Page 8 | Have I actually done anything wrong?

ohfourfoxache · 29/07/2025 12:37

Personally I’d be telling him to go fuck himself

gamerchick · 29/07/2025 12:38

Tell him to fuck off and to come back when he's grown up a bit.

Hankunamatata · 29/07/2025 12:38

Why the hell are you bending over backwards to you brother who has dumped his wife and shipped in a replacement
I imagine your sil and nephews is gutted you went along with this. I would have told brother its too soon and he needs to wait a bit
He is looking for validation for his shitty behaviour and you don't have to give it.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 29/07/2025 12:40

Your brother sounds like a dick. Hell would freeze over before I apologised for something like this.

He’s entitled to pursue whatever relationship makes him happy, but for him to bring over someone so quickly I can only assume this started as an affair? Says a lot about both of them.

Additionally, is she 20? No mature woman would expect him to pretend he doesn’t have 2 decades worth of family history with his ex.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/07/2025 12:41

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 10:30

I met her because my brother wanted me to and as it is I think I risk losing my relationship with him now for causing issue if I don’t make things right.

If you apologise to your brother and his girlfriend, you are making things wrong, not right.

If the girlfriend has a massive tantrum because you have some family photos of your brother, SIL and her kids, how do you think she is treating your nephews as they will be a walking/talking reminder of your brother's marriage to your SIL? I can't imagine that she is welcoming them with open arms. Your brother is a disloyal cheating arsehole and she is an entitled brat.

Aren't you worried about ruining the relationship with your SIL? Imagine how hurt she will be when she finds out that not only did you host a bbq for your brother and his girlfriend but that you have apologised for the family photos which include your SIL and you have agreed to take them down. You could lose the close and loving relationship that you have with your nephews as I can't imagine that your brother will be facilitating that relationship like your SIL does.

FreyaW · 29/07/2025 12:41

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 09:55

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

Your SIL is part of YOUR family..Mother to your nephews/neices. Your brother is a dick if he thinks you're going to erase her because he's shagging someone else...
Tell your brother this ASAP

Namechangerage · 29/07/2025 12:41

If their relationship is so fragile that the new partner can’t handle seeing photos of him and his ex then they have bigger issues…

To your brother I would say: Hi brother thanks for your message. As my nephews come round a lot I’m not just removing all the photos straight away. Have you not thought about how that would affect them. Or is your relationship more important?

Plus why do you think I have the time to drop everything and change all my photos just because you have made a sudden decision? I respect your relationship but I’m not allowing you to demand I change my home without you respecting my feelings and time.”

I know it’s nuclear but fuck him and his selfishness.

gamerchick · 29/07/2025 12:42

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 10:30

I met her because my brother wanted me to and as it is I think I risk losing my relationship with him now for causing issue if I don’t make things right.

Never pander to this stuff OP. It never ends.

Namechangerage · 29/07/2025 12:43

At this point I wouldn’t want a relationship with my brother unless he changed his ideas. I’d continue seeing DSIL and nephews that way.

And if my being honest would mean he would stop speaking to me? So be it.

Namechangerage · 29/07/2025 12:45

And agree that you also need to focus on your relationship with your nephew’s mother and staying loyal to her. If you want to keep nephews a big part of your life that is.

Don’t be apologising for having photos of her on your wall! Can’t believe you feel bad about it - your brother should be the one to feel bad. I suspect he does deep down hence the strong reaction….

StMarie4me · 29/07/2025 12:46

stichguru · 29/07/2025 10:01

I don't think you have done anything wrong, but I imagine your brother's emotions are running high. Don't be angry with him unless you want to lose him as a brother.

His emotions are running high…?!

Imagine the SIL when she finds out the cosy tea party!

JillMW · 29/07/2025 12:47

O this occasion I would use the kind of apology work managers use when they have to say sorry and incident happened but still hold the belief they are correct, which I think you are.
” I am sorry you are upset. I am sorry your new woman was hurt. “ leave it there.

TrustyRusty68 · 29/07/2025 12:47

Absolutely NOT being unreasonable. However, your brother and his new partner are! I assume he cheated on your SIL with the new woman & they don’t want reminding of what they did. Your SIL has been a friend and part of your life for 20 years for goodness sake! Why would you erase her!! When I met my husband he was in the middle of getting divorced. The first few times I went to his parents house, his wedding pictures were still up in the living room. It wasn’t a surprise! I knew he’d been married!! They’re acting entitled & need to get over themselves!

Alwaytired44 · 29/07/2025 12:47

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 09:55

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

I think were you actually went wrong was allowing your brother to bring his new mistress round just a couple of weeks after dumping his family. If you were my sister in law I would cut you off after that!

FreyaW · 29/07/2025 12:47

5foot5 · 29/07/2025 10:33

I am absolutely staggered that your DH seems to think you should be bending over backwards to comply with your brother's unreasonable request and that you are actually questioning whether you have done anything wrong.

Frankly I would have given him both barrels and told him he was lucky you agreed to see the new woman at all so soon after the split. I know you probably don't want to lose contact with your brother but he sounds like he is behaving like a bit of an arse.

I think I would respond that you have decided you will not be removing any photographs in your house as you still have a relationship with SIL and his children. He and his new GF can like it or lump it.

Where did she mention her DH?

Frugalgal · 29/07/2025 12:49

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 09:55

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

They should be grateful you let them through your door. When I started reading this I thought it was going to be about your SiL being upset that you'd had them round.

Tell him to get a bloody grip. You are under no obligation to erase the mother if your nephews from history because he has. Selfish twat. Doesn't bode well for his relationship that the new woman is so sensitive and selfish. Next thing you won't be allowed to mention anything that happened before she came on the scene. Beware this sort of thing will creep into bigger demands over time.

Minxmumma · 29/07/2025 12:49

Your brother is behaving like a child. Probably a large dose of guilty conscience going on.

The new gf needs to realise that she doesn't get to dictate the actions of his family. In fact she should be making an effort to fit in and not rock the boat.

Please dont go begging forgiveness! You'll set a precedent for the future if this gf lasts. Every time she doesn't like something you'll be running round making amends.

I'm guessing she's very insecure.

Can you not just speak to your brother and say that you are not taking sides, your SIl and nephews are also your family and have been for 20years unlike the new crumpet. You won't be apologising about your own home decor choices and have already been more than hospitable with the BBQ.

She doesn't have to visit if she doesn't want to. But you cannot eradicate 20years.

I would also remind him that SIL is more than a little hurt at this time so everyone needs to learn to manage their feelings.

KmcK87 · 29/07/2025 12:51

Wouldn’t be able to even pretend I was happy to see my brother and his affair piece after behaving like they have.
And the absolute audacity of her to make an issue of family photos being up?
Harsh words are needed for both of them to bring them back down to reality.
Your poor SIL how absolutely awful for her.

Tia247 · 29/07/2025 12:53

So you're now supposed to pretend your SIL of 20 years and the mother of his kids doesn't exist because his new bit doesn't like it?

Your brother is being a dick OP, you've been very accommodating and entertained his new woman but now you need to put SIL and her kids first. This new woman doesn't get to come into your house and make demands.

If your brother chooses the new woman over you due to this ridiculousness then he's making it pretty clear what little value you hold for him. Your only value is to validate him, no matter how poor his decisions are.

Mumofferal3 · 29/07/2025 12:54

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 10:30

I met her because my brother wanted me to and as it is I think I risk losing my relationship with him now for causing issue if I don’t make things right.

Isn't there a way that you can discuss this like adults? A lot of good points have been raised in pp such as how will your nephews feel if you erase their mum from the photos? Especially as it sounds like your db has done the dirty not his ex wife.

Good relationship with SIL or not, the kids feelings would be my priority. Them kids are going through the mill and don't need to feel like their mum doesn't matter/is a problem.

I also feel that if the relationship is so inportant to your db and his new gf, that it would be unreasonable of them to expect everyone conform to what they want. That isn't how healthy relationships are formed.

Poor nephews, I feel for them if this is the way their dad is prioritising a new gf over everyone.

Lionness5 · 29/07/2025 12:57

Your brother is a twat.

My son has told me he wants his nanny to put more photos of our wedding up in her house where her son, my ex h is living, and when I told ex mil she laughed. Nicely. If ex has an issue and his sudden new gf of five minutes cares, tough shit.

Your brother is a selfish pig and I'd be keeping in touch with your SIL and showing her that her husbands family aren't all as cruel and emotionally lacking as he is.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/07/2025 12:57

FreyaW · 29/07/2025 12:47

Where did she mention her DH?

Show quote history

In the OP she says:

'Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace'

Pherian · 29/07/2025 12:58

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 09:55

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

You haven’t don’t anything wrong. I don’t know the circumstances, but if your brother was having an affair or quickly left his relationship to pursue this woman and now he’s playing happy families where everyone is suppose to pretend that your SIL didn’t exist and then take this woman up to replace her - I’d say that’s his delusion and you don’t need to engage in it.

If there was no affair he is quite possibly is using her as a rebound. Who leaves a marriage and then within a couple weeks quickly takes up with someone else and introduces them to their entire family … no one on a healthy mental state. So this new relationship and person he’s excited for everyone to meet isn’t new at all.

I would speak to your sister in law and ask how she’s doing.

I wouldn’t take the pictures down. I wouldn’t apologise.

Id tell him to get some therapy.

becausewecancan · 29/07/2025 12:59

I realise he's your brother and you love him, but he's being ridiculous and selfish beyond my ability to tolerate. How can he expect you to take down photos in your own home? Whatever happened between he and his ex-wife, she's still the mother of his children. I think it's safe to assume she wasn't abusive, since he was happy to leave his kids in her care. So no, there's literally no reasonable explanation for his desire to erase her from not only his own life but his sister's life as well.

I'm sorry, but your brother is being a jerk. I wouldn't apologise for this. You've done nothing wrong. He's just lost all sense of reality.

SpryCat · 29/07/2025 13:00

I would tell him you are not going to pick sides, that just because he decided to end it with his wife, it doesn’t erase the fact your SIL is the mother of your DN’s and she will always be family to you, the same as he is.
He will be trying to get everyone walking on eggshells, including his children when mixing with his new GF incase she gets hurty feelings, without a thought how devastated his wife and DC are! He will push everyone away if they don’t bow down to his demands but that’s his decision, he will soon come running back once he realises he isn’t in the garden of Eden.