give the same £40k to all 9 so it makes sense to give one GC £40k and the rest £2k???? That's the sensible solution you came up with?

Not give them all gifts roughly about £2k or divide how much they can afford by 9, nah your optimal solution is give one £40k and the rest £2k because to give them all £40k will be unaffordable?

The fact is lots of people have favourites and show it. I don’t think it’s worth it to be fuming. Do your children actually care whether they are loved equally I wouldn’t if I were them. Do they love their grandparents, I wouldn’t if I were them. You should just let it go. No good will come of bringing this up with them.

You come across as entitled and grabby.