Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

Your in-laws spent 2k on your DC, that’s incredibly generous of them.

of course it’s relevant

Can you explain why it’s relevant?

Yes that’s the takeaway.

not they spent £38k more on their favourite 🙄

That is a generous amount for an 18th birthday. However, giving just one grandchild £40k for their 18th birthday is ridiculous and divisive. Five grandchildren received £10k between them while one grandchild gets four times the total amount spent on the other five. It does seem unfair.

I actually think that's ok. If he is closer to one than the others, that is fair enough. It would be different if he showed favouritism financially.

I would act accordingly towards them, based on the fact they don't appear to value your kids as much as the golden child. They can spend their money as they want, but it will have consequences when it's obviously favouring one over the others. Monetary value does matter when it comes to gifts when it's as obvious as this. You're bound to see them differently now.

That would really upset and annoy me. Have they always favoured this boy so blatantly over his siblings and cousins?

As a grandmother, I can’t imagine treating one of my grandchildren so differently to the rest. Indeed, when dh and I are thinking about presents for our existing grandchildren, we keep in mind the necessity to give similar gifts to any future grandchildren we might have.

I’m not surprised you’re upset - that’s a huge sum of money to spend on just one grandchild. A few hundred pounds more nobody would really care but thousands more is ridiculous!
Would your DH be prepared to ask his parents why they’ve done this? Would your DH want to discuss this with his other siblings whose children have received lesser gifts and approach their parents together?

It is generous and only sheer contrariness would cause one to even notice any unfairness.

Because it's relevant to may be explain why there's the unfairness

Is your DN the only boy grandchild/have special needs? Is this a reason why he’s received such a generous gift?
What happened on previous birthdays and at Christmas?

Because you’ve left out a hell of a lot of background here. Is it definitely something that is £40k? Or is that the value you’ve assumed? Is it a house deposit, for a GC that’s not going to university, and may come down the line for others? Is there financial support that the others are getting (e.g. at university), that your nephew isn’t getting?

I know it feels like it shouldn’t matter but do the GP spend a lot more time with the DN and consider their relationship better perhaps?

Are you joking? You would seriously not notice the difference between a 40k gift and a 2k one? That's nonsensical.

But how?

what sort of gift would explain the discrepancy?

I’ve already said it wasn’t sentimental, or something DN wanted or needed anymore than the other GC. I’ve given an example of the difference in values.

I haven’t left out any background. Except what the actual gift is which is irrelevant.

In fact I’ve explicitly stated this is a simple mater of favouritism.

there’s no special needs, there’s no financial support that’s been offered elsewhere that DN isn’t getting.

Maybe it’s just me, and my family, but I don’t think pure favouritism is shown by £38k!

They are always going to get different amounts to each other because they may share one set of grandparents but not the other.

If the grandparents have to fund them all to 40K then with 9 grandchildren that's 360K.

You're right.
I was joking

Here's the opposite: my aunt-in-law, in her 90s, has a LOT of nephews and nieces. She's leaving them all the same amount in the week that she's made fairly recently.
That would normally seem right to me, but half of the nephews and nieces live on the other side of the world and have dinner for several decades, and though some keep in touch sporadically, she hasn't seen any of them for a decade. Two-thirds of those still living in this country haven't bothered even with a phone call, for nearly a decade, despite her frequent attempts to keep contact them, and didn't bother attending the funeral of her sister, their other UK aunt, even though it was held only five miles away.

They are all getting the same amount as my sister in law, who sorts out all her aunt's affairs and problems, phones every week for a long chat, visits every month (from a considerable distance) and takes care of her DIY and garden.

So I no longer believe that equal shares is always the right decision.

I don’t think this is the same for OP’s family but my friend treats her grandchildren differently because one has two affluent parents and has a nice quality of life and the other born to a young single mother . If she didn’t step in with holidays / outings , nice gifts as birthdays and Christmas her grandchild would not have anything like what her friends have .

Completely unacceptable in my opinion. I'd tell them so as well.

I fully expect this to happen with my golden child brother's golden grandchildren...