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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I actually done anything wrong?

374 replies

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 09:55

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

OP posts:
FreyaW · 29/07/2025 13:01

5foot5 · 29/07/2025 10:33

I am absolutely staggered that your DH seems to think you should be bending over backwards to comply with your brother's unreasonable request and that you are actually questioning whether you have done anything wrong.

Frankly I would have given him both barrels and told him he was lucky you agreed to see the new woman at all so soon after the split. I know you probably don't want to lose contact with your brother but he sounds like he is behaving like a bit of an arse.

I think I would respond that you have decided you will not be removing any photographs in your house as you still have a relationship with SIL and his children. He and his new GF can like it or lump it.

I see it now... 👍

Carodebalo · 29/07/2025 13:03

You did nothing wrong!
Many years ago, my fairly new boyfriend and I visited his parents. On my way to the bathroom, just like what happened in your story, were many photos hanging on the wall that had my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend in them. I met him long after they broke up, but knew of her existence. I am not going to lie: it was not great to be so confronted with her in all these photos and to have it ‘visualised’. But did I complain? Of course not! I said nothing, also not to my boyfriend. I completely understood she had been a part of their family for quite a long time. (He later dumped me and went back to her, but that’s another story. So maybe good they left the photos hanging!) Anyway. You did nothing wrong. It was very kind of you to have her over, knowing you are close to your SIL. I’d tell your brother that you want to support him, and want to be welcoming to his new GF. But under no circumstances will you take all photos with your SIL away, definitely not so soon, and especially not given how this all happened! They can’t dictate what’s going on in your house - they are being very unreasonable.

SunnySideUK77 · 29/07/2025 13:04

‘db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise’

then she is the one driving this drama. She knew the situation she has to live with it. There’s no re-writing history

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 29/07/2025 13:05

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 10:30

I met her because my brother wanted me to and as it is I think I risk losing my relationship with him now for causing issue if I don’t make things right.

Lovely, sometimes someone puts you in a position you don't want to be in at all.

He's being entirely unreasonable and you do know it.

Either you knuckle down to his demands (and give him that power) or you retain your integrity and tell him your SiL is the mother of your nephews

UpDo · 29/07/2025 13:06

He's lucky you had him and his OW in your house so quickly, and your DH is on glue.

Jenkibuble · 29/07/2025 13:06

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 09:55

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

YANBU....

My mum still has a wedding pic of me and my ex up (we amicably split 5 years ago) - she says it is for my kids' sake .

I will ask her to take it down if I ever take another partner there.

Spindrifts · 29/07/2025 13:07

Please stand up to your brother and your husband. This is your decision and stand by it. Who are they to dictate to you what you should and should not be doing? Tell them to mind their own business, be grateful for what you do and stand up to your full height. The new woman will need to get used to your brother's past. You cannot eradicate the past spent with family members. He sounds like a controller. We need to stand up and state our position. No, is a good place to start. Sorry, when you get to my age you stand up because you have nothing to lose.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 29/07/2025 13:08

Your DB may have allowed this woman into his life and while doing so turned your DSil's life upside down but like hell should you let her do it to yours.

Your DB has no right in dictating what you do in your own home, you're not someone he can trample over.

You make it sound as though you're indebted to him.
You've nothing to put right.
It's all down to him if the relationship between you two goes sour.

It's your house and all that's in it is there because you choose to have it there.
If in time your choices change so be it.

This woman also has choices, that includes not having to visit you therefore not seeing photos.

Your DH also needs to be the man of his own house and not let his DBil dictate what pictures hang on his walls.

WimbyAce · 29/07/2025 13:09

No you have done nothing wrong, would be odd to go around taking down photos! How long has he been with this new woman anyway?

ForNoisyCat · 29/07/2025 13:10

Meadowfinch · 29/07/2025 10:02

YANBU It is your house and your memories.

His new GF will have to develop a thicker skin if she wants to live with someone who has been married before. She can't simply erase twenty years of his past.

Spot on response!!

VelociraptorsVelociRapping · 29/07/2025 13:10

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. I have family and friends who are surprised that I haven't taken down the family photos in my house featuring STBXH but no matter what I think of him and what he has done he remains my children's father and this remains their home. Attempting to erase him won't do any good and could well do some harm.

Your brother is currently rewriting history into a narrative that he can live with. He's done something awful and he has to justify it to himself to be able to look himself in the mirror. You don't have to collude with this. Please keep the lines of communication open with your former SIL and let her know that she has your support. In many ways I found the wall of silence from my former in-laws even more painful than my STBXH's betrayal.

Ohwhydidntijustkeepmymouthshut · 29/07/2025 13:12

You are in the wrong. You let them visit after he left your SIL you are apparently very close to after only a few weeks. By not picking a side you have picked a side and unfortunately it looks likely to be the wrong one. He was testing the water by asking to bring her and when you not only agreed but put on a bbq and had a nice afternoon with her you have him the confidence to tell you to take the photos down.
This will have hurt your SIL and that relationship may never recover. At this point it might just be best to go all in with your brother instead of losing both sides.
I should also point out that by hosting her you have condoned his behaviour and your DH has noticed this. He’s on board for completely wiping out the wife to replace with the new girlfriend. This would be a massive red flag to me and I’d be addressing this.
mid also tell the OW if she doesn’t like the photos she doesn’t have to visit.

DarcyProudman · 29/07/2025 13:12

Not a chance in hell I’d have had her anywhere near my house. She thought it was okay to nab herself a married man (yes, I know it’s his fault, not hers… apparently). But she sounds vile as does your brother.

lowlight · 29/07/2025 13:15

Why didn't he ask you to remove the photos in advance?
Was it because it hadn't crossed his mind that it would be a problem and he hadn't realised new girlfriend was such a freak?

Perhaps she didn't realise he had an ex wife or children. Does she not realise they will be very much a part of your brothers life forever?

Linguist1979 · 29/07/2025 13:15

I think you’ve made a massive mistake meeting the OW if you want to maintain a relationship with your SIL. My XH moved the OW in a week after I moved out and 10 years later and well over it, I won’t see the people who just seemingly welcomed her into their family a week later without questioning it. Fair enough if they stay together and time has passed, but the speed of meeting and acceptance is what I took issue with. Do not take the photos down!

Lionness5 · 29/07/2025 13:15

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 10:30

I met her because my brother wanted me to and as it is I think I risk losing my relationship with him now for causing issue if I don’t make things right.

YOU HAVENT CAUSED ANY ISSUES. He has, the cheating prat.

simpsonthecat · 29/07/2025 13:16

I think the OP has caused a lot of issues by playing happy families with a new girlfriend weeks after the brother ditched his wife of 20 years.
It's mean, disloyal and nasty

ShortRun · 29/07/2025 13:17

As someone who was the new girlfriend ( many years had also passed since his seperation and divorce) I was not bothered at all. My now MIL had pics of the husband and his ex wife on display the first time I went to stay ( we don't live in the same country) nine years on those pics have been replaced by our wedding pics not at my suggestion either . Would it be strange if I was part of the family now and his old wedding pics were up.... Probably. But he also has kids with ex so of my MIL said thats part of their memories if respect that. Maybe it IS because I feel so strong in my relationship? Some of his friends will start reminiscing over na old memory and then go quiet when it comes to mentioning his ex wife and I always pull them up on it to say "don't be stupid and not tell the story because you have to mention her , I can't erase the past, my husband was married before me ...big deal" I have step kids and regardless of their parents relationship now at some point they were conceived in love, I never want them to feel otherwise.

Disturbia81 · 29/07/2025 13:18

Linguist1979 · 29/07/2025 13:15

I think you’ve made a massive mistake meeting the OW if you want to maintain a relationship with your SIL. My XH moved the OW in a week after I moved out and 10 years later and well over it, I won’t see the people who just seemingly welcomed her into their family a week later without questioning it. Fair enough if they stay together and time has passed, but the speed of meeting and acceptance is what I took issue with. Do not take the photos down!

Yeah these things should be delayed.. meeting family, meeting kids, out of respect. YANBU op
Let me guess OP, she’s younger..

LBFseBrom · 29/07/2025 13:21

Pinknotpurple · 29/07/2025 09:59

No you have not done anything wrong, he is an ungrateful brat.

If his new woman can't cope with family pictures I don't give this relationship longer than 6 months.

I agree and your sister in law is the mother of his children, that counts for something surely. he should know better than to berate you.

FinchAddict · 29/07/2025 13:23

I think your brother has gone home from your house and realised his new gf isn't as carefree and fun as she was when she was a bit on the side. He's now dealing with her being upset over a few photos when he was hoping for a good shagfest. Bless, it's all got a bit complicated for him.

God can you imagine if the kids talk about their mum or he needs to speak to his ex about the kids/arrange contact etc. His new gf is going to spontaneously combust. Yes, much easier to blame it all on you and your awful photographs.

Anyone in a relationship with someone who was married for a long time has to accept there will be photos/memories/stories/friendships shared that include the ex. More so if there are children from their previous relationship. Not to say that it is easy, but it has to be expected.

Marscleo · 29/07/2025 13:24

Your brother sounds like a total scumbag

Maryberrysaga · 29/07/2025 13:24

Good lord, don't they have a high opinion of themselves! It's your house, you can have up pictures of who you want. Do they really think that revealing the ow will mean you immediately eliminate all traces of your SIL, to whom you are "close"? Selfish, entitled, idiots. You have done nothing wrong. If they don't like it, feel free not to come back. That happens quite a lot in these situations as I am sure they are going to discover. They will not be welcomed everywhere and for what it's worth, in your situation, I wouldn't have invited them in the first place.

Tartanboots · 29/07/2025 13:26

Your brother sounds rather bossy OP. Putting it mildly! Do you normally let yourself be dictated to? Your family pictures in your home are your business. What does he expect you to do, have blank spaces on your walls where the pics containing SIL used to be? They are your memories! He can't just remove all evidence of 2 kids and a 20 year marriage. He needs to own it not airbrush it. If his new girlfriend lasts maybe she'll be on your wall someday.
You've been very hospitable having him and her over. He's possibly been ostracised from everywhere else so is feeling got at, and you've taken the brunt. If he's going to take offence so easily that's up to him. You've been very welcoming and should not need to apologise at all.
Hopefully you can still have a relationship with the nephews and SIL too, but be prepared for them to be upset if they find out you've had the new woman round. You're in an awkward position.

jimbort · 29/07/2025 13:29

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but I think you need to think about what you want to do. Like are you going to cut off your sister in law to keep your brother or are you going to risk your relationship with your brother to keep your relationship with sister in law. This is awful. My brother did this sort of thing as well and has cut me and my sister off for still seeing his ex. To be honest it’s not a big loss as the woman he is now with is an absolute nightmare. I am yet to meet anyone who likes her. At our mums funeral she was wearing the kind of heels pole dancers wear. I think it amounts to insecurity as she hates being compared to his ex and objectively she’s bigger and not very nice looking. They are still together 10 years on. I did miss my brother at first but hardly even think of him any more. He totally changed towards me and my kids. He used to be a fun uncle but he was critical to my sons after he got with his parter. And wouldn’t hear a word of anything good about his now ex wife so trying to reason with him was completely pointless as history had completely been rewritten to make her the one in the wrong. I don’t regret doing the right thing. My sister in law was struggling enough without me and my sister making it worse by acting like she didn’t exist and rewriting history. And it wasn’t like we had her living with us, we just disobeyed his order to cut her off. It’s his loss. I certainly wouldn’t want his life. The bit about causing problems for him by having those pictures up rings massive alarm bells. Also just how dare she.