Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

At 18, I’d be wondering how much contact the grandchild has with them. At that age some teens will put in the effort to have a relationship - calls/texts/regular visits, and others will not put in any effort. Obviously no one can force an 18yo to do anything - but there are real life consequences/rewards for putting effort into relationships. Rather than it being pointed (it’s not like the other gc have been ignored, 2k is still incredibly generous) it may be they wanted to do something extra for the one they have a special relationship with.

Is this the youngest grandchild? Perhaps their financial situation has changed, like an investment come good? Or they were conservative with the older ones to make sure they had enough for everyone and now realise they do and splashed out on the last one? I really can’t imagine complaining about not getting more than a 2k gift and wanting a breakdown of why…this isn’t setting up your kids for a happy outlook on life. Imagine equating money with love and demanding that the grandparents treat everyone the same? Relationships are not all equal. We don’t owe anyone anything really.

I had a grandparent who favoured one child. Gifts were split by my parents between my siblings so it was even between us. I know there were rows about it behind the scenes when we were little. I think we were just told that gifts needed to be evened out because Grandparent was being unfair. They also had a mental illness which again we knew from a young age, so I think we all assumed it was because of that. I don’t think it bothered anyone, it was just inconvenient and the way things were. It continued into adulthood and we eventually just evened it up between ourselves as routine.

I think as long as your own children are kept equal, you can’t really do anything about the cousins, so will have to just ignore it.

They will certainly have their reasons. You just don't know what they are. I'm not sure what you'd hope to achieve by saying something. They have given their GC the amounts they chose, and I doubt they will equalise that because you complain. I suppose you could return to them the gifts you're dissatisfied with and cut them off. But if you're concerned about not having enough of their money for your children, you probably won't want to put an inheritance at risk.

Sometimes when there is blatant favouritism, there is a blind spot by the people doing it and they are quite amazed when it is pointed out. I dont think I could say nothing though. Not sure what I would do if I were your DH - its either put up with shitty behaviour, or tell them it is upsetting which will probably cause a massive blow up.

@PupPupPupAndAway I know where you are coming from!! Inheritance! the golden sister of mine was left the whole house down to the last tin of beans. she was unable to live in it so golden grandchild got the house!! other 5 grandchildren got zilch!!

@PupPupPupAndAway sounds like the golden granchild might have been given a brand new car!! golden daughter must be rubbing her hands with glee!! sorry, but I think your dh and his siblings should make their point to the grandparents because that is a disgusting thing to do!! blatant favouritism!! ps wait till the will is read!!!!

Perhaps he’s just a nicer kid. My MIL wouldn’t have done this, but frankly, she should have considering how much nicer mine were to her than their self-absorbed cousins.

This happened in my family, my lovely cousin had a pony fully funded by my ‘DGP’’s and as a child, when they visited us - rarely - we were brought present shopping for the other cousins, and nothing bought for us. If your DC are old enough, they know that there are favourites, and its not them, so I’d stop telling them its the same - its not. I made my peace as a child that whilst my DGPs were around, I’d just do the bare minimum around them. It really upset my DM as she wanted to be a good DIL, and these were my dad’s parents, but I’ve never regretted seeing with clarity that I was not considered to be of the same value as my cousins. As they got older, they had regrets, but I didn’t. In this instance I’d say to you to think about where you can easily pull back from your ILs - be it support for admin, helping out or insisting that the GC must see them (if you do). Children always know their value.

Sorry, they spent 40K on one of their grandchildren as an 18th birthday gift?? mental

I treat my children equally, and would do the same if/when they have grandchildren, but it's not unacceptable, it's their money that can choose how to distribute it.

When all is said and done at the end of the day it is their money and their decision to whom and how much they give. Pointless wasting your time, hurt feelings about this on behalf of someone else ie your kids. At some point your children will notice and draw their own conclusions and decide how to deal with it, if it were me i would keep my mouth shut and stay out of it.

Has your husband, their son, put in as much effort as an adult as his sister in maintaining a relationship with them? And as much effort in as she did with making sure their respective dc establish a relationship with grandparents?

I don’t get het up by stuff like this at all tbh, in fact I have no idea what the in-laws got any of my dcs cousins for their 18th, it doesn’t bear any relevance to my life. And if they give my dc £2k for their 18th, the response they will be getting is ‘thank you so so much’. Not fuck off.

It sucks but not much that you can do.

I'm really curious to know why he is the favourite GC? He's number 6 GC of 9, so not oldest or youngest. First boy maybe? Or first/only child of their favourite child? Just wondering if it's relevant at all.

Also curious about how the parents of this GC have reacted? Are they embarassed about the blatant favouritism, or lapping it up? Were they consulted at all about the gift, because I guess they could have refused it if they were in any way concerned how it might imapct family relationships.

Lived this ! My Grandparents parents favored my uncle and his children even though he ruined his life twice and had to move back home due to very irresponsible poor life choices.
My dad the hard worker who has never asked for help never got any respect and quite frankly was never a favorite. Nor were we as grandkids. It was very obvious we weren't treated the same and as we got older and were able to make our own choices I reciprocated the effort, which weirdly people don't like it when you do to them what they do to you. I never said a word. My actions spoke for me.
Needless to say my grandparents have now passed and it didn't bother me in the slightest. My life is no different and I will always remember how we were treated. These types of people will not see they are in the wrong unfortunately so I suggest treating them as they do to you.

Yep that's a really shitty thing to do. As a GP I would never do something like this. Unbelievable how some people can have absolutely no idea! Or perhaps they do but don't care. I would be fuming too OP but like you said there's nothing you can say if you want to avoid a big fall out. I bet the other DGCs are feeling pretty hurt.

Drip feed applies because they haven’t given any details about the value or what the presents were to go on and they haven’t replied.

OP, stop denying to your children that there is blatant favourites going on.
That is gaslighting them and not fair at all.
Let them decide how they feel about it and support them if necessary.

My late ils had 6gc - I have 4dc and sil has 2. They were not English and lived abroad and we lived there for about 10 years. When the gc were born ils opened a bank account in their name for each of them. As they reached 18 they were given the money from the account. I don't know/care how much dns got but my eldest two dc each got about £8k. Ds turned 18 and got nothing. Dd3 is 17. The ils both died 3 years ago. I still don't believe there wasn't an account for them. Ds even has fil's name!

Never rely on gifts or inheritance.
fund yourself and teach your children to do the same. Gracefully.

relying on others only fuels either their control, your bitterness and resentment or all of the aforementioned.

you prove the point nicely!

be grateful for what you may receive. But expect nothing.

My kids have occasionally received gifts more expensive than their cousins from the grandparents. I have mentioned it to the gps (my sibling made it clear to me they were miffed) and their response was: the kids they have given more expensive gifts to are the ones that help them out (lawn mowing, gutter clearing, window cleaning etc - anything they ask) and just turn up and do it without expecting more than a few biscuits…. and are also the ones who say thank you. The gps are so sick of forking out and not receiving even a text to say thanks….

Christ they must be very wealthy if they have given 5 grandchildren 2k each, given the 6th GC 40k and there’s another three more to go.

Well it’s obvious, he is the favourite. No other explanation.

It's not fair.
Do you have any children who have their 18th to look forward to?
Obviously if you do you, when the kid isn't around,can ramp up their expectations of an equal prize to the grand parents.
'little Jimmy is so looking forward to a brand new car, we will of course try to explain it to older child' don't worry! Go tinkly.

You are in any case not their unpaid pr manager. You do t need to damage control or brand management. I'd be straight in there with that's unfair.

Huh?! I’ve provided lots of updates. I have specified what the actual present was but given several examples of similar types of gift and have specified the value.