Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

But also entirely up to them how much they spend on who and I'm a bit surprised anyone would be keeping count, it sounds very ungrateful

no one has needed to “keep count” it’s explicitly obvious that the gift is very very expensive.

What is the gift?

if it’s something like, all other grandchildren have had a kindle and this got an iPad, it’s understandable.

but also, are there any differences in time etc with the family? My nan spoilt me and my brother a lot more because we were her youngest grandchildren and she felt really guilty that she couldn’t take us on days out etc like she had the others

People have favourites to wind the others up and/ or to make the non-favourites work harder. The best thing you can do is ignore it or you are giving them exactly what they want. If it’s not part of a pattern, maybe calmly point out that it’s not fair to the kids.

Parents or grandparents who favour one child are very foolish if they assume this will automatically ensure the love of the golden one.
My grandfather blatantly favoured my sister. We both disliked him.

YABU. It’s their money and entirely up to them what they spend it on. There is no requirement to be ‘fair’. Maybe they have a closer relationship with one grandchild and/or see them more regularly? They will have their reasons, and it’s really none of your concern what they choose to gift to someone else.

It’s their money so their choice; people have different relationships and circumstances, maybe this was something they knew he’d love?

I’m hoping you have mistyped and you haven’t spent years telling your kids that they are not loved equally?

Daughter’s child?

I take it that the much more expensive gift is a car.

I wouldn't be happy about that and I would ask the GP why they did that.

Been there.

2 grandchildren got big 18th and 21st gifts, significant money gifts for weddings, house deposits, even got left a big money gift in the will.

the other 3 grandchildren? Nothing. No idea why, and many of the money gifts had been kept secret, only came to light when they died.

never gave indication of favouritism.

So they all got a decent second hand car, but this one got given a flat? I think the actual gifts & value is relevant.

Ils spoiled sil's dc. Ours got the absolute bare minimum
. Think £1 bag of sweets and a card..
Bit like the newborn gifts.. Our dc got a second hand moses basket..
Sil's dc got a brand new full pram /car seat bundle..
I backed away. And took the dc with me.

You cant make them take it back, or give more to the rest. So all you can realistically do is accept that they chose to spend their money that way because that's how they feel.
You can also just fume about it for a while but that will only make you feel worse and won't affect them or the nephew at all.

There’s always a favourite.
whether it’s fair or not.

Value of gifts has never been a thing in my family. We just buy what we think people will appreciate as long as we can afford it. Some years people are in a better financial position than they were in other years so gifts may be more extravagant. I don't think you should say anything, if an adult complained to me about the value of gifts I wouldn't be putting any thought in to their gifts again, I possibly wouldn't bother at all.

Do you think DN specifically asked for something?
I would ask why they saw fit to treat DGC so unfairly

When your DH asked them about it, what did they say?

Yes, it’s their money etc etc but this is very poor behaviour on their part and should be challenged.

The best gifts are those given because of thought. It’s not about financial value.

It kind of is when one child gets a house deposit as a gift, and the other gets nothing.

Fuming and wanting to tell them to f*ck off sounds very extreme.

When your DH asked them about it, what did they say?

this is such a great example of MN passive aggression 🙄 I said in my first post that DH didn’t say anything because he’s worried about fall out. Mostly how his sister will react as he doesn’t want her to feel bad/guilty

YANBU to be miffed about the inconsistency but YABU to want to tell to them to fuck off. If DH won’t talk to them about it you’ll never know if there’s a reason for their decision so he really ought to ask.

My MIL always spent far more on her daughter’s children than she did on her son’s (my children). I knew it would never change so chose to get used to it. Sadly she didn’t live to see any of them reach 18. I

I’m not going to post the gift because it’s not relevant beyond the favouritism. There was no specific reason for it, beyond we like this GC best, all DC would have benefited equally from the gift.

in terms of price it’s similar to all GC got a 15 year old Ford focus and DN got a brand new Mini Cooper. Or all GC got a tag watch and DN got a gold Rolex. Or all GC got their first months uni rent paid and DN got three years of rent and expenses paid.

Value probably 2k v 40k ish.

My DM does this also I’m the youngest of my siblings but their DC & DGC always get £50 on birthdays & £100 at Xmas. Mine get the odd £10 if they’re lucky! Same excuse everytime that because my 3 were all born in the same month; it’s too expensive. Don’t think she’s ever given an excuse for Xmas or Easter. My granddaughter got nothing at Easter all her other great grandchildren got eggs & money.