Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

You don’t think seeing blatant favouritism towards just one of their cousins is going to affect the OP’s children, or, indeed, the other cousins, including the golden child’s sibling, @Ariana12? Seeing one child getting treats, trips, special treatment and now a massive sum of money, when they get treated so much worse by their grandparents isn’t going to cause any upset or hurt feelings? Really?

Previously you said “Again, it is their choice. Nothing to do with right or fair.”, @Famallama - so why doesn’t this apply equally to the OP’s dh’s decision not to help clear his parents’ loft?

You don’t think that the grandparents have to act rightly or fairly, but the OP and her family must - despite the poor treatment of their children?

Where have I said it doesn't? I'm not sure this is the 'gotcha' you intended.

You were the one saying that maybe the grandchild who got more money made more effort and was liked more, is that not transactional?

Hmm. Giving gifts can be transactional, but often it’s more than that- an expression of love, desire to bring a person you care about a little bit of joy etc.

As it doesn't sound as though OP's DH gets anything from his parents, unlike his sister, so no expressions of love or desire to bring to bring him joy, expecting him to clear out their attic which hardly falls into the category of an expression of love is pretty cheeky.

They have no right to be furious.

Really? I didn’t get that from this thread? I thought it was more about the fact that one of the DC got an insanely expensive 18th bday present , whereas the other cousins just got a very expensive one.

Well indeed! So applying that to this situation, to some it may look as if the GPs are expressing love x 20 to one GC.

Haven’t you just answered the question about what’s wrong with what the GPs have done?

But they also got the other GP an expensive gift!!!

The reality is DH might not clear his parents house because his efforts so far haven’t been appreciated. He is not punishing them but addressing his own needs.

It’s stupid to repeat the same behaviour and expect a different result.

Asking “are you ok” is rude because it suggests something they said means they aren’t well.
I’m sure the poster is perfectly well but just finds flaws in your comments.

I don't agree. To me it reads as 'I'll do what you ask so long as there's a financial reward' and the offer to clear the attic has been withdrawn because the PILs have behaved as the OP and her husband expect.

Thanks for the clarification RE asking if that other poster was okay.

That makes no sense as there was no financial reward for DH.
His kids had already got the 18th birthday £2k in previous years.

Then why withdraw the offer to clear the loft?

Yep. And quite rightly. If the GP think so little of the OPs family why would the OPs family possibly go out of their way to help them.

whilst love isn’t supposed to be transactional, when someone makes it clear that they value you less, you believe them. And adapt your behaviour accordingly.

As retribution for the more expensive gift they got nephew

What are you doing gaslighting your children?
They probably know there are favourites and you deny it.
Whats the point of that?
This is on their grandparents.
I never understand forcing a relationship that isn't good for your children.

Far healthier to make these people unimportant to your children and keep them on the far periphery of their lives if at all.

That is protecting your children, not lying to them.

As adults they will know the truth and that you lied to them.

YANBU .. massively unfair and divisive- but don’t just take the British go to option of saying nothing and silently seething . I would ask them why there is such disparity and do they realise how hurtful this is to other GC ? What you got to lose ? If they never speak to you again not much lost !

Because, as OP has said with many examples, her DH's parents are shitty people.

Yes, truly awful people who give thousands of pounds to their grandchildren as gifts.

Yes - unequally which is appalling

Honestly I’d have been delighted if I had GP who gave me 2k on my 18th birthday. Or at any time 🤣. Even if I also had a cousin who got more. Really I would. Def wouldn’t want to fall out with them over jealousy.

Likewise, but we're definitely in the minority with that opinion!

i wonder if o/p’s child had been a stepsibling whether the tread would have been different.

many times we see threads where stepsiblings are treated differently to biological GC, and the general consensus is it’s a terrible thing to do.

I don’t think anyone would think anything of it if at all, if it were a step cousin. Step - Sibling a few people would think general (small) gifts should be equal (but again hardly anyone says GP have equal obligations to bio GC and Step siblings when it comes to real money) and even with gifts and siblings, no way the majority would have an issue like on this thread.

I know, but you say gifts are often an expression of love, so on my point about it coming across as 20 x more love (an enormous amount more), what do you say to that?