Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

This makes no sense at all.

Fine, be in their lives to an extent but why should the OPs DH give uo precious family time to clear his parents loft when his sister gets a holiday paid for and isnt asked.

I actually think someone who has high self esteem will do the opposite, accept they are the people they are, from now own have an appropriate relationship based on how the PIL behave and not reply/expect anything from them (in love/effort, I dont mean money). That way OP and her DH will be happier. Those with low self esteem will accept a much lower way of being treated and continue to give so much whilst being treated like crap in return.

I am glad I have enough self esteem and self worth that i will not allow cruel people affect my life. I have never had to cut a family member out of my life but I certainly have had to reduce how much time and effort (and headspace] I give to certain relationships.

I think the OP and her DH have handled the situation well, they have not kicked off or thrown their toys out of the pram but have decided to pull away to an extent. Doesn't mean no contact, just means they are looking after themselves in the way the PILs are also.

But families aren't always perfectly equal.

Sometimes people give more where there's more need, more closeness, or just more opportunity. That doesn't automatically mean it's spiteful or malicious.

Pulling back out of resentment just adds to the divide. If OP is hurt, she and her husband should talk to the PILs, assuming the goal is to fix the relationship.

To me, withdrawing the offer to clear the attic feels petty and 'tit for tat.'

The OP has clarified that the child who has been given £40,000 has a sibling who was only given £2,000.

It is my understanding that there are several grandchildren - the OP’s children, the golden grandchild and their sibling, and other grandchildren - presumably the OP’s dh has at least two siblings, and they all have children.

I agree they should talk but I do think the OP has given a significant number of examples over the course of the thread, dating back to her DHs childhood so perhaps this is the time to carefully pull back. Maybe the PIL will be enlightened by a conversation, maybe there is an explanation that enlightens the OP and her DH, but from the info given it just doesn't appear that way.

I have based my comments on the info provided and the fact I know people in RL who are just not nice people and treat their families this way.

In an ideal world the PIL woild be mortified at the thought of the OP/DH being so upset at their treatment over the years but I really dont think so. Decent people would have way more self awareness.

I should also say that my parents have helped my DB out financially more than us, that is totally fine as he has needed it, I have done the same for him over my DHs sister as she hasnt needed it, however they would never gift one of us way more for a birthday, or for grandchildren. We are all quite open about these things with each other.

Not read the whole thread but i just asked my DD14 of this situation and she said she would just accept there are favourite grandchildren and she would just be grateful she got a £2k gift.. They could have got nothing at all.

I didn't get the impression they'd tried to have a conversation, but may have missed that.

I have to say I have an issue with the whole 'decent' thing in this instance, because people and families are complex and I'm not sure how they decide to spend their money defines them in this way.

But we don't have to agree 🙂

Maybe it's unfair, but it's their money and they can do what they please with it. You don't need to be a rug for someone who doesn't care for your GC. You don't need to spend time with them if you don't want to.
If you are wondering what could have cause it... is there gender/sex disparity between your nephew and his cousin? Are other cousins female?
Are you of different religion to PIL and SIL? Did your DP had blessing from your PIL for your marriage?
Are your family in different way different from SIL family?
Unfortunately they can be unfair in million ways, but it's not illegal to be unfair to your grandchild... all you can do is stop contact stop caring.

No we dont, and your posts are thought provoking to me for sure even if I dont agree (unlike some posters who have been awful to the OP)

I do agree how they spend their money doesn't define them however OP has given other examples of how they have shown themselves which just doesn't sit right with me. Of course any threads are always one sided so I can only judge on what I have read.

There's nothing like getting to the teenage/young adult stage to make you properly reflect on what was normal for you growing up.
I find the 'things I'd never say to my kids but we're said to me' at key moments really interesting.
Most of us are prepared to accept that our early memories are a mix of photos, immature emotions and group memories but by the teen stage it all gets a bit more reliable.
So sorry for your DH.
Presumably the his parents estate is currently quite large. Might be worth hanging in there if it's going to be split fairly. However, the recent crazy GC treatment hints at the ability to not be conventional.

Is there any agency in enquiring from the in-laws in a mental health kind of way. Such a big gift, so out of character with the other GCs, is this a sign of decline or can you justify it.

@Famallama
Ok so taking the Ops side out if the equation, what do you imagine the grandparents thought reasoning is?

Why do you think they gave one grandchild £38k more than his sister and the other 4 cousins.
Why do you think they are taking that family on holiday and not the Ops?

Yes but with respect a 14 year old is very different to an 18 year old. £38k is likely to make a huge difference whether it be a car or a flat deposit.
I honestly can’t believe she would be ok with her younger brother getting such a difference in gift value. Or you?

But how would I know? I don't know anything about this family.

Maybe the other family live closer, have more shared interests, enjoy their time together more. Who knows?

Not every family is equal, in many different ways.

My MIL favoured her oldest of three grandchildren the same way, it’s resulted in a huge rift in our family and we are no longer on speaking terms with her. My husband confronted her about it on several occasions and she eventually said she would buy what she wanted and if that meant she was cut off then so be it. She actively chose buying extra gifts for one grandchild over having any relationship with her other two (and her son). I do not understand people who have favourite children and favourite grandchildren.

I agree, they shouldn’t keep giving and giving if they think they’re being taken for a ride. They should adjust their behaviour accordingly.

But I also think they should let go of their anger. It doesn’t need to be a massive feud. If they don’t give more than they’re willing to give, then there will be nothing to feel resentment about.

Totally, life is too short to be resentful. This is what we had to do with FIL, and my nan.

I don’t think it is unreasonable to hope for equitable treatment unless extenuating circumstances and to single out one could destroy sibling and cousin relationships- I cherish my cousins and am probably closer to them than my sister. I also think it is a ridiculously large gift for a person that age. Fair enough if the money were needed for medical bills or disability adaptation but it almost seems like deliberate troublemaking. I do believe people have the ditto do what they want with own money but this seems grossly unfair

Also, it’s very easy for a 14 year old to see it in such black and white terms when they’re not involved in it. I bet they’d feel differently if it actually happened to them. I’ve been there with my family - not to the vast sums here - and it’s bloody awful. Mine were about 12 when they saw the day to day difference for themselves … cue “why does grandma and grandpa treat us differently to x, y, z” IT IS HORRIBLE AND SO WRONG.

This post has made me reconsider my stance on this situation.

While I maintain that the grandparents have the right to decide how and where they spend their money and time, the idea that the children sense - and are hurt by - this doesn't sit well.

Although it's hard/impossible to know what relationships are like between grandchildren and grandparents, assuming all have similar connections, a discrepancy like this must raise questions in their minds.

There's always two sides to each story.

I'm the "favourite" grandchild. I call DNan multiple times a week. I take her shopping. I pick up jigsaws when I see them and drop them round. I order daft stuff from Amazon and have it delivered to her as a surprise because I know it will make her chuckle. I've hosted her for the last 18 Christmases. I go to church with her. When her car broke last week DH and I drove her about and took her car to dealership and got it MOT'd.

I'm one of 6 grandchildren. The rest would all claim they do plenty for DNan. They actually do virtually bugger all, but don't want to admit that.

Yes, my DC get more gifts from her. She she sees them 10 fold more than the other great grandchildren. Yes, she'll leave me more (whether it be sentimental value or financial value)

I can literally hear the others whining about "well obviously Hopscotch is the favourite, how unfair". Favourite, my arse. The one that cares, shows up, makes DNan feel like she has a family, sure. But acknowledging that means the slightest suggestion that they are selfish and entitled. Your existence in the same place of a family tree doesn't automatically entitle you to anything. Your actions are more reflective.

Yet dh was the one nursing his parents in their final months. He was the one calling every day, he was the one took his parents out and treat them, took our kids round most weekends.

but it was his sister and her children that were the favourites, that got holidays, house deposits, student loans paid, 18th, 21st, graduation gifts. They were the ones named in the will and left large sums of money.

it isn’t always the ones who do most that are golden.

I was the same as you, I still went round every week after I was married, then used to take my DC. I took her out and spent time with her, not one other grandchild did that with her at all. She often gave me gifts or paid towards bit and pieces but no way would she have ever singled me out and bought a bigger birthday present for me above my sibling or cousins, nor would she have left me more in her will. I was the only girl also so we did have a special relationship but the others really didnt bother.

My dad did everything for her on a daily basis but my uncle who popped in once a month when he could be bothered was the golden child for sure, it was more in how she spoke about him than monetary gifts. Its hurtful whatever.

I’m glad you’ve been able to see a different perspective here .. because when you live through it for 20 years, every day/week whatever, seeing and hearing the difference made between gc is heartbreaking, upsetting and downright annoying and painful. The attic business/holiday here is the straw that broke the camels back.

My fil called at my house one Sunday to drop something off with dh. In tow was the other grandson, who announced “oh, grandpa is taking me to x place now, we’re going to do xyz. My son is the exact same age as other grandson, and wasn’t invited. The hurt on my ds face was horrible. Grandpa shot the other grandson ‘a look’ immediately as he’d obviously been told to keep quiet. They hurried away. That’s one example .. the list is endless. It’s fucking horrible, to put it politely.

It makes absolutely no sense to me. Why on earth wouldn't your FIL invite your son on this trip with his cousin?

Did your DH ever say anything to his dad about the unfair favouritism towards the other grandson? There must come a point where going low or no contact is the only way to stop this happening. Obviously, your FIL won't see that he has done anything wrong, but at least your son won't know about the trips that his cousin is going on with their grandfather.