Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

I think it's sad and has potential to influence the cousins relationships with each other.

I had cousins (A and B) that were obvious favourites. It's sad really because mine and my other cousins (C and D) parents tried not to take us around when they'd be there because it was obvious enough we'd be hurt by it when our paths did cross.
Cousin C is my best friend. (D just older and moved away so never close)
Cousin A I've not seen in 30 years. B lives nearby and we exchange awkward hellos every year or so when we bump into each other at Asda. I just didn't ever get to know them. It wasn't their fault our grandparents were shit!

'Life isn't fair'. 😂No, it's not, but that's no excuse for treating one of your children or grandchildren to a 20k gift when you've given all the others something worth 2k. Yes, 2k is more than most receive, but it's the disparity that's so galling. It would be just as bad to give one 200 if you gave the others 20.

I'd feel too guilty to give 4 dog treats to one of my dogs if I gave the other only 1, and they're 'just' dogs. If Dog1 saw Dog2 getting extras, you'd better believe they'd see and understand that it wasn't right. I don't see how anyone can honestly defend this, so I assume some people on here are trolling.

Meh, I couldn't get worked up about this. Life isn't fair.

These threads are always the following 3 pronouns…

’my husbands sister…’
(is treated better by their parents)

always.

maybe instead of casting all blame in the in-laws direction, maybe have a think about how much effort your husband has put in with his relationship with his parents, compared to his sister, and maybe rethink where to direct the blame.

I know so many women who phone their parents every week, make sure they’re invited to the dance shows, send a card on their birthday etc. most men I know (and maybe I just need to know better men admittedly) cba.

I see my daughter constantly and we hang out, my son not so much, there is no way I’d give my daughter a better gift, my relationship with them isn’t transactional, especially when they are teenagers

I feel for you. It is so unfair but there's nothing you can do but suck it up.

We have nephew, aged 32, lives in NZ but little to no contact with grandparents. I recently started looking after inlaws finances. They give him £500pcm and have been doing for the last 10 years.

I have dd1 who never sees GP and gets nothing - fine.

DD2 sees GP every week, at least twice a week. Does their shopping, etc. She got £20 for her birthday earlier this month.

Completely up to GP what they do with their money and DD2 will keep turning up as they need the help but boy is it frustrating! I just bite my tongue

I get the resentment. My children were absolutely my parents’ favourites because my parents were retired when they were born and spent massive amounts of time with them. They were young when their other grandchildren were born and just didn’t get the opportunity to be as close.

But - in terms of gifts, financial and other, they treated them all the same, even though they were considerably wealthier in later life.

You make some good points.

I would be fuming too OP and would back away from the relationship. Don't put your DC in the position of having to put up with blatant favouritism.

In some families boys are more important than girls. It was the case with my grandparents too. Boys carry family name. I know it sounds so weird but some people still think like that. Having said that not every one thinks like that and people can have their favourites for so many different reasons.

I thought @ThriveIn2025 came across as practical and sensible so just goes to show people can have different opinions :)

OP, there is no point in stressing about it - it's done. The grandparents have free will on this. You are just making things worse, you need to rise above it. Presumably your 18 year old is healthy and happy, and that's all that matters.

Kids get 2k for turning 18 now?!

My Gran gifted me a Filofax and I love it dearly.

(Blatantly favouritism between grandchildren is of course unacceptable)

I have never understood how anyone especially grandparents could do this, and it's a topic that pops up quite often on MN though maybe not quite as blatant as in your situation. I'm sorry your getting grief for your post from the pedants on top of the hurt caused by your incredibly biased in laws op. My only advice would be that the other grandchildren will be old enough to draw their own conclusions and it will be up to them how they view their relationship with their grandparents going forward, I wonder if your in laws realise how much damage they have potentially done.

Is it possible DB has a much closer relationship with them?

I used to visit my grandparents every weekend when I was in high school. I did their shopping, cleaned up around the house, did some cleaning, etc. For my 18th birthday, they gave me a used car while my cousins got much smaller gifts. This seemed unfair to my cousins, hut they visited maybe once ever few months or so, for lunch. They didn't realize that I visited my grandparents so often or that I did errands for them.

My nephew received £10 this week for his 16th birthday from his grandparents. They can afford a lot more.

Sorry, I saw that after. As annoying as it is I can’t see it being worth falling out as a family. Just don’t pass comment on it. Rise above it. Surely the GC won’t be going around bragging to the others.

As far as I’m aware there’s really no difference in the way in which my DN interacts with the GCs and I certainly don’t think my DC are any less charming although of course I would say that….

its just favourite child syndrome which makes it so fucking galling.

Is the nephew the only male grandchild?

Without more details it's hard to say.
When I turned 18 I got something which to others would have seemed like it was worth a lot less than what my cousins got for their 18th from my Grandparents. But to me it was worth so much more, they got jewellery I got a teddy bear. But not just any teddy bear; it was my Granddad's childhood teddy that I'd always loved since I was a toddler.
My grandad has passed away now - but I'll always have his teddy.

Money doesn’t equate to the amount he’s loved!

I genuinely don’t have a clue what my MIL gave the other grandchildren for big birthdays . How did it become apparent?
My lovely Mum always forgot what she had given our children and as a family we always laughed about the roulette at birthdays and Christmas. My children were my Mums only grandchildren so absolutely no comparisons…thankfully.

That is a jaw dropping amount-though &2k is pretty impressive but the discrepancy is unfair and hurtful. My sister and I were both given items when my granny died. -things we had loved as children- when we took them to a charity valuation day my coffee service was worth £150 while sister’s pairing was worth £4 k but it was fair because we got what we wanted. No excuse with non sentimental items

I honestly believe if my DC had been given the more expensive present I’d have felt awful. I’d also have been pretty angry on behalf of my less favoured DC.

I know DH would have been ashamed at the preferential treatment, especially if it was a reflection of him being the favourite and feel terrible for his siblings.

I totally get you Op.

I have one DC , my sister has three. We have our parents and BILs parents. Although lovely people it was clear some bonded better than others. It was the kids that picked up on it and luckily there was one “ special” GP for each child.

I would be realistic with the kids. They clearly see it. Reiterate its why we have appropriate behaviours - to stop unnecessary hurt feeling

Privately I’d do fuck all for the in laws anymore. If they say anything just say “ oh we thought we had upset you, such a disparity in the way the grandkids are treated”