Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

I do think parent having a favourite child is very different to a grandparent having a favourite GC,
For example, lots of people (most?) are closer to one gp than others- it doesn’t mean they don’t love or value their other gp.

It’s not that the relationship is transactional, it’s more that if my grandparent showed that they valued me less than my cousin, I wouldn’t feel inclined to spend time with them. They’re the ones who have placed an unequal value on the relationship after all.

Oh and of course the GPs don’t have an obligation to be fair - but if that’s the road they’ve gone down, neither do the recipients.

How certain are you that the 40k present is actually fully paid for by them? For example, if it’s a car, it could be that they paid a deposit and the child or child’s parents are funding the rest. Is that perhaps why you’re being so cagey about what the present is? Because you don’t want reasoned arguments from anyone on mumsnet?
Be 100% sure of the facts before you act on this / build up resentment.

Why does amount spent on gifts translate to you as “valuing you less”?

@Tandora - I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one. I would never give gifts of wildly differing value to family members, you would. Cool. You being prepared to risk harmonious family relations for this odd hill to die on looks, to me, unhinged. I’m sure you have your reasons. You will not ever be able to persuade me that giving hugely different value gifts is anything other than unfair and unkind.

I think this now falls under “you do you and deal with the consequences”

i never said anything about my own gift giving practices so no idea where all those assumptions are coming from.
Also, I’m not sure why we can’t disagree without one person accusing the other of looking “unhinged”.
But- to respond in kind - “you do you”. 🙂

I don’t think you seem unhinged because you disagree with me. I think it’s unhinged to give wildly different gifts and NOT expect it to affect family relations.

If you and a colleague have the same job description, you’re both equally good at the job, but they are paid double your wage…

what’s your conclusion and reaction?

do you think oh it’s their money and if they want to pay us differently fair enough?

or do you think fuck that, they clearly don’t value me as much as colleague, I’m off where I’m paid a fair, or at least an equal wage.

if family clearly value one child or grandchild by giving them huge gifts and everyone else nothing, I’d have the same reaction. I’m off to spend my time with people who value me.

i don’t want big gifts. I want to be treated and valued equally.

Is this the analogy really? Do you see your family relationships as a form of wage-transactional labour and the wage is the monetary value of gifts ???

I can't understand why the OP doesn't disengage. Why is she letting them have power? Is she actually enjoying the drama? I can remember, as a child, getting some gifts from an aunt that irritated my mother. I liked the gifts and the aunt, although the former were a bit quirky. I couldn't understand why my mum was getting worked up and kept saying my aunt must have got them cheaply. It seemed to offend her badly. In neither that case nor the OP's was this about the recipients of the gifts, but about the parents. What you say about self esteem is true.

But a workplace and a family are two very different environments. In a workplace, people are there primarily to make money. It would be perfectly reasonable for one person who does the same job to expect the same salary.

I don't think the same can be said about families, and it's this expectation that causes issues.

I'd be glad as now you know. So when they need support in whatever way they can go to the DGC they've favoured.

Or the grandchildren can make up their own minds about whether they wish to offer support, regardless of how much they've benefitted financially over the years.

They may not see things in such a cold, transactional way.

In the situation where my children are not the favourite GC, my SIL wouldn't ever say anything. I believe she believes it is karma for her not being the favourite child (who knows).

I wonder whether anyone who benefits from favouritism ever speaks up themselves?

My grandmother, who is great grandmother to my children (obviously) is far closer to them because I am always round there, I make a huge effort. She has shown it before with more birthday money etc. I have mentioned that I would prefer she didn't. She also favours my son over my daughter. I actually didn't know this until I overheard her friend talking to her on the phone on loudspeaker and the friend said 'Oh, your favourite great grandchild is there' when it was just me and my son at the house. My gran went bright red and tried to shut her friend up. I did talk to her afterwards and said 'as log as you don't show it gran', but she is 90, so soon I expect she won't give a dog's fart what she says or what she does!

So now you start with the value judgments about how people spend their time. I thought you didn’t do that? You’ve told us time and again that people have free choice how to spend their time.

But when it comes to the DH’s choice whether to clear out the loft, in you jump with a judgment about it.

I understand your frustration my in-laws always favoured my neice (who is lovely btw) took her holidays abroad, picked her up from school (we had to get a childminder), bought her school uniform, took her to see Santa, had a saving account set up for her not one gor our daughter etc etc i could fill a page with differences. never had my daughter once over night or any alone time. they did the same with sIL over my husband (clearly favoured their daughter over their son mainly the father but mother was complicit by not sticking up for her son) but you reap what you sow my daughter (now 30) never visits them we rarely visit them. Now they are retired they want to be involved in our and our daughters life - but no thanks we have a beautiful successful daughter but both SIL and neice are still controlled by them

Sorry, where's the value judgement in my post?

You seem determined to try and 'catch me outline this thread. Are you okay?

I think posters are cagey because they don’t want to be too identifying.
Lots of people have already said Op has given too many details.

You used the word “punishment”. That’s a value judgement.
By not doing the work DH is stepping back. It’s about matching the energy so the relationship is balanced.

‘As a punishment’. You clearly judge the decision not to clear out the loft.

If you post opinions, people might argue with them. It’s not catching out, it’s just debate.

‘Are you okay?’ is a bit rude but whatever.

That's not a value judgement, it's the reality of what's happening. There's no opinion there.

Asking 'Are you okay?' is rude? How?

@PupPupPupAndAway @eastegg @Famallama We just know the OP is fuming and wants to tell the elderly PIL to f off. And leave them to clear out their attic on their own as a punishment. I would most certainly be telling them to f off and to also clear their own attic!! they have no right to presume that their own son will help after them after that slap in the face!! I would go no contact now just to make sure my children are not subjected to anymore of the preferential treatment being given to the other gc and making them feel "less than"!!!! that is a horrible thing to feel!!

But we don't know what the GC - or the rest of the family - feels. Only that the OP is fuming (hopefully a little less now given this is a week later!)

I wouldn't tell the PILs to f* off over this - or withhold support - but we all see the world in different ways.

That is what the DH is doing though? It’s an act of retaliation/ retribution as a direct result of the expensive gift to the nephew.