Unfair Grandparent Gifts

[PupPupPupAndAway]

My PILs have given my nephew an expensive 18th birthday gift and I’m fuming.

DH is one of four DC, there are a total of 9 GC. 5 have already turned 18 and have been given lovely gifts. This weekend DN turned 18 and was given a gift worth 20x what the other GC had been given.

DH is upset, but to worried about fall out to say anything. I’m angry and want to tell them to fuck off. We won’t say anything but AIBU that such obvious favouritism in a family is really shitty.

I disagree that “lowering expectations” makes you sad and downtrodden.

In fact, I think you need high self-esteem
to be capable of chilling out about this kind of thing.

If you have high self-esteem, you seek out people who value you and treat you well. You choose people who meet your high expectations.

However, you don’t get to choose everybody who’s in your life. Family, for example.

If you have high levels of trust, you will believe the best of these people. You will cut them some slack, assuming they have their own sensible motives for what they do, even if it isn’t obvious what they are. You will feel happy believing you are surrounded by nice people and they will be nicer people around you, reacting to your trust in them. And you would probably be right in your assessment, given that most people most of the time believe that their own motives are good.

Your high self-esteem will allow you to let them live their lives their own way. You will be self-sufficient. You will not expect money from them because nobody has the right to expect money from anybody else (apart from when parents are bringing up children). That is what having low expectations is all about: not hanging your hopes, and your happiness, on things that might never happen. Being a bit more easy-come-easy-go.

If they do actually disappoint you, you will emotionally disengage, rather than give them the power to make you unhappy. So, in this situation, you would stop trying to persuade your children that their grandparents love them all equally. It is apparently not the truth and you’re getting yourself tangled up in something that probably just needs to be accepted as a fact, or forgotten about. It needs to become less important.

When you let their behaviour make you this unhappy, you are letting them dictate the agenda, which is surely not what you want. Your family doesn’t need to be upset by their odd choices.

@Famallama it is about parity! do you not understand??? I understand perfectly how @PupPupPupAndAway feels having gone through years of watching this happen to my children!! my mother's golden grandchild eventually got the family house! the other grandchildren got zilch!!!!!

So because your ILs only got dc a 2k gift for their 18th instead of a 40k gift your DH refuses to help his elderly parents clear the loft?

Because it's obvious that SIL and one of her children are the golden child/grandchild and OP's DH is the less favoured child who is good enough to do unpleasant jobs for his parents but not good enough to be treated equally to his sister.

At some point, the 'scapegoat' child will reach the end of their tether and put in boundaries. That is what OP's DH has done. Why can't his sister help them clear the loft?

That must be so hurtful, not only to your children but to yourself as a reminder of the favouritism that you affected you as a child. Really sorry that they’ve done that.

@Tandora Another wind up poster?!

They didn’t Op has explained several times about the dynamics ; grandparents favourite child now has the favourite grandchild.
Clearly ongoing, as the brothers family are going on holiday with grandparents and Ops DH is doing work for them

Also they didn’t “only” get £2k as if thats that’s the problem. One child and one only got singled out for a £40k gift.

Sorry if this has already been addressed, haven’t read full thread comments, but do the child’s parents have significantly different financial circumstances to the rest of you? For example, have the grandparents given a gift that also helps out the parents financially eg a car?

Not sure this is your business. Has it affected your children?

It astounds me how many people seem to think they would just shrug this level of unfairness off. I would be so angry and hurt if my in laws so blatantly favoured one grandchild over the others. In fact I do think my in laws slightly favour their two grandchildren from the golden child (BIL) but they are always scrupulously fair when it comes to birthdays and Xmas and they even insisted on showing us their will, showing an even 4 way split between the four grandchildren.

I know they favour their others partly because we live overseas so naturally they are closer with their home turf ones. But there were quite a few comments when they were smaller - including once where we offered to pay for them to have a holiday home where we live so they could spend half a year here and they said they would “miss the other grandchildren too much” (ouch!).
But financially they have always both been fair and have gone out of their way to be seen to be fair.

What will be really interesting to observe is the value of the 18th birthday gift for GC numbers 7, 8 and 9. That should clarify if this is down to a change in their financial circumstances or totally just singling out 1 GC as a favourite!

They’re singling that grandkid over his sibling, as well as the other grandkids, so it clearly is blatant favouritism. I really don’t see how it can be seen in any other way. Very hurtful to the other sibling.

If this blatant favouritism has been going on for so long why are you still so invested in this relationship and why are you doing so much to facilitate it rather than your DH. As soon as you realised your children were being treated as second class grandchildren your DH should have put boundaries in place.
Now is probably the time to take a step back and let your DH handle his family and the dynamics that go with it. I doubt whatever you say to them is going to change anything.

Good- I’m glad your husband told them no he won’t waste his time helping them. Please stand up to these Pil - they sound awful & controlling of the family.

So the son & grandchildren have a choice to not want to spend time with or help out the grandparents then. Support & appreciation go both ways. Why is it the grandparents can treat everyone except a chosen few of the family like dirt but everyone in the family has to dote on them nevertheless.

Op you are not wrong. Totally understand what you’re saying. I would feel the same

i 100% would call them out on it and ask directly why they did it and how they think it’s ok and what message sends the other gc. Of course it’s their money and can do what they like with it, but I’d be having nothing more to do with them

I hate this favouritism in families

It astounds me how many people seem to think they would just shrug this level of unfairness off.

I don’t understand why it’s GP’s obligation to be “fair” though? Their GC are not their financial responsibility? It’s lovely that they choose to give them all gifts- all of significant value it seems. If they choose to give particularly expensive gifts to one, surely that is their prerogative, and why/ how does it negatively affect the others?

Her Sil, brother in law & chosen nephew can do that when they come back from their paid for holiday from the grandparents/parents. Support & appreciation go both ways. Just because they’re older doesn’t make them nice people or worthy of support. They’ve clearly shown that

In that same thought then the other grandchildren have no ‘obligation of fair’ back to their grandparents. No need to offer support & time spent back if it’s ok for the grandparents to choose where they offer their time & support.
& of course it will affect the other grandchildren. This train of thought just makes you sound like most grandchildren would hate you- I would

It astounds me how people think this is unfair, life is too short to worry about things like this, I wouldn't treat my children, grand children like this, but at the same time I don't have any expectations from parents / grand parents, it's their money, they can do with it as they wish, same way I can with my own money.

of course they are not obliged to provide support, but personally I think it’s a bit petty to refuse to help your elderly parents clear their attic because they only gave your DC a 2k gift when they gave another a 40k one.

@Tandora and that’s fine for you - personally I am a fair person and would never show favouritism between grandchildren.

I hear about family rifts on here sometimes and wonder how they come about and then read posts like this and think “well yes”.

There’s no way I would be encouraging my children to spend any time with a grandparent who showed that they didn’t think much of them in comparison to the favoured one. You reap what you sow in life.

There’s no way I would be encouraging my children to spend any time with a grandparent who showed that they didn’t think much of them in comparison to the favoured one.

I think that’s really short sighted (and an example of cutting off the nose to spite the face).
I adore my granny and she loves me. Wouldn’t be without that relationship for the world. I’m not the favourite grandchild, there’s clearly one favoured cousin, but the particular closeness of their relationship , doesn't need to get in the way of our relationship. The two things are separate. Some people are closer to others and those relationships go both ways. Thats just the reality of life imv.

A few posts here read as if time and support is given on a transactional basis.

'You gave me/kids/grandchildren a gift worth £xxxx, so in return I will/won't clear your attic etc.'

I certainly don't see life that way and feel sorry for those that do.

I can see the point you're trying to make, but this isn't the situation here. I can imagine one child being left a house causing stress and upset. I'm sorry that happened in your family.

But in this instance all grandchildren got something, but one got more than the others.

How that person - and the other grandchildren - feel about this, we don't know.

We just know the OP is fuming and wants to tell the elderly PIL to f* off. And leave them to clear out their attic on their own as a punishment.

OP's DH has obviously had enough of his parents treating him and his sister so differently (which also extends to one of his sister's children). His sister gets invited on holidays that her parents have paid for and one of her children receives a £40k birthday gift. OP's DH just get asked to do jobs around their house. He is being perfectly reasonable to say no. They are obviously very wealthy so could afford to employ someone to clear out their attic or they can ask the golden child, OP's sister, to do this for them.

As parents and grandparents you can have favourites and even shower them with gifts, money and holidays but you can't expect the less favoured children and grandchildren to be happy with this and to expect your relationship with them to be undamaged.