Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

I didn’t say gifts express love in proportion to their financial value. That’s your suggestion.

I suspect that the only reason why your SIL raised it was that her older child was very unhappy about the situation.
I was surprised that so many posters were pestering you about what exactly it was. It doesn’t matter at all. It’s about their attitude. And it doesn’t matter if other GC are upset or not, their parents are welcome to post on MN about their feelings if they want.
I also think that actually milestone expensive gift is much more noticeable and makes favouritism much more obvious. No GC is sitting and counting how many times GPs took him and his cousin to a zoo. But if one got a bicycle for his 18th birthday and another a new car - the difference is pretty obvious.
I think your DH is right to be upset, no one saying that he should abandon his parents for this but 18 y.o. DN is perfectly capable of clearing the attic and should be the first point of call for this.

The people who see no problem with this type of behaviour from a grandparent are being obtuse. Of course this is going to cause hurt within the family.

As the kids are getting older are they all maintaining contact independently with their grandparents?
I'm not saying that should be a reason for favouring but it might be something of an explanation.
My siblings, cousins and I stopped being baby sat by / taken to my grandparents around the time we started secondary school.
I was the the only one who continued to visit independently and continued to do so until they passed away in my 30s.
I was clearly their favourite, but my grandma still insisted that we all got equal right up until she died. After she died though my grandad gifted me more than them. The issue came when he changed his will so that I inherited much more. My siblings and cousins were great about it and understood why. They refused my attempts to redistribute but I felt bad.
Just wondering if it might be something like that? Personally I will always keep things equal with my kids and any future gc to prevent this kind of bad feeling

I personally think it’s completely ridiculous to give a gift of £40k to any 18 year old anyway. And not healthy for him to be favoured so much over the other grandkids. It could really go to his head and he might show off by blowing the whole lot.

Obviously, he might be a very responsible young man, but spoiled young people rarely are. (And he obviously has been spoiled, as he’s been so favoured over his sibling.)

Obviously not the point of the thread.

Only if the family members let it. They could all just be gracious for what they receive.

The only time I can see this causing upset is if one family needs the money and doesn't receive it. But that doesn't sound like it's the case here.

Also who knows how this will pan put over time? Maybe the GPs will spend £40k on another GC next year.

You posted To me it reads as 'I'll do what you ask so long as there's a financial reward'

His kids have already had the £2k gift in previous years. So it’s not about the value of the gift as he wouldn’t have agreed to help in the first place.
He and the Op (rightly) don’t feel they have parity within the family. They are withdrawing help for that reason. its the inequity not cash value.

Why would you help people that don’t value you?

It’s my suggestion it could come across that way. That as gifts express love, it could come across as expressing more. And cause hurt.

Do you agree that a gift giver should think about that when giving?

really? That’s your interpretation?! 🙄

After almost 50 years of being the less favoured child, periodically addressing it and being brushed off as unreasonable/oversensitive/childish and 20 years of our DC being the less favoured GC and again DH being brushed off/it being suggested he’s imagining it, DH has in the last week realised that absolutely his DC are treated worse and the gift giving has highlighted that.

in that same time frame he learns that whilst he’s been asked to perform a long and labour intensive task his DSis and family is on the receiving end of an extravagant holiday and honestly I think his head is wrecked.

up until now it’s been death by a million cuts, but these two things in such quick succession have hurt him very much.

and of course my DC are hurt. They’re very much aware they are not priorities and that their GPs have little interest.

I have kept relationships going - not because I like the drama - but because I have no family at all (I am an only child of only children who died 30+ years ago).

@PupPupPupAndAway

It’s so sad. I wonder why they are like this? Also wonder why his favoured sibling doesn’t do more? Surely they question why their brother and family doesn’t get to come on holiday.

Theres really no good outcome to this re his parents. They aren’t going to acknowledge they are doing anything wrong. I should imagine that’s you guys out if the inheritance too. Sad for your kids. Hopefully the cousins stay friends even if you guys pull back.

I can understand why OP feels upset and angry - it’s a very hurtful thing for her PILs to have done. But at least her children have been treated the same so their relationships with each other will be ok. I imagine it could be very different in SILs house. In favouring one GC they are damaging his relationships - and that’s a horrible thing to do. If my younger brother had been in that position I’m sure it would affect our relationship now - and it’s 50 years since we were 18.

OP, you're absolutely not being unreasonable imo and I suspect those arguing that you are have never truly seen or felt the effects of such disparity within the family unit. Either that or they're being contrary for the sake of it. My MIL is so poor at concealing her favouritism that my DC and their cousins noticed before they were even 10 years old. She very clearly has a golden child (or more accurately a golden DIL) and in turn a golden GC (who is embarrassed by the situation). No one else gets a look-in. MIL is only interested in other people if they are of use to her and then it is very transactional. Now that my DC are adults, I have withdrawn from her completely and will only do anything for her if it benefits us. Her loss.

@Famallama did you read the OP at all??? 9 grandchildren! 8 of them altogether received a birthday gift totalling less than half of the 9th grandchild!! if that is not preferential treatment then I dont know what is!! take into account also the better presents over the years, the day trips, the holidays etc etc!! I would have been no contact years ago!!!

Yes I read the OP post.

It must be really hard for your dh op, I have 2 children of my own and I really cannot imagine treating them so differently. Good on your dh for saying no to the grunt work and stepping back a bit, I imagine he needs to spend some time processing things, let sil step up to the plate.

Honestly some posters are against an OP regardless, some of the comments on here are insane!

Decent people would never treat family in this way, I am sorry your DH has been upset by his parents actions but sometimes its a good thing to be enlightened by a specific event/s as it makes you realise where your priorities lie and what energy you should put into certain people/situations.

It’s not the relationships you should disengage from, it’s your need for the grandparents to be perfect people.

They are less than perfect. Until you accept that, it is your peace and happiness (and your children’s) that will suffer.

Some things you can change, and you should change them. Other things you can’t change and all you can do is accept that fact, otherwise you’re bashing your head against a brick wall. Other people’s flaws fall into this second category.

You can love the grandparents and be in their lives while simultaneously knowing that they’re apparently unfair in their treatment and this is poor of them. You can know that it doesn’t reflect badly on your children, that they don’t need to let affect their self-esteem, but that it’s just an issue the grandparents have. None of us are perfect.

I think that’s exactly what the Op has been doing for the last 20 years.
There’s no need for her or her husband to put up with them now though is there?

OP has obviously tried really hard to have a relationship with her in-laws but their treatment of their son (OP's DH) and his children has made these grandparents very difficult to love. OP and her DH have come to the end of their tethers and are now dropping the rope.

Im sorry that the GP (and Dsis) behaviour is so overt. I hope you and your DH (and dc) find comfort in prioritizing each other and establishing a relationship which works for you all.

I’m a firm believer in play silly games, win silly prizes… if the gp can’t see how this causes tension be that among the GC or siblings or in terms of who helps care for them, then so be it.

Well done to your DH. You've obviously tried very hard to build a good relationship with your PiLs but they don't deserve it. Their treatment of your DC is incredibly cruel, especially as grandparents. I can't imagine it! Anyway, they've made their bed so fuck 'em

I get that some people think the OP was being reasonable, but honestly, I don’t see it that way.

At the end of the day, they’re pulling back from the PILs because they don't agree with how they choose to spend their money.

To me, personally, that’s just not a good reason to start distancing from family.

It makes the whole thing feel really transactional, like love and effort are measured in money.

Absolutely this. Thank you for such an articulate post.

Its got nothing to do with how they choose to spend their money, how can you not see that. There have been several things listed by the OP on how they show favouritism, this is juat yet another one but is very tangible.

The PILs love and effort is shown in the money they spend and is also shown in their effort as OP has described, they are spending 40k on one grandchild, taking one child (parent of said grandchild) on holiday but asking the other child to clear the bloody loft to name just a few. How is that ok?

It makes the whole thing clear how the PIL feel about one sibling/their family so then the OP/her family are well within their rights to pull back and give similar effort and love back.

I really dont believe anyone would be ok with this! Let them spend their money how they want but its bloody spiteful and very obvious who they favour by doing this!

@TheFairyCaravan I'm several pages in and can't see who the GC are.

Eg you have one GC and the other four are different siblings also treated differently.

I only ask because for some reason some people may think well x has four DC and went spent a totally of 20 grand so it's only fair to spend 20 on ys one